Talking to Strangers: New York, NY
Hooksexup asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.
By Lina Canney and Libby Rumelt
Kiki, 26
Has bartending ever gotten you laid?
No. It definitely could have, but I don't do that.
So you're in a relationship?
Yup. We've been together for four-and-a-half months.
How'd you meet?
I yelled at him at a bar. A girlfriend of mine was bartending and this dude walks in and sits down next to me. He asks for a beer and a shot and she says that'll be whatever amount and he looks at her and he's like, "You're charging me for the shot?" I looked at him and I was like, "What did you just say?" And he was like, "I come here a lot and they never charge me." And I was like, "Who the fuck do you think you are?" He was drunk so he kept stumbling over his words, but in reality, he's the nicest guy ever. He was just being drunk and stupid. So I just berated him for an hour.
Is being aggressive a good tactic for meeting men?
I've never done that before. I was wasted and he was just such a sweet-looking kid, so I just started teasing him.
How did teasing him transition into exchanging phone numbers?
Well, at one point, he was like, "Why are you being so mean to me?" And apparently — I don't remember this — I was just like, "Don't you know I'm flirting with you?"
So you've been together for four months?
Yup. We're engaged. Yeah. He moved in with me three days after we met and then we got engaged about a week after that. We haven't spent a single day apart.
Wow! What was your dating history like before you fell head over heels for this guy?
Every guy I dated was a straight-up asshole. Skater dudes, in a band, alcoholics, drug addicts. Every guy who didn't want to let anyone in, I dated. It was always casual sex and nothing more. I tolerated such bullshit, I guess because I didn't think I was worth more. But thankfully, I found one who's amazing. He's a Southern gentleman and treats me so well. He's beautiful. I love him.
You got engaged really quickly. Have you received any negative feedback about it?
Well, I moved out of my parents' place when I was very young. They aren't really a part of my life. My friends who I consider my family are very much on board. Everyone loves him; he's the sweetest guy in the world.
Have you started planning the wedding?
Well, I don't know if this is going to happen, but I roped my friend and old bandmate into getting ordained so she can marry us. But as far as anything else, I'm not really concerned with a traditional wedding.
If you aren't into tradition, why get married at all?
It's actually funny, because we both didn't want to get married or have kids before we met each other. And then I met him and everything changed! I don't want to have some crazy gala, but it just seems right to fully dedicate myself to him in front of my friends.
What do you see for your future with him? Do you want babies with him?
Well, we're getting a car and road-tripping to Vegas to see my friend, and then we're going to try to get jobs out there and make a shit-ton of money. Then we're back to Hawaii, where I lived for a long time. We're going to put our roots down there. And then, I guess, have babies! It's so crazy because I never, ever thought this would happen for me, but I want him to be the father of my children.
Sam, 27
What do you do?
I work as a waiter and I write. I do a lot of blogging, but I'm trying to do more literary stuff in the future.
Have either of those things ever gotten you laid before?
I guess, in the sense that being a writer is who I am, so if someone is attracted to that, writing is getting me laid. That makes sense, right?
Sure. How have you not gotten laid as a waiter though? Come on!
I've never slept with a coworker! I've only been doing the waiter thing for about three months —
Oh, it'll happen.
I hope!
Tell us about your love life.
It's nonexistent. There's this girl I've been trying to get together with, but there's always something, I'm working or she's working. We were supposed to go to a concert a while back, and I sent her an email about tickets, and I was just showing it to my buddy here when you guys showed up —
You and your male friends obsess over the subtext of emails? I thought only girls did that.
Yeah, I've definitely stayed up nights freaking about saying the wrong thing or punctuating something with the wrong emoticon. The horror! Because an email is permanent — you send it out there and you wait for a reply, but you can just keep obsessing over it forever because it isn't going anywhere.
And we all know we're on the internet all the time, so it's like, what the fuck? I know you've checked your email in the last ten hours.
Exactly. It's all a game.
Do you play a time game?
Um, I like to think I don't. But I can't respond right away, so I guess I find myself unintentionally playing the time game.
What would happen if you responded immediately?
You don't want to come off too into someone else, but you also aren't really attracted to the person who's very obviously into you. You always want it to be a balance. You never want to feel like the other person is grasping onto you like you're the last person on earth.
I have a friend who just started dating a girl last week, and they've already been on three or four dates.
Well, it's cool if they're both into it. If I met the right girl, I'm sure I'd love to hang out with her all the time.
Have you ever been in love?
I've thought I was in love early on in a relationship. But after those first six weeks went by, I realized it wasn't love. I was just infatuated. So sadly enough, I guess, I haven't been in love.
Tell us about your emotional baggage right this second.
[Laughs] For some reason, I guess I've always felt like the guilty one in the relationship. Not because I'm cheating or doing something wrong, but I guess because I was probably always less involved in my relationship than my partner. So I guess that made me feel bad, like I was taking advantage of the situation or something. Feeling like I was leading them on.
Have you ever said "I love you," and not meant it?
Oh, no. No way.
You're good. So what's your move? How do you get laid?
Well, recently, I just don't get laid. So, there's that. Sometimes I pretend to be deeply intellectual, like way more than I am.
Like you pretended you've read all of Proust?
I did, actually!
Really?
I did! I pretended to have read Proust to impress some lady. I'm not sure how much she believed me, but I tried anyway.
Dina, 23
What do you do?
I'm an actress and a waitress to pay the bills.
Has that ever gotten you laid before? Either one?
Waiting tables, yes. Being an actress, not yet.
Do you have any horror stories about going home with customers?
No, but I have horror stories about going home with coworkers. That was a poor life choice.
That is always the truth.
I had a rule about not giving out my out my number to people who ask for it, because I get asked for it all the time. I'll just say you leave me if your number if you want to get into contact with me. But I did give out my number once, and we went out, and at first it was good, but then he was just an ass and it was pointless, so whatever.
How was he an ass?
He made plans and then broke them and then got mad at me for being upset that he broke the plans. He would be like, "We didn't make real plans, Dina," and I'd be like, "No, we did."
I feel like the recent trend is guys saying, "Oh, let's hang out."
That just happened to me this weekend!
So when's the last time you went out on an actual I-am-going-out-with-you-with-a-plan date-date?
Oh, two or three weeks ago. We went to dinner and got ice cream and then we watched a movie at my apartment. We actually got through it. I was surprised.
I can't tell you the number of half-movies I've seen. I'm always like, "What happened at the end of that?"
Seeing the first twenty minutes is enough.
Did you have sex with him?
Yeah. We'd been seeing each other for a couple weeks. The sex was amazing.
How did you meet?
Like all female New Yorkers: online. This is a table full of women dating online.
What made the sex amazing?
It was just good. I didn't have to tell him anything. He just knew. I didn't have to give him any instructions.
What did you not have to give him instructions on?
Okay, candidly? The first time we hooked up, he went down on me for an hour.
Excellent! That's what you need to do!
And I was like, "Oh, yeah? Well, okay." I just let him keep going. He was happy as a clam down there. He was very content.
What are your deal-breakers when it goes to guys?
Lying. There's just no point. I'm brutally honest. The last guy I was with, it went on and off for a year. Neither of us was seeing anyone else, but we didn't have a label. And then all of a sudden, he was seeing someone else, and I was like, "You thought I wouldn't realize that?" He thought he could play it off like he wasn't, but I'm not a fucking idiot. He was spending every night with me and then all of a sudden he wasn't. He was sleeping with someone else.
What kind of guys do you date?
It's been fluctuating. Right now I'm really into guys with tattoos. The guy who blew me off was covered in them. Actually, the last three guys I dated had tattoos, but, come on! It's Brooklyn! It's part of the dress code.
Commentarium (49 Comments)
Sam is so handsome, he sounds lovely.
Patrick is the man.
I know him in real life and he's the best guy ever.
I'm really trying to figure out Kiki.....
Probably some past home issues leading to a need for stability. Pretty typical, really.
Gonzalo's story touched me. Good luck to him.
....and this may be shallow, but I wonder if Gustav is actually 26?
"I wonder if Gustav is actually 26?"
He might be. Northern Europeans often look really old for their age.
I don't always bang hefty bearded 45-year-old dudes, but if I did, I would prefer Patrick.
i wish i always did and i so would
Patrick, why isn't the world made of men like you?
I can relate to Sam. its kinda scary... but good to know im not the only guy who obsesses over texts. Wish i didn't tho.
Hooksexup picked a good group this week. Everyone seems pretty honest and likable. Oh, and I love the fact that Gustav is wearing a shirt referencing Al Johnson's in Sister Bay, WI.
What a hot mess this week.
Patrick, for the win! He could win all night long. Just sayin.
I don't buy his "number". However, if it's true, I guess big, beareded grizzly guys are more popular than I thought.
New Yorkers....not so good looking.
Hooksexup commenters.....not so clever with their insults
yeah, because we would rather listen to beautiful vapid posers? No, thank you
What a bunch of haters this week! I think everyone's good looking in unconventional ways and also, how about their good stories, man?! These New Yorkers bring it!
Well, yeah, I AM a hater. It's part of being an anonymous internet commenter. But c'mon, getting engaged to a guy you've known a week and declaring EVERYONE you've ever dated is an asshole (wonder what the common denominator is there...)? Hot. Mess.
Kik is completely delusional on multiple levels...
Oh and Patrick is on the money: ladies, more pubic hair please. That would improve the quality of my linkups tremendously.
For real? I hope that's coming back into style. I'm tired of people's need for bald crotches. Such a waste of time & money.
No. No, it is not a waste of time and money. It is awesome and I was recently very disappointed to encounter a ginormous 70s muff because it was too late to not stick my face in it.
well.. i went to college with "KiKi" and she was as nuts then as she comes across now, except she was way cuter back then, yack.
1. I am so Kiki! Love her.
2. Patrick's the bomb.
PS: it's funny how everyone you went to art school with ends up a waitress or a bartender.
Absolutely for real. Pubic hair is uber-sexy.
Love this:
"Are you happy now? "
"I'm thankful. I'm not exactly perfectly happy, but I have no real reasons anymore to be sad. "
That's all any of us can truly ask for, IMO. Keep staying thankful, Gonzalo.
Good line.
Kiki: 5 years from now = divorced
Maybe even sooner!
Dream scenario for this Talking to Strangers would be a threesome with Patrick and Gustav, and then marrying Sam. Sam, you and your perfect teeth are so cute!!
Kiki kind of reminds me of Bjork.
Damn, I love New York.
Even people who aren't going anywhere seem interesting there.
sounds like a bitter IT dude in westchester with two kids and a million unfulfilled dreams. BURN
No way is Gustav 26 years old. He looks like he's in his 30s.
So you get aroused enough to have oral sex, but you don't go all the way. How do you control yourself?
It's like anything else — just focus and discipline.
Truth Gustav. I like that.
The answer to Gustav's t-shirt question: Tiger GA
Odd how half of these people recoil at the suggestion that their jobs might get them laid. "No way, it's all about my personality!"
"Women tell you what they want. You just need to be ready to listen. "
Glad you know that, Patrick. I tell men this all the time. Maybe they just don't realize until 45... sigh.
This was a great group, super interesting people. I wish I knew a Sam in real life - it's cute when guys care about texts and emails, and everything he said about the balance and the time game was so spot-on! And nice how Gustav's freestyle rhymes ended in the word "face" three lines in a row haha.
Wait a second, I didn't read any of this interview, but what the F is a hip-hop playwright? Someone please read this and tell me.
Ayo, Flex, a hip-hop playwright is a lot like thug poet. You know - someone who stays real, keeps any and all things real, holds it down, and is a huge asshole who make up a meaningless term like hip-hop playwright to legitimize a name like Gustav and impress drunk college girls from out of town.
NYC, city of liars and idiots. I loved the "if you're not into tradition why get married?"...really sums up the internally inconsistent beliefs and actions of New Yorkers.
Kiki makes me want to give her a hug. I tended bar briefly in my early 20s to pay the student loans, before moving on to a real job. And whenever I go back to visit that city, some of the kids I worked with back in the day are still behind the bar, older and more bitter and still getting bad tattoos and dating "assholes" and getting engaged in a week and divorced a year later in a drunken haze.
I just want to give them a hug. And then give my parents a hug and also a sincere and profound THANK YOU for not screwing me up too bad.
Just found a interesting website where we can Talk to Strangers and aliens without anxieties
Now you say something