Eat, Marry, Kill 

Randall Skeffington, Ugly Americans' zombie, on Lindsay Lohan, J.K. Rowling, and Evan Rachel Wood.

By Randall Skeffington
 

Lindsay Lohan: “Eat, all the way. First of all, she’s riddled with enough chemicals to give me a great buzz, and second of all, I’ve found that redheads have a complex, surprisingly restrained taste, with subtle tones of hickory and Jager. It stays with you for a while.

Plus, I have a hunch she’s been one of the living dead for a while — there’s no way I Know Who Killed Me was the work of somebody with a pulse. And it’d be a great way to finally get on TMZ. You know, I keep sending them pictures of me 'accidentally' flashing my crotch getting out of cabs, but apparently I don’t fit in with their elitist, West Coast-centric coverage. You just can’t reason with some people."

J.K. Rowling: “I’d say marry. Paying the rent is such a pain in the ass, and barring a pre-nup situation I’d be set for life. There are zombies in her books, right?

I’d be a little concerned about the living situation; she’d definitely have to give me my space. Randall does not operate well within constraints. Unless we’re talking a bondage situation, which I’m really into. You think she’d go for that?”

Evan Rachel Wood: “Kill, definitely. She’s the one that got with Marilyn Manson, right? No way I’m getting that dude’s sloppy seconds. A guy’s gotta have standards.

Anyway, she seems like more of a vampire girl. I think that could cause some issues — if she’s into the whole ‘pretty boy gazing off into the distance’ thing, that could clash with my in-your-face realness, and I don’t tone down my sexual prowess or raw charismatic force for anyone.”