— "Every woman looks at her man's phone log when the opportunity arises." Every. Single. One. What to do? Save your mistress's number under a man's name, but be sure to password-protect your phone.

— "If she sees a message from 'Steve,' that reads, 'I want you deep inside of me.' you could have some 'splainin' to do." Agreed, except that that text reads less like a message from a real woman and more like a make-believe missive from the blond-haired porn-bot of the Maxim staff's dreams.

— "If she calls and it's a bad time, text her back ASAP and tell her you'll call her when you can hear better — even if you're mid-coitus." I guess that's good advice... except that it's followed by a steamy anecdote about a woman struggling not to moan during a mid-sex phone call.

The article's presumed authority stems from the claim that it's written by a real, live woman — a claim I treat with some skepticism. Not just because so much of it sounds like Letters To Penthouse, but because this is a mag whose editors put "Type 5318008 in your calculator and turn it upside down!" on the cover. (It spells "boobies.")

For the ladies:
Ladies, on the other hand, don't get to have their cakes, eat their cakes, or eat cake at all. (Stick to "chickpeas, lentils and whole-grain bread," girl.) Instead, if your boyfriend is being nice (read: sleeping with your sister) don't despair. But don't bring it up, criticize him or dump him either. Win the bastard back, with these great, anxiety-riddled advice points:

In "Four Words to Cheat-proof Your Love," we learn that the reason he's cheating is that you're not complimenting him enough. The titular four words ("You are so hot") not only reduce infidelity, they are scientifically proven to "increase blood flow to his penis." Score! But wait, there's more: by whispering "You are so hot" at the start of a long meal, you'll make him "love you more" and you'll seem like the red-dress-wearing temptress in a '90s rom-com. "So step off, Hunters [sic] of the world."

To sum up:
If you're a woman dating in March, your boyfriend is going to either cheat on you, or prove his fidelity by being a dickhead. Whenever he picks up the phone, he is not just going to be with another woman, he's going to be in the process of having sex with her. In response, you have be extra-fawning and complimentary to win him back. But the really bad news is it just might work, and then you'll have to make it through another month with the cheating frat-boy you call your man. Good thing April's just around the corner, and your favorite mags will soon be back, chock-full of totally ludicrous advice.  n°