Sex Advice From Valedictorians

By CHRIS MATHIAS

Ashley Jean, 23

What's the best way to pick up a valedictorian?
Being honest and openly passionate about what you like is the hottest thing. I remember studying for a calculus exam with a math major and just watching him work through those derivatives made me so effing turned on.

When speaking in front of large groups of people, what's the best way to pick up an audience member?
I've never done this, but someone did this to me. Just stare at them. The fact that they're there to hear you in the first place is a good indication that they enjoy you in some sense, so stare at them throughout and see what type of reaction you get back.

How far would you go, sexually, for a good grade?
Probably just a deep conversation with the professor. This is not necessarily sexual, actually rarely so, but, I do know that professors and students can have platonic crushes on each other through intelligent, stimulating interaction, and just knowing a person on a deeper level will help out a grade. Still probably going to have to put in some work, though.

My boyfriend used to have a drinking problem and now doesn't drink a drop. I miss having wild, drunken sex with him and don't know how to replicate that without alcohol. What do you suggest?
My friend told me that he and his girlfriend would each put on a certain cologne/perfume before they started having sex. Then, on certain days, they would put it on without telling the other person, which would immediately make the other horny all day, just ready to tear up the sheets when both got home. A trick like that might make a difference.

What's the best reason to date a valedictorian?
They are likely a hard worker, so sex is a good way for them to relax. But valedictorians are usually pretty good partiers, and people who, if you can convince them to come out, will do the night right. If you get with one that's a narci (narcissistic), though, run for the fucking hills.

I like to be rough during sex — just like slaps across the face or scratches down my back. How do I tell my partner about this without sounding crazy?
Tell them why you like it — sometimes you have logical reasons for wanting these things. I feel with this added explanation, your partner will be overjoyed to scratch your back like a wild cat. If they are worth anything, your partner will want to give you pleasure, and if this is what gets you off, tell them so.

I know it's not classy, but I have to know: what's the best way to break up with someone via text message?
What, are you too far away from them to do it face to face, and the call mechanism on your cell phone has somehow broken? Maybe you should find an internet café and break up with them over Skype, asshole. That way everyone can hear what a douchebag you are.