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That was... lovely.

that was so gracefully well-written, you rock Anna

Wait, but, you didn't actually have ex-sex! This essay should be titled "in defense of tiptoeing up to the edge of ex-sex, then freaking out and running away"

They didn't freak out... it just didn't work. Thanks Anna for this essay... sometimes we really should face what's behind a semi opened door and then just close it.

It is a sad comment on one's life and emotional maturity when drunken fumbling followed by losing your shit is described as "one of the best decisions of my life". It is even more depressing to find that kind of passivity in the face of conviction and temptation celebrated as a kind of catharsis, a way of giving meaning to the period after a relationship, and worse still to find that it merits publication for an obviously tawdry audience who can only sing its praises.

awesome, Anna, and so brave to write this.

@asu - man, some people feel really comfortable sermonizing. what do you know about why the writer felt the way she felt? where's your empathic imagination? who died and made you pontiff?

wow.. that was an amazing piece, the best I've read on Hooksexup, and I've been reading here for years. You actually managed to bring some new insight to the subject, and it was deftly executed. well done!

My favorite line: "In the spirit of honesty, how averse to being self-destructive are you?" Great piece! This has been one of my favorites on Hooksexup.

Amazing piece, Anna. Enjoyed it so much.

BM... i think you're wrong... they DID have ex-sex, she just didn't write about it. hence the line: "I slept with my ex-husband three months after our divorce was final, and it was one of the best decisions of my life."

Awesome, awesome, awesome.

What a great piece.

Wow, this was the best thing I've read on Hooksexup (outside the advice columns) in many many months. What a great piece -- so much better than the title indicated. Thanks for a great read, Anna.

p.s.: As for ASU's bizarre critique, it obviously says much more about their deep-seated issues than it does about the things they're ranting on.

SG, And what exactly does it say about my 'issues' that I find tales of silly drunken escapades imbued with more meaning than they are worth to be tawdry and not really all that worthy of praise? If a person achieves 'meaning' by getting too drunk to keep her convictions and then too drunk to wholeheartedly follow through with temptation, I'd say there is little there worthy of the title 'achievement' and even less that merits description as 'meaning'. But hey, what do I know, my opinion obviously doesn't matter because I disagree with the vapid majority and have 'issues'? So here is a challenge, if you want to change my mind say what was redeeming about this experience, what exactly made it worthy of celebration and what kind of meaning did the experience bring to the author's life. Answering just one of these questions with anything of substance would be a real challenge I think.

A great piece, well-written and insightful. I think we've all been in that kind of a situation of temptation of self-destructive behaviour (whether it's ex sex, cheating, a one-night stand, etc.) and it's true that sometimes you have to stand on the edge in order to realise you don't really have to jump.

wow, that was really sweet! Life isn't a dimestore novel. If we live life well we make new and more interesting mistakes.

ASU.....A human being had an experience and shared it with others. It happens all the time. Different readers got different things out of reading that experience. Some I bet did got nothing out of it and just moved along to other stuff. For anyone to take the time to ridicule that experience (twice) displays an utter lack of any sense of decency. It is also a tad hypocritical to be hanging around a 'tawdry' website catering to 'prurient interests' if you feel that way about it.

What dp said!

DP, You are really the worst kind of bigot. The upshot of your comments is that one is only allowed to praise the personal experiences of others and, what is worse, the only legitimate reason for reading an article like this is entertainment. Let us be clear, Hooksexup contains a lot of vapid writing and it obviously caters to an audience with an appetite for titillation. I don't object to that, I think it is fine, though tasteless. But I do object to writing that tries to redeem this appetite for titillation by imbuing it with a gravity it doesn't deserve. And when I see this kind of thing I point out that superficiality is not depth, drunkenness is not profundity and decision making is not passive surrender to the moment. I read for more than entertainment, from a website that bills itself as starting a discussion about love sex and culture: all I see is a lot of sex, lust confused with love and lowbrow culture. You may be satisfied with the status quo but when I read a pile of shit dressed up as something meaningful - I say so. To do any less is to deny the author honest criticism and to self-censor one's own ' personal experience' of the article in an effort to play nice with the other readers. Criticism is not 'mean', its legitimate and necessary - people who don't understand that are too thin skinned to be writing for public consumption.

hey ASU, you sound like you've really figured out everything there is to figure out about love and life. awesome! congratulations!

gh, I made no claim to have done so. If you are getting this from my posts your reading comprehension skills may need more refinement.

what i'm getting from your posts is that you're an arrogant dick who feels no compunction lecturing other people about the validity of their subjective experiences.

