Sorry Everyone, Pool Sex is a Really Terrible Idea

Please do not recreate the scene from Showgirls.

Everyone is abuzz with this sudden reprieve of warm weather. Shorty shorts are out, car windows are down and bumping Pharrell, and last night my neighbors practically smoked me out with their backyard barbeque. With this seasonal shift comes the urge to get in every nearby pool, ocean, lake, pond, and Slip 'N' Slide you can find and swim around a bunch of half-naked people. It's practically foreplay and most of you will be filled with the overwhelming urge to partake in some underwater boning. Let's get this straight: swimming is lovely, sex is even lovier, but the two should never mix. 

Remember that horrifying scene in Showgirls? If this were real life, Elizabeth Berkley is about to have herself not only a severe case of whiplash but a very special Kyle MachLachlan-gifted urinary tract infection. You see, sex in water — though bodies are buoyant, limbs are exposed, and positions can get creative — is a perfect recipe for lady infections. As Popsugar explains, as a woman is penetrated in the water, the bacteria from the pond/ocean/large puddle are being pushed up into her vagina. When it comes to pools, the level of chlorine and other chemicals is not that safe to stick around in a crotch. It can cause irritation and possibly throw off the delicate pH balance of a ladybox. 

Apart from quite possibly pushing a germfest into your cooch, sex in water is never as fun as it sounds. All of the natural lubrication that makes vaginas so fun to play with is washed off (even at the far end of your tub). Condoms are a moot point as  latex mixed with water can cause friction that will break your rubber. Not to mention: How long can you hold your breath for a blowjob?

I am sorry, summer people. I am sorry to destroy your sexy water time, designs for Nantucket beachplay, and snorkeling sodomy. Get a beach blanket, get a canoe, get a room.

Image via United Artists.

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