Your Best Friends Are Your Worst Sexual Enemies 

BFF= UCB: Best Friend Forever= Ultimate Cockblock

By Dr. Alex Schiller

My name is Dr. Alex Schiller and I Never Sleep Alone. 

Unless I want to. 

I want to help you transform yourself into a sexy and powerful person who is capable of seducing everyone you meet. If you want people to be attracted to you, you must separate yourself from the mediocre majority and present yourself as an Exceptional Individual who is adventurous, mysterious, and seductive. In order for you to do this, you must stop going out with your friends. 

Your friends are making you unfuckable. 

When same-sex friends go out in a group together, they magnify each other’s worst qualities and negate each other’s sociosexual power. Here are the top three ways in which you are all cockblocking each other:

1. Unconscious Mimicry

When same-sex friends go out in a group together, they unconsciously mimic each other’s unattractive body language and insecure speech patterns and behave like a bunch of unfuckable idiots. Watch any group of friends who are at a bar together and you will notice they are all slouching unattractively while constantly looking at their smart phones and anxiously fiddling with their hair or clothing. Listen to them and you will hear them all complaining, shouting in high-pitched tones, and misusing the word “like” an average of seven times per minute.

You have also probably noticed that when you are talking with your friends, you begin placing a high-pitched emphasis at the end of each phrase, as though you are asking a question? When you’re not actually asking a question? And this makes other people perceive you as insecure, annoying and unfuckable?

Yes. 

You and your cockblocking friends do this all the time.

Stop it.

2. Sociosexual Sabotage

Human beings are instinctually competitive for sociosexual attention, so your friends can’t help but be jealous when you are the only one getting attention from someone they also find sexually attractive. This instinctive jealousy will cause your friends to sabotage your potential hookups, EFT. Every Fucking Time. 

Your friends are not bad people. Often, they do not consciously realize they are ruining things for you, and sometimes, in an honest effort to try to help you hook up, their well-intentioned efforts will have the opposite effect, making you look desperate and sexually irrelevant. The most common way this happens is when your friend says something stupid to or near the person you are hoping to seduce. Something that your friend may think will make you look cool, but that actually makes you look like a desperate and mediocre loser.

Examples: 

“He’s the nicest guy I know.”

“She makes a lot of money.”

“He’s a really good dad.”

“I want her to find a good guy. She’s been so slutty lately.” 

“Bro, the bartender’s saying your credit card was declined.”

 “Oh, did the doctor ever call you about your results?”

3. Erotic Interference

How many times have you been successfully conversing with a sexually relevant person at a bar, and right when you were on the verge of making out with them, or leaving with them, your cockblocking friend came over and either made a dumbass joke, whispered, “Ew, are you kidding me?” or insisted that you all had to leave and go somewhere else?

When your friends are around, it is almost impossible for you to make erotic connections and accept interesting invitations from sexy strangers, because you always feel self-conscious that you’re being watched. You believe that you must conform to their expectations of you and continue playing the same sexually irrelevant role you have always played within that social group. 

You must start going out alone as often as possible. By being dependent on your friends, you are keeping yourself from living up to your true sociosexual potential. 

Instead of fearlessly reinventing yourself, putting on an amazing outfit and going out alone to a sexy new restaurant and sitting at the bar with an interesting book, you keep wearing the same boring clothes you usually wear and going to the same boring bars with your same boring friends. 

Instead of being the mysterious sexy stranger who leaves with the hot foreign filmmaker and ends up in an amazing hotel suite where you are given fine champagne and Mind Blowing Orgasms all night long, you go out with your cockblocking friends and, once again, you get to be the “dry and self-deprecating one” as you spend way too much money, get way too drunk, go home alone, drunk text someone you know you shouldn’t, and waste an hour or two on Facebook before finally passing out, feeling sociosexually inadequate and orgasmically deprived.

It doesn’t have to be this way. You can go out alone. And you can really enjoy it.  You can find a restaurant that has a lively bar scene where nobody knows you. You can show up dressed to the nines, turn off your damn phone for a while, and enjoy a long and leisurely meal alone as you read an interesting book, study a foreign language, or write a long letter (on paper) to a friend. You will find that the more focused you are on yourself and what you want to do, the more people will be drawn to you. Start going out alone, and I promise, you will Never Sleep Alone. 

Unless you want to.

Dr. Alex Schiller is a sexual psychologist and music therapist who brings hot singles together through her hilarious, interactive, incredibly insightful Joe’s Pub show, Never Sleep Alone, and her indispensable upcoming guide of the same name, coming soon from Gallery Books.

Image via Glenn Harper