Republicans I Have Loved

Then she went ahead and did that.
I lay beneath and quietly prayed to my mystical Jew God for forbidden trespass into this possible Republicana. Her breasts heaved poignantly. Her slickness pressed down hot upon me and slid lengthwise. I raised my thighs so as to allow that final animal plunge. But her soft musculature pulsed and she rocked forward. "No no no," she said. "Wait. Not that."

Such a flip-flopper!
How many times did we engage in this sticky contortion? I would estimate a hundred. Crack went my kneecaps. Thump went her ass. Boing went my confused and purplish cock. Her virtue was at issue, the wine was gone, and I was a poorly designed rowing machine.
And I was a liberal. (Remember?) I didn’t have the stomach for coercive sex. Plus, Lourdes was a smoker and her tongue, without the wine, tasted like an ashtray.

So we lunged apart and tucked our nasties back where they belonged, and I drove her home. We lingered in the car, our hands lurid with the sudden possibility of late-inning automotive diddling. Then I noticed the cop car parked in front of her house.
Had we been followed?
Lourdes laughed. "Don’t worry," she said. "That’s my dad’s cruiser. Or, wait, it’s my brother’s."

"You’re kidding," I said.
But Lourdes wasn’t a kidder. Her father and brother were men in blue. I, on the other hand, was a man in blueballs, a little Michael Dukakis love doll, riding around in a tank of my own bad hormones. I gave Lourdes one final look — her eyes webbed in mascara, her ardent mouth — then found another bank.

* * *

Much later, well into the nineties. I’d managed to steer clear of Republicanas for a decade, restricting myself to the occasional hard-up independent. Now I was an adjunct professor in Boston, meaning I encountered exactly zero GOPers in any given month. I never even suspected Emily. And honestly, would it have mattered?

No.
Emily was gorgeous by any standard, one of those blazing Midwestern beauties reared on supercharged corn and good manners. I had never been in the same room with such absurd pulchritude. And why was she interested in a dork like me? Near as I could reckon, she was trying to break free of her family, and a radical Jewish pornographer was just the ticket.

But her family came later. In the beginning, it was all symphonies and starry nights on her roof and dry-humping. Then I had to say I loved her, which was easy. You couldn’t look at her face and not register the drooling depths of love. Our sex was fumbling and reckless, with much worshipful staring at her mysteriously tanned parts. I remember gazing at her sleeping form, the broad, womanly curves of her lower body. All I could think was: I would happily live in this woman’s ass. There are worse conditions, friend.

But as the 2000 presidential race heated up, our talk inevitably turned to politics. And here she delivered a shocking revelation: she liked Bush.

"Well, of course," I said leeringly. "Who doesn’t?"

She was serious.

"But you write poetry! You’ve lived in Mexico!"

"He’s a compassionate conservative," she explained calmly.

I thought I could win her over. (We progressive schmoes always do.) Together, we attended lectures and seminars. I made her take an on-line policy quiz, which revealed that her stated positions were most closely aligned with Ralph Nader. She absorbed my implorations with patience and smiled her blazing smile. Then she took me to Mass.

Some months later I was on an airplane, headed for the Midwestern state that contained Emily’s mishpokhe. They were gathered to greet me in the kitchen, peering with great curiosity at this foreign species: the East Coast liberal. I recognized Emily’s little sister — I’d met her previously, in Boston, where she’d spent a disquieting hour insisting that the Clintons were murderers. There was a documentary on the subject, and I shouldn’t let the media fool me. Sis was now pregnant by her college boyfriend, to whom she was not yet wed. It was all quite Palinesque.

Politics was not discussed during our visit, if you don’t count the blubbery blandishments issuing from talk radio. But it was impossible to ignore the photo on the fridge: Emily’s parents flanking George W. Bush.
Still, I was ready to stand by Emily, or, at the very least, to lay with her. Extreme beauty does this. It dulls the conscience.

Then came the pool party, at which Emily’s little sis was encouraged to perform a flip off the diving board. She didn’t want to. Anyone could see that. She was pregnant and frightened of injury. But her male relatives weren’t taking no for an answer. They hooted at her as she stood awkwardly at end of the diving board. Emily’s face was a mask of sorrow. She wanted to protect her sister. Deep down, she was a bleeding heart. She was more decent than her family. But her blood had frozen. It’s the fatal flaw with Republicans, even the sexy ones. In the end, they go along with the mob, and convince themselves that certain feelings — weakness, doubt, mercy — don’t matter. And you can’t fuck your way to a softer heart.

We lasted only through the early primaries.

 n°

RELATED ARTICLES

The 20 Greatest Campaign Ads of All Time by Phil Nugent From Reagan vs. bear to nukes vs. little girl. Everyone Pays For Sex by Kate Carraway But how much? We asked nine people to keep track for a month. Am I A Gold-Digger? by Emily DePrang I asked some friends to render judgment. The 50 Buzziest Blog Posts of All Time by the Hooksexup Staff From the stewardess stripper to the Mark Foley emails: 50 blog posts that changed the whole damn world. That Girl? by Lynn Harris How the Republicans fell in love with a pregnant, unwed teenager. America’s Top 10 Political Sex Scandals by Steve Almond From Spitzer to…Warren G. Harding?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
	Steve Almond‘s new essay collection is (Not that You Asked). It is, like much of his work, filthy.