Talking to Strangers
Hooksexup asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.
Rex, 23
What do you do for a living?
I'm a public-radio producer on a show called [name of show redacted].
So does that job ever get you dates?
No, because when I tell someone that I work in public radio... that's the unsexiest job that you can have. Like, "Oh, do you want to go out and talk about the national debt?" No.
Fair enough. So where do you get your dates, then?
I meet a lot of dudes in bars. If I want to make it happen, I have a lot to drink, and I hope he has, too. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
Do you have any dealbreakers with guys?
Uh, yeah. Yes I do. I can't date a shitty artist. I can't date a really bad actor or a guy who's in a band that sucks. I just can't do it.
I totally support this dealbreaker.
That's a big one. That's the only one that comes to mind, at least. Maybe based on recent experience.
Ooh! Well, do you have any weaknesses with guys?
I tend to like really tall, very lanky dudes. And I'm a sucker for a really well-dressed guy.
Okay, okay. Cool. Do you have any favorite hookups?
How graphic can I get? Is this a family website that you work for?
No, it's not. One guy, I was interviewing him, and he showed me his penis.
He showed you his penis? Wow!
He tattooed his own dick, with his initials.
His own dick? That would, actually, that would be a dealbreaker, if we could go back to that question. If I pulled down his pants and there was a penis with a tattoo on it, especially if it was his own initials. Can't do that one, sorry. Anyway, one time, I brought home this guy, we were very drunk, had sex, fell asleep afterwards. And in the early morning, he woke up all of a sudden and he went to the bathroom. He came back in the room and he was like, "I'm sorry. This has never happened before, but I just pissed in your bed." I was wasted, so all I could do was strip the sheets from my bed and sleep on my bare mattress, which was also kind of wet. But the way he worded it — "I've never done this before." — I spoke to a friend of his, and the week before he'd gotten very drunk and pissed all over her couch while he was sleeping.
Oh, wow.
You definitely should not tell people I work on [name of show redacted]. I will lose my job. "Public radio producer" is fine.
Jesse, 29
What do you do for a living?
Right now I'm a grad student. I'm studying interactive design.
Does that get you dates?
No. No. I look online, and that's about it. And then I join a dating service. And then I get freaked out and I stop.
You and I sound very similar. Do you have any weaknesses when it comes to guys?
I used to like musicians, but I'm so done with that. I dated a guy who was in a band — I'm done. So now I'd just take a conservative, chill guy.
Do you have any favorite hookup stories?
I don't know if it's favorite, but, the good old Uncle Kracker guy.
Wait. What?
He had a single, and I forget the name of his single. Uncle Kracker. He had... he was a one-hit-wonder. I went to one of his concerts with my girlfriends, we ended up getting on his tour bus and we each, like...
Oh my God.
I was just trying to be cool. I was nineteen.
Matt, 23
Where are you from?
I'm from Oregon originally. I think people are actually more open to meeting people here than they are in Portland. There are a lot of single girls here, and if you have the balls to talk to a girl, then they'll probably talk to you. If you're friendly and not a dick, it's pretty open.
That's a good dating strategy. Don't be a dick.
Sometimes being a dick works. That worked when I went to school in L.A.
Where did you go?
I went to USC.
I went to UCLA.
Ugh.
You asshole.
This interview is fucking over.
So you've met the ladies in Portland, L.A., and New York.
So far this has been my favorite. There's a New York look that I like — five-foot-ten, brunette. I don't like blondes very much, so being in L.A. was kind of tough.
Do you have any favorite hook-up stories?
I lost my virginity in a church. And I'm Jewish, so that was especially powerful for me. I bent her over the altar and flipped off Jesus.
Are you serious?
That was actually the peak.
Holy fuck. Literally.
There's a private chapel in my neighborhood, and I was at the house of the girl whose family had the private chapel, and things just happened.
That's insane.
She was a slut. I probably could have done anything. We could have gone outside and done it in the street and that would have been fine.
Have you ever been offended in the bedroom?
I don't know. It's very weird... I've had a girl tell me my penis is small, and another one tell me it was big in the same week. I've always been kind of confused.
Can I ask how many inches?
Six and a half. On a regular day.
I feel like average is five and a half.
I don't know. You're the sex interviewer.
Anything above six I think is okay. You must be six inches to ride. So when somebody told you your penis was small, that's when you were offended?
Yeah. No, when it was big I was offended.
I don't know — maybe you're weird. What did you do?
I kept doing it. I don't care that much.
You were still getting laid.
Yeah. You can tell me anything.
Noted. Have you ever offended anyone in the bedroom?
After the first time I got a blowjob, I told her she sucked the passion out of me. And then we broke up. I actually wrote a song about it recently.
You're a musician?
No, just having a good time.
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