Four Loko causes health crisis in Washington state

Four Loko is a caffeinated alcoholic beverage along the lines of Sparks, except that in 2008, the Miller Brewing Company took the caffeine out of Sparks in response to public concern about the hazards of getting really wired at the same time that you're getting really drunk. Said hazards have now apparently manifested themselves at Central Washington University, where nine students were hospitalized after drinking too much goddamned Four Loko. According to ABC News, a single canister of this liquid madness combines the caffeine of multiple cups of coffee with as much alcohol as an entire six-pack of beer, with results either hilarious or deadly. (No one's actually died, yet.)

In a statement, Four Loko manufacturer Phusion Products (nice) defended their electric brew, saying, "The unacceptable incident at Central Washington University, which appears to have involved hard liquor, such as vodka and rum, beer, our products, and possibly illicit substances, is precisely why we go to great lengths to ensure our products are not sold to underage consumers and are not abused." (That explains the luminous cans and sophisticated adult flavors like Blue Raspberry.) It sounds like underage drinkers of the world can retain confidence that the good people at Phusion Products will never pussy out on caffeine like their counterparts at Miller.