Possess, Marry, Kill

Callie Maggotbone, Ugly Americans' demon, on Ryan Reynolds, Zach Galifianakis, and Blake Lively.

By Callie Maggotbone
 

Ryan Reynolds: "Kill. He’s just too pretty. Also, he’s Canadian, which puts him too close to home for me — did you know that Toronto was actually the original Ninth Circle of Hell? Anyway, he’s been in some really awful movies — I need someone who’s keeping a closer eye on his career. It’s just hard having standards, which is why I like Mark, because he fulfills my lowest requirements without being threatening. At all."

Zach Galifianakis: "Oh, marry, I suppose. Look at those little chubby cheeks. He looks like a baby hyena, right before it starts to gurgle blood. Humor is very important to me — I like a guy who can make me laugh, which can be difficult. Primarily because suffering is very funny to me, and a lot of people say physical comedy is dead."

Blake Lively: "Possess. She’s the ‘It’ girl right now, and I want that. What I would do with her body is a whole other question. Put up some tasteful 'leaked' nude pics, maybe. Film a sex tape with a demon. Who knows? I might just crash some awards shows — New York is such a clique-y town, and I’ve been blacklisted just because I’m in civil service. I also might have disemboweled a bouncer at the Jane once."