From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4:19 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party—it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1?
From: David Thorne
Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6:12 p.m.
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Hi Matthew,
I understand it is an exclusive party, and I appreciate your trusting my judgment on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture. Doesn’t everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but also lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan’s Island but is in color, of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one, in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones—I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma, but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body, did you know? It’s the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most.
Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is. I told him that I don’t think there is a theme; and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties-themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of “Wouldn’t It Be Good” to play, as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this because print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it, and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letterbox if I don’t see you before tonight.
Regards, David
From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11:06 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
What the fuck are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1?
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9:15 a.m.
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
Hello Matthew,
I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night, but who am I to judge? No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching, so when we are sleeping, our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you.
I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice. It makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party; that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit, which worked out well because it was freezing, and I was the only one warm. As it won’t be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well, and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them.
If you need help with your costume, let me know; I have made mine by wrapping a black T-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs the night of. It is a little hard to breathe in the costume, so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought—how awesome would it be if I arrived through the window like a real ninja? We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies, and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was more than five meters wide and almost made it.
Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week, and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be OK to borrow yours on that day? I hate catching buses because they are full of poor people who don’t own cars.
Regards, David
From: Matthew Smythe
Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3:02 p.m.
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P.
WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the fuck is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2:04 a.m.
To: Matthew Smythe
Subject: Party
Hello Matthew,
I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my e-mail from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon’s girlfriend’s work function was canceled, so she can make it after all, which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her, so they will take the minivan. Also, I have arranged a piñata.
Regards, David
Reprinted from THE INTERNET IS A PLAYGROUND: Irreverent Correspondences of an Evil Online Genius by David Thorne, with permission of Tarcher Books, a member of the Penguin Group USA. Copyright 2011 by David Thorne. Buy the Book
Commentarium (30 Comments)
Hilarious! I actually chuckled out loud!
I broke a freaking rib laughing! I love this guy!
Love it!probably shouldn't have been reading it on the bus....people kept shooting me dirty looks...=]
I'm just gonna go ahead and plug www.27bslash6.com which is the portal of hilarity that this emitted from.
It's actually from his new book -- but you guys should go to there (www.27bslash6.com) and buy it. Perhaps the funniest thing I've read in recent memory.
thank you, i knew i had already read this somewhere else but couldn't put my finger on it.
awesome of awesome by awesome
I have a sense of humor but this just seems kind of douchy actually. jeez, just appreciate that your neighbor let you know he was planning on having a party, i think that's very courteous. Who cares about superficial shit like cane furniture and balloons on the note?
True. But I think it proves Woody Allen's favourite mantra: '' Tragedy + Time= Comedy''!
I agree, kind of douchey.
but it is funny.
Douchey? Maybe... Hilarious? Definitely
people who end everything with 'cheers' are douchey...this is hilarious
Actually, you don't have a sense of humor.
@baa - no guff! The guy has no sense of humour at all! This is creative passive-aggressive dry humour at it's best. Amazed me that the guy in the other apartment didn't realize he was being baited...
why did i find this under love and sex?
Cuz its by Dan Savage and he is a L&S columnist
The thing is, Thorne makes most of his stuff up. He actually writes both side of the email exchanges. On top of that, his persona is to be a total "I'm smarter than everyone" asshole.
Oh, Hi Scott.
Firstly, @Belinda : you just made my day. Shine on, you fantastic being, you.
For the uninitiated : https://www.27bslash6.com/scott.html
27b/6 is why I love the internet. I mean, except for the porn. That's pretty nice, too.
Ha. Thanks MP. Scott also stars in the https://www.27bslash6.com/time.html article which is hilarious.
Hilarious! loved it
Totally hilarious, thanks!
Oh my Gods I laughed out loud during the whole thing and had tears in my eyes by the end...I was in a crowded coffee shop and didn't care- actually shared it- everyone LOL'd!
https://www.27bslash6.com/missy.html
You must...
Is this the David Thorne that takes peoples money and then ingores their e-mails?
https://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/e47fx/david_thorne_of_27bslash6_too...
He takes people's money and sends no book in return. He then ignores people's emails, and if they complain on a public place such as reddit, he posts their private information in retaliation! A charming individual all round.
He also hacked the playstation network, kicks puppies, pops kids balloons, and farts in crowded elevators. Oh yeah and he writes funny shat. Cheers mate. Love, Matthew
Get a life, have your own party, don't get so bent out of shape because he didn't give your hungry greedy butt an invite- go to a movie, take a bath or something! Learn to enjoy your own company.
Wow, David Thorne is fucking prick.
Now you say something