Validity? Who said anything about validity? In fact can you say what makes a subjective experience more or less 'valid'? I'd like to know the answer. In any case I think you confuse arrogance with an inquisitive and critical nature. I asked for, and failed to receive, a post correcting my impression of the article. Instead what I got is ridicule and people jumping to wild accusations about my 'issues' or my knowledge about life and love. Ridicule, I might add, that doesn't speak to the subject matter of my posts and which isn't defended when I challenge it. You impale yourself on your own criticism when you lambast me for being rude and then see fit to call me a dick and adopt a sarcastic tone. If you want to correct me, fine. But give me something more than some vague presumption that personal experience is beyond reproach and that it is up to the individual to imbue anything with whatever meaning they want. That kind of thing is tripe - the meaning of events is subject to critique and even if it were up to the individual to imbue meaning to each and every event, that is not to remove it from be criticized for being superficial, rude or even arrogant. The latter, at least seems to be a fact that it not lost on you anyway.

asu, i think you just signed off as me. the writer wrote tenderly and honestly about a mistake she almost made, and how it helped her to move into a new stage in her life. your reaction makes it sound like it was a frat-party prank. have you ever gotten drunk? have you ever made a mistake?

You are right I did.I'm sorry. Of course I have and so I am questioning whether she took away the right lesson from that experience. when my daughter tells me that a boy in school told her he wants to 'bang' and that meant he thought she was cool, I correct her as naive. When grandma says that he salesmen has a nice face and so that means he is honest, I correct her and tell her that way of thinking is gullible. And when a friend or stranger says that the fact that she cried after a round of drunken sex with an ex means she is really over-him and the emotional connection is really severed I question whether that isn't a merely superficial interpretation of her reaction and point out that if this episodes like this are the basis for deep meaning in her life it is a sad comment on one's existence. None of this is mean or snarky, just pointed, and all of it is meant to be constructive criticism it is not just a drive by personal attack. Further when I criticize readers for failing to say that this episode looks tawdry and superficial I enjoin them to improve their critical skills and be more concerned for the person than the 'validity of her subjective experience'. Do I still have 'issues'? Am I still an asshole?

People like ASU really don't make mistakes...it is usually someone else at fault. God help the people he interacts with in daily life.

no, that's a thoughtful response. but can you see how your consistent readiness to "correct" everyone around you could come off as arrogant? also, it's one thing if you know a person; it's another if it's a writer you've never met, who has more authority than you on the nuance of her own experience.

life doesn't always slot so cleanly into "right lessons" and "wrong lessons," "correct" and "incorrect." it's not that simple. i think it's presumptuous to imagine that it is--and moreover that you're qualified to be the arbiter.

DP, Well I try not to. And let us be clear, the author didn't admit to mistake she said it was a great decision. If you are calling her choice a mistake you are already on my side. Finally, you must also have ignored my last post where I admit to making mistakes and trying to learn from them. GH - I see how it could come off that way to a group of people at pains to preserve their personal view of meaning in the face of any and all criticism. I see how it could seem that way to people who confuse a personal attack with constructive criticism. But because I see those people as misguided and worse off for their oversensitivity and fragility I try not to cater to their neuroses. Finally, in your last post it is you who are oversimplifying; I didn't say all of life could be fit into such categories but I did treat the experience of losing one's shit while drunk and imbuing it with too much meaning as mistaken, and I still think that is appropriate. In fact I would go so far as to say it is paradigm case of confused and mistaken behavior - who could say anything different?

Why don't you go to cancun on spring break and get disinhibited? it is a good cure. Sounds like he was good horseplay, though.

ASU, I mostly agreed with you and was on your side until I realized you're just a little boy with a big head, trying to prove yourself. Obviously, this article made some sort of enormous impact upon you, being that it seems it's your goal in life to have the last word. Let it go, man. Don't expect me to start arguing/conversing with you because I simply Stumbled onto this site and I'm about to Stumble right back off.

EB- You change your opinion of an article because you don't like the personality of someone who thinks the same as you do? You sound like a bigger IDIOT than ASU!!!!!

Brilliance.

ASU, I agree with your form of argumentation, and for the most part, also with the content. However, I think gh made a good point against what you are saying in that not everything is black and white. It is understandable that you, the parent of a young girl, do not wish a website to spread the message that drinking and making spontaneous emotional decisions can lead to something positive and life-changing. However, I would urge you to look past the drunken state of the protagonist, and listen to something else that she is saying here. Namely, that not all actions that others label as negative have to be so in real life. I think it is a small lesson in open-mindedness and the ability to challenge what all modern websites, friends and advisors preach about how love and sex should be. It is a lesson in not taking 'wrong' to be wrong at all times and in all cases. And a gentle reminder that sometimes it takes very little to realize what a great step in life we have made.

Great writing, thank you for sharing

"DP, you are the worst kind of bigot" Actually, I think Hitler was the WORST kind of bigot.