Since releasing the terms "blowjob queen" and "fuck and
run" into
the rock lexicon in 1993, Liz Phair has been music's reigning queen
of candor. There's no sexual paradigm she
didn't apply any number of stun guns to,
from embracing minivan-driving
mommyhood to baring her mainstream ambitions with a terrific album
of radio-ready pop late last year. (The most
quoted song
on the
record is "H.W.C," a.k.a. "Hot White Come.") Taking time
out from touring the album, Liz whips out her sexual-adventure kit and
goes where no pop
star
has gone
before: into
the
Hooksexup mailbag,
to answer
reader questions about love, loss and inadequate lubrication. Here's part
one. We hope to have her back. — Michael Martin
Hey Liz,
I'm in my late 30s, female and basically
gay. I'm cute
(in a Mary Lou Retton-at-a-Pink-concert kind of way) and in my
sexual prime, but I live in a small, semi-conservative college town. There
are no gay bars, no "out" crowds. However, I contend that every
woman is a few beers away from bisexuality. Is it appropriate to flirt
with, cruise and try to pick up random
girls
if I find them
attractive, regardless of their sexual orientation? — Exiled in Guyville
Dear Exiled:
A couple of things pop into my mind here. First of all,
if you're going to "turn" a hetero girl, it's basically like stealing
somebody's boyfriend. You might be able to date
that
stolen person, but she's always going
to grapple with that issue, and you won't be able to have a normal relationship.
When you're dating someone who's gone same-sex for the first time, you have
two issues at hand: a) do we like each other?, and b) is she comfortable
with
her identity?
That's
a big
pain
in the
ass. It's hard enough to have a relationship, period.
Seek
out someone
who self-identifies as bisexual or lesbian. You don't
want to deal with
all that shit. You don't want to sit through hours and hours of talking
about how they feel about their identity. If you're
in your late 30s, you just want to have great sex with someone
who's a lot of fun and is ready to be supportive. In sum: screen.
Don't
just
go
after the women you find
attractive. That's another important issue: when you're not having sex,
everyone looks hot. But when you're actually trying those people
out —
like
kissing
them or
smelling
them
or whatever
— they're not. Half the people who look amazing are just shitty
in bed. So
seek out the sexually comfortable, and cut
down
the
odds
against
you.
Dear Liz,
Whenever I meet a girl, I fall into one of two categories: "Just a
Friend"
or "Full-On Boyfriend." Usually, I'm into being a boyfriend, but having
recently been released by my last girlfriend, I just want to meet some
girls and
fuck. However, I never seem to be able to convey that to women. They just
don't
see me that way. I've never had a sexual relationship that didn't turn
serious, and I worry I'm missing out on the best sex of my
life. How
can
I make girls stop thinking, "What a nice guy" and make them think, "I
want him to bend me over this bar right now"? — Too Good
to be Screwed
Hey Screwed:
Even if you succeed in making women want you to "bend them
over the bar right now," if you do it well, they're gonna want to
keep you as a boyfriend. Fact. Women want a guy
who
can
make
them feel
that way, because so few do. I think
Eddie
Murphy said it best, “If you’re making them go [ten seconds
of loud panting, followed by whooping], they want you."
You say you're a nice guy. Well, nice guys just don't have cheap sex
with women. My best advice is to take a page out of the book of assholes.
Assume that identity. Be a player. Go to a bar and just tell a hot girl
everything
she wants to hear: “You
are soooo beautiful. I'm really looking for a girlfriend right now. I want
to get very very serious.” Just fuckin' lay it on thick. Chances
are she'll immediately say, “Yeah, this guy's
full of shit,” but she'll probably sleep with you anyway. And
when she calls you, just don't call her back.
You can't have the spoils of an asshole
without
being an asshole. If you want the spoils of an asshole, I think it's
your right. You sound like the kind of guy who's going to grow up and be
solidly
married
and maybe Christian. So get to know what it's like to be an asshole. But
you're gonna have to really be that asshole. And that asshole
is always running
away from the
telephone, and he's always bumping into
the girl he slept with last week while he's got a new girl on
his arm. That's the price you're going
to have to pay!
Dear Liz:
I'm a twenty-five-year-old woman, and my boyfriend of more than
a year is a spoiled baby when it comes to oral sex. I pleasure him orally
every
day,
but he
refuses
to
return
the
favor.
Every single time I ask him to do it, he simply says ‘someday' and …
Sorry, I have to cut you off. This is a deal-breaker. Run run run. I will
not help you; I will not treat you. You must break up with him. This relationship
cannot be saved.
Dear Liz:
Whenever my girlfriend and I have sex and I bring her to
the point of no return, she always stops me right before she has an
orgasm. We have been together for over a year and she has never orgasmed
for me. I can understand that I can't expect it every time but to actually
stop someone when you're about to have one is beyond me. How can I get
her to loosen up and let me let her get off? — Guy Interrupted
Dear Guy:
I know exactly how to do this. And I almost hate to say it, but you have
to take control. There's an erotic thing
you
can
do where
you're
whispering
in her
ear, but you're commanding
her in a soft voice while you're touching her gently. You're
not scaring her, you're not forcing her. Your
body's on top of her, and you're not allowing her to squirm away.
