The Five Winter Olympians You Could Probably Outrun

So what if you're a curling champion?

by the Hooksexup Editors

Here at Hooksexup, we’ve caught a case of the Olympic blues. It happens every time: after hours of watching lean, mean twenty-somethings skating faster than cars and doing multiple back-flips on skis, we start to feel a bit bummed. After all, it’s a demonstrable fact that we will never, ever be able to do even a single back-flip on skis. Ever. What we can do, in an effort to make ourselves feel better, is put together lists like this one. Please allow us to present the five winter Olympians we’re pretty sure we could outrun:

1. Steve Holcomb, U.S. Bobsled Driver

Steve Holcomb is an awesome bobsled driver. Last year, he led the U.S. to its first four-man World Championship win in almost fifty years. He’s a veritable sled god. But, he’s also a pretty big dude. And that might be more of an advantage when he’s sliding down some ice than it is when he’s chasing you around the high-school track.

2. Kristie Moore, Canadian Curler

Kristie Moore is a world-class curler, an expecting mother, and as only the third pregnant woman in Olympic history, a testament to women everywhere. But that’s not the point of this article. The point of this article is that we could probably beat the pants off her in a 100-meter dash.

3. Prince Hubertus von Hohenlohe, Mexican Alpine Skier

Hubertus von Hohenlohe is a prince, a multi-lingual international businessman, and the only Mexican competing in the winter games. He’s a writer, an artist (who studied with Andy Warhol), and was a successful pop star, performing under the names Andy Himalaya and Royal Disaster. Basically, he’s one of the most awesome men we’ve ever heard of. But he’s also fifty-one, which gives us fleeting hope.

4. Patrick Chan, Canadian Figure Skater

Sure, this guy is in great physical condition (he’s nineteen and ranked fifth in the world), but he’s also apparently a huge fan of McDonald’s. Now, we may not be athletes or nutritionists, but we’re pretty confident we could beat this guy in a race when he’s weighed down by twenty McNuggets and a few Big Macs.

5. Quatchi, Olympic Mascot

Quatchi might be a a kid-friendly, ear-muff-wearing doofus, but he’s still a sasquatch, and thus a terrifying creature of the forest. Even if the Olympic website describes him as “a little clumsy,” we’d still run faster than Ryan Sorba at a Gay Pride Parade if this furball was on our tails.