Register Now!
getting around

Two months ago, for no reason other than extreme vanity, I decided I wanted some professional portraits taken. I have virtually no flattering photos of myself and figured it was high time. Plus, they'd look good next to my work when it got published, and they'd look even better on my Facebook page next to the snapshots of my former high-school classmates who'd spent the last decade having it their way at BK and shitting out kids.

After perusing the work of so-called professionals at several photography studios, I realized that when it comes to photographers, studios offer the cream of the crap — and expensive crap at that. I didn't blame them, mind you. I guess years of styling cheesy family portraits where everyone dressed in white oxfords had dulled their creative edge.

In a flash of genius I decided to seek out photographers — artistic glamour photographers — who wanted to develop their portfolios. It would be win-win: the photographer gets a free model and I get free professional photos. After checking ModelMayhem.com with no luck, I figured I'd try the poor man's ModelMayhem.com, and it turned out the "Creative" section of Craigslist was loaded with photographers eager for this exact arrangement. After asking to see some of their work, I settled on a photographer we'll call Joe. He asked me to meet him the following day. The whole scenario was perfect! What could possibly go wrong?

I was immediately able to formulate at least two dozen answers to this question when I showed up at Joe's house and was led down to his dank basement-cum-studio.

Joe was a short, stocky guy in his forties who mentioned repeatedly — nay, incessantly — that he was an amateur Mixed Martial Arts fighter. I feigned enthusiasm but found this dubious at best since his NASCAR t-shirt with the sleeves cut off revealed only a roadmap of stretch marks circumventing pasty, flabby arms. Still, the sample pictures he'd sent me were good — really good — and besides, the shots were going to be of me, not of him and his Miami Vice haircut. Post introductions, Joe's wife slinked into the basement and informed me that she'd be staying to watch the shoot after she styled my hair and applied my makeup. Pockmarked and yellow-haired, she was a vision in pink elastic-waistband pants, and as talented at doing her own hair and makeup as any five-year-old with Barbie dolls. While I acknowledged (silently) that the setup was unglamorous, I reassured myself that what really mattered was the end result. When all was said and done, I was going to have photographs, stunningly beautiful photographs, portraits worthy of any fashion-magazine cover (or self-absorbed braggart's Facebook profile). That's when Joe uttered seven words I wasn't expecting:

"How do you feel about Glenn Danzig?"

Joe thrust a musty leather jacket into my crossed arms. "I found this at a garage sale. Isn't it perfect? Now take off your top. Glenn Danzig doesn't wear shirts."

I didn't know what was worse: that my "stunningly beautiful" photo was going to be me channeling a middle-aged, unattractive has-been rock star or that my skin was actually going to be rubbing against this guy's filthy leather jacket. This was not what I had come for, and I was about to protest, but then I began to size up the situation. I am five feet tall and weigh ninety-three pounds soaking wet. Joe and Wifey easily had three-hundred pounds on me, and there was that whole MMA thing, which I began to perceive as a threat. I could demand a different concept, but why risk pissing them off? I figured if I played nice, it would be over pretty soon.

        

 

22 Comments

This was hilarious and awesome. Best piece I've read in awhile here!

BC commented on 11/09

Oh, poor woman! Great read.

CM commented on 11/09

Even though that was a retarded photo shoot...you still look smokin' hot. In that, uh, Glenn Danzig way.

DHL commented on 11/09

Well the photo sucks, but "Jennifer Albany"'s bod is smokin' hot. Abs do a body good.

SG commented on 11/09

Very funny read. The photo is better than you made it out to be!

DS commented on 11/09

"Angry! Angrier! I just ran over your puppy! Get angry!" I am crying here. I would love to collaborate with you in a photo shooting.www.induztria.com

Ind commented on 11/09

Wow! I was seriously considering glamour photos but reading your story, I think I'll just settle with my friend taking pictures on my Canon!

ON commented on 11/09

"An unphotogenic woman"? Sorry, going to have to disagree - Jennifer Albany's got a hot bod. I'd offer to take your picture, but the only thing I'm good at taking photos of is my cat. Good luck in your quest!

HD commented on 11/09

What an awesome story! If you're in the Atlanta area I could refer you to a friend of mine who shoots for the Atlanta Nightlife crew. He's good and he's the nicest guy. Otherwise...good luck!

MJF commented on 11/09

HEY! Danzig is no has-been!

dre commented on 11/10

haha! Oh dear! If you still need some shots doing, get in touch. www.bearwitnesspictures.com

STJ commented on 11/10

I don't know--this author is judgmental and superficial from the first paragraph, which made it hard to enjoy the story, or trust her account. And someone who (she herself admits) was so dumb in the set-up of this should probably not be looking down her nose at other people. I'm also curious as to whether the abs are photoshopped on.