This is probably going to arouse her, because it sounds like she has an
inability to allow herself to let go. She needs permission; she needs
someone to demand that
she
come. So you've got to do this in this insistent, whispery way, in her
ear. Create this erotic story. Tell her where you're going and what you're
doing and that you're just going to keep doing it, it doesn't matter
how long it takes, and she's gonna be a good girl, and da da
da, just for you.
This is where the feminists come in,
shrieking, ‘What
are you saying?' There's a real fine line here. Listen, if she has real
issues — if she's ever been abused
in any way — of course you need to find that out. She could have
had some real trauma in her life that's inhibiting her. But if she's just
one of
those girls
who
grew up thinking she wasn't
supposed to feel this way, or that her hootchie was gross or
something like that, you need to be gently — let
me restate this — gently insistent.
Keep
whispering in her ear and work it out ‘til she can't stop.
Dear
Liz:
I'm a young woman who has always had very conservative boyfriends.
Do you have any advice for spicing up my current relationship with my
new man? What do you think is the best way to approach threesomes?
Orgies? — Aspiring Groupie
Dear Groupie,
I've always been a one-on-one kind of person. Orgies and threesomes don't
appeal to me, and sometimes I suspect they appeal to other people because
intimacy is a problem for some of the parties involved. Now, I've watched Real
Sex — I
can see there are people who really like to be with a lot of other people,
and that's great for them. I can't speak on that, because that's not me.
Whenever
I've wanted to "spice up my life," it's usually because
I'm having trouble being vulnerable with someone, and I'm trying to
distract myself
with, like, circus antics. And it's never as gratifying as a truly intimate
experience with
another person. Because I don't know your boyfriend, I don't know how
to get him to be better in bed or more exciting, but I think some emotional
connection, some intimacy, is missing. Usually I don't get really hot
for somebody until I've gotten to know them. It's unavoidable that
intimacy leads to innovation. One
more thing: I
didn't hear you say you loved him. If he's not
doing it for you, get a different boyfriend. Find someone you can
love, and the sex will be better.
n°
Liz
Phair's latest single, "Extraordinary," is at radio now. Click here
to buy the album. Click here for Liz's official website.
Send your questions to .
©2004 hooksexup.com, Inc.
|
Commentarium (34 Comments)
She's good! Keep her!
she's boring! Dump her!
Wow -- some really good advice -- good find, Hooksexup!
Hey Ms. Phair! I'm going to be at your show in Vancouver next week... if you ask the crowd who's read your column on Hooksexup, I'll be the blond guy waving and cheering. What a combination of my two favourite things: Liz Phair and Hooksexup. Rock out!
I'm an advice column junkie. I mean I read A LOT of advice columns across the spectrum and Liz Phair is the best sex advice columnist (with apologies to the recently departed Em and Lo) I've read in a long time. She should have a regular column somewhere if she gets bored being a rock star.
I thought her advice to Too Good To Be Screwed Was Awful. As somebody who has been sexually assualted by an asshole who was telling me what he thought I wanted to hear I didn't appreciate it. There are, believe it or not, some women out there who are not looking for a serious relationship, just sex, and I think that she should have encouraged him to seek those women out instead of telling him to be a lying dirtbag.
Liz, you rock! Thanks for bringing the same full-on realness and candor you have in your lyrics to your sex advice!
Yay! I knew it, she's perfect for this. More, more, more!
Liz is great. Musically and intellectually. Her honesty always made me think of the M16 of Scarface "Say Hello to My Little Friend". pada...pada...pada...pada...pada...
Althought I still love "Sex Advice From Cowboys!"
Intelligent! Well written! Such a refreshing change! can you hire her permanently??
This great woman is just sharing in the upfront- artist- way. Why call it "sex advice"?? "Personal Advice From LF" has a much better ring. Where ever we are as a culture we must be past the era of the sex advice column. Everything blends together, everything merges. Em and Lo were cute, but that shit now would make you want to stick a finger down your throat! Far better an oppurtunity to have Liz just...share. My guess is that she pecked out your feature laughing and thinking---in a light-hearted way---what twigged out assholes you all are! Go Liz! I love that your records are sometimes so fearsome...and then you can also be gentle. Thanks.
Say Liz, if the music thing doesn't work out, maybe you should consider writing your own column. Pretty adroit for a newcomer.
keep her keep her keep her. she's honest and broadens the scope which is rare and refreshing for this sort of thing. it never really is just about sex, is it?
i should say that it is only those who are uptight that complain about getting raw/dirty/role-playingly-dominant in bed. yeah, some feminists do, but other feminists are feminists because they like to get raw as hell in the sack. autonomy and pleasure go hand in hand. check out the sex/erotic whatever issue of the utne reader with the pink cover--there's a good article about how americans are repressed about roughing it up during some ugly bumping.
So good! I was so worried when Em & Lo took off for their book fair that I would never find funny, honest sex advice outside of Dan Savage. He's great, but sometimