13 Hypothetical Questions From the Florida Department of Health Sex Survey

And you thought the ones they ended up asking were invasive.

by Daniel Addice

Florida's Department of Health is facing harsh scrutiny for sending out a sex questionnaire to over 4,000 women between the ages of eighteen and twenty-four, in an attempt to gather information for family planning services. The questions ranged from the innocuous ("How old we you when when you first had sex?") to to the very... ocuous ("Has a sexual partner ever told you he would have a baby with someone else if you didn't get pregnant?" "How much do you weigh?" and a question about whether your male partners had ever poked holes in a condom to get you pregnant). While the entire questionnaire has yet to be made public, we're pretty sure these questions are on it.

2. Have you ever been unable to tell the difference between skin and latex?

7. Has laziness ever been a major reason for engaging in unprotected sex? Do you consider a walk to the bathroom "too far?"

15. How many times per week do you practice Kegel exercises? Per day? Please rate the degree of control you have over your pelvic muscles, from "inadequate" to "very adequate."

23. Have you ever had sex solely because you knew your partner would just watch porn otherwise, and you didn't want to lose to a computer?

34. Do you feel that you would be less likely to forget to take birth control if it came in a variety of flavors, such as apple and hamburger?

47. Have you ever used semen in any way other than for its intended purpose(s)? If so, please explain your alternate use(s) for semen in the space provided below.

56. Has one of your partners ever hidden semen in random areas of his house, in the hope that you might accidentally rub up against some of the hidden semen and get pregnant?

82. What kind of car did your most-well-endowed partner drive? Your least-well-endowed partner?

98. Would you agree that you have an uncontrollable libido? Has your libido ever led you to into a situation despite your better judgment, as in the films of '80s screwball-comedy auteur "Savage" Steve Holland?

143. What is your preferred brand of soap for scrubbing your dirty, filthy skin during a shame shower?

191. Is it possible that your neighbors are a coven of witches planning to secretly impregnate you?

280. Have you ever regretted a sexual encounter? Has sex become meaningless to you? Do you no longer crave intimacy? Does all human contact instill in you a sense of alienation and loss so all-consumingly pervasive that you can only identify it in hushed tones as "the void?" If so, please explain in the space provided below.

358. Would you say this survey increases or decreases your desire to have sex ever again?