LT commented on 11/10

in response to LT... this is jennifer albany, and NO the abs are not photoshopped on....jealous?

ja commented on 11/10

you need to have at least a few conversations with them online before you meet with them! I've done this plenty of times and have gotten some really commendable results. And make sure you're more assertive. You should've snuck out of that joint before she started riding the couch. Good thing you came out safe and were inspired enough to write about it..:) this article made me hyuk hyuk

CF commented on 11/10

LT - You're wrong about the photoshopped abs. She actually works out a lot and really does have a hot body. The superficial and judgmental? I'm not going to comment on that one ;-)

gsl commented on 11/11

I found the three characters in the story equally tragic, comic and disturbing. That men lure women into their basements in order to please their insatiable crusty wives is not out of this world, but that a woman who pretends to know better would be willing to be nice and hope it is over quickly....? And then turn around and play oh no! and oopsy! So flip and cavalier. This is the space where women happen upon serious acts of violence, right? Isn't that the implied danger? Isn't rape just down the hall? Ah! Maybe I'm just being a poo-poo head. The girl had fun and the pics and the story, well they give her street cred, dont they? Shoot! She so krazy! You go gurl!

FJG commented on 11/11

Too funny, thanks for sharing!! At least all your shoots can only be uphill from here!

SM commented on 11/11

That's so insane. Glad you survived. Nice abs!!!

YH commented on 11/11

I am a crusty, old guy photographer. I have a show tomorrow, it is a collection of nudes. To successfully get women half my age to consent to get naked in front of my lens requires a bit of skill, and most of that falls under the heading of common courtesy. It is important to make sure your models know you are a legit photographer and not some skeez in search of a quick dry humping. You make sure your model brings "an assistant" someone who she feels safe with. If the photographer needs an assistant, s/he should offer to get one of the same sex as the model, again to let her know this is both legit and safe. Finally, the photographer should be able to provide references - either a web site that the model can consult to show the photographer is legit or some people the photographer and model know mutually to vouch for the photographer. This is long winded for two reasons, 1. reading this account made me, as a photographer, feel icky and scummy and 2. because I wanted to give others out there searching for a photographer a basic set of guidelines as to what they should demand from a photographer. Good luck on searching out your next photographer

MJG commented on 11/12

Here's the thing: you get what you pay for. More importantly, you get what you deserve. 1) More than likely that guy didn't have anything to do with the pictures he sent you and claimed as his. Had you at least had the sense to use a real (real Internet, anyway) photographer/model networking site, you'd have been able to look at the comments. If the site's been up more than a few months and nobody's claiming the guy's stealing photographs, he's *probably* legit. Otherwise, why would you believe somebody who won't even set up a free page on a site? 2) Next time you want something, pay for it. If you can't afford it - don't get it. Right now even getting ripped off at GlamourShots probably looks better than what your "free" photoshoot turned out to be, doesn't it? I would be a little more empathetic if you were the typical 18-year-old ditz who usually has these kind of stories to tell, but you're obviously intelligent and I don't get the sense that you're quite at that level of naivete. Next time don't be lazy, don't be cheap, and use that brain you've got.

StM commented on 11/12

Next time try searching in https://www.pdnonline.com/pdn/photoserve/index.jsp . Good luck & best wishes.

TF commented on 11/12

I'd suggest heading to flickr.com. It might take some searching and you'll likely have to sign up for the site to be able to contact people, BUT! Lots of talented-but-not-professional photogs use the site, and if you can find someone whose work you like who lives near you, you might be able to work out something on the super cheap with them. I use flickr voraciously and many of my pals do, and a lot of us have been downright flattered when we've gotten offers to take photos for fifty bucks. *shrug*

BEE commented on 11/19
 

Leave a Comment



RELATED ARTICLES
True Stories: Sex, Catholicism and Me by Raquel Maldonado
Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned... and I liked it.
True Stories: He Wants To Wait by Avatar Koo
He says he'll respect me in the morning. But why can't we do it tonight?
True Stories: Tokyo Stripshow Tryout by Phil Goldman
I went to Japan looking for work. This was not what I had in min
True Stories: In Defense of Ex-Sex by Anna Roth
It can actually be cathartic. Just ask my former husband.
True Stories: I, Cougar by Rachel Yoder
He was just a boy, but he was my man.
Testing the Waters by Jennifer Rhodes
What a little wetness can tell you about the men you're dating.

Green Zone by Scott Von Doviak
Did Matt Damon just make Bourne 4? /entertainment/
Sex Advice From Segway Owners by Eric Larnick
Q: What has riding a Segway taught you about sex or dating? A: You should probably be wearing a helmet. /advice/
Too Much Information by Rebecca Traister
Blogs have ruined my dating life.
Talking to Strangers by Sean McGurn and Meghan Pleticha
Hooksexup asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.
Awesome Advice, Way to Go! by Erin Bradley
Some people just shouldn't be allowed to give grooming advice. /advice/
Pop Torture: The Band of Brothers Forced March by James Brady Ryan
Prepping for The Pacific, our writer marathons ten straight hours of World War II brutality.
Savage Love by Dan Savage
Have I alienated my boyfriend so much there's no way to get him back? /advice/
The Ten Sexiest Cartoon Musicians by Josh Kurp
Who's hotter — Jem and the Holograms, or Josie and the Pussycats?