That was a week ago, a lifetime ago. I had since imagined a number of scenarios for our date, and they were all variations on the same theme: I win her over with my charming personality and/or sense of humour and/or unexpected sensitivity and/or impressive knowledge of wine. These fantasies all ended with a stellar performance in bed, but now, facing the gloomy reality of all the ginormous penises she was used to, my enthusiasm began to wane.
I tried steering the conversation towards areas in which any shortcomings could not be readily proved with hard empirical evidence, but she was relentless. She told me about her second boyfriend, Jan, who had a body to die for and was from Sweden or Denmark; her third, Peter, who was just a rebound and a bad idea; Clayton, with whom she stayed with far too long; Brett, who was so cute but so stupid. Then there was Malone, her most recent boyfriend. They'd broken up only a month before, and she wanted to forget him as soon as possible, which was why she was "putting herself out there."
Even my usually useless radar could detect a strong possibility of sex in the near future. It seemed I had lucked up on that rarest of God's creatures: an attractive, over-sexed date for whom dinner and drinks are merely a precursor to the real stuff. Most men live their entire lives wondering if such a woman exists outside the pages of Penthouse, and here I was with a real live specimen.
I should have been ecstatic, but I wasn't. I know my limits. I was swimming in deep, deep waters. As she rattled on about her sexual history (they were all 'ginormous' and incredible in bed) my natural disposition took hold, and I began to worry.
I worried that my own equipment, which had never let me down and in fact had put in exceptional performances every now and then, would not be up to her usual standards. I worried that my one signature move was too conventional even to qualify as a move.
I worried that I'd disappoint, and she'd tell her friends, who would tell my friends, who would, because they are true friends, ridicule me forever and ever. At this point, I did what all civilized people do when they are faced with such a situation: I smiled my broadest smile, ordered another round and told our waitress to keep them coming.
There are a lot of awful stereotypes associated with black people, many that we would happily fight you over if you dared utter. The one involving larger-than-average penises is not one of them. I have yet to meet the man who will put up his fists and demand satisfaction if you inflate his vital statistics. We are happy to live with that slight; although personally, I do not encourage it, not because I am particularly unfairly endowed, but because I'd rather expectations be exceeded rather than merely satisfied when it comes time to unleash the proverbial dragon.
As it was, I decided that if the opportunity presented itself, I would in fact sleep with her because a) I consider it a matter of principle to never turn down sex and b) the alcohol was working its sweet magic and I was becoming defiant. Why couldn't I play with the big boys?
Why not, I say? Why the hell not?
Commentarium (23 Comments)
great final line
That was a classy gal.
Who knew Lisa Lampanelli barked like a dog?
Needs Kegels
My guy friends tell me that ex-boyfriend TMI is really common on first dates. Do not talk about exes on first dates! Never ever! It never leads to anything good.
Bravo, writer. I've never seen such a well-written article on penis-angst.
It just goes to show you that even with all your insecurities, size has nothing to do with it. Some folks are just "weird" at sex. Exhibit A: Yipping like a small dog.
fun romp of a read, though I believe the paraphrased quote is attributed to Twain, not Lincoln
Isn't this an old piece... are you re-printing stories now?
yeah, i've definetly read this piece before.
Hooksexup has been reprinting stories so long this might be on its umpteenth go-round. Still rings truer than most though.
i still liked it
i still liked it
i still liked it
April 6, 2009!!!!!
@pfunk- good one
Good on you. You had no reason to feel inadequate.
as
You are a fantastic writer. Great comedic timing, and wonderful job.
good
funny
well written
shows how american men (an women) are so hung up with sexual performances…
that's why the ending is good
I had a couple of similar situations. I was 40, and handed this skinny 21 year old dishwater blonde my number and said, "Here call me if you like." The next day she called, and that night she was walking up my steps in white short shorts. After dinner, she made the first move and in no time things seemed to be on the right track. So the weird part came when I realized that my condoms were still packed away somewhere since I had recently moved. I said, "There are other things we can do", and she replied "I don't want to get that intimate with you." (Not flattering.) I wasn't sure if that meant I wasn't allowed to go down on her or not. So I decided to go exploring for condoms. I found one. Back in bed, we are a touching each other again and she says, "What's wrong you're not hard." We had had a total of maybe 5 minutes of making out. I said, "Well, it will be fine I just need a little more time." I was semi-hard, just not hard-hard. She said, "I've never been with a guy who wasn't hard by the time we got our clothes off." (She had revealed her sexual history to me, and up until that time had only had sex with young guys in cars or on a couch. She had one relationship for a while with a guy who was about 30, but was it.) So she had never had to help a guy out getting hard. I think almost every woman I'd been with in my life enjoyed that process and it seems like I couldn't remember the last time extensive mutual head-giving wasn't normal formal play. Oh, well. But she was a trooper and started jacking my cock and talking dirty to me telling me how much she wanted me to fuck her, and how she wanted to see my big dick all hard and ready. Maybe she was just barking orders, but I took it as foreplay. It did the trick, soon I was up and at it. Once we got started, I decided pay back was in order, so I literally wore her out. We went at it for over an hour, and I could tell she was not used to that. I never saw her again though. We just didn't click.
Another girl I dated about 2 weeks also didn't give head. She was good with her hand, and was open-minded about doing whatever I wanted to turn me on (except give head). She liked to be on top, and ride me for about 10 minutes, and cum about 6 times during that time. She was very mechanical, and didn't have a lot of patience for long "lovemaking sessions". I would be on top of her 10 or 15 minutes into doing her, and she might say, "This is not working for me, let me get on top." Eventually we just stopped calling each other.
You sir, are bloody fantaastic
Cool
Now you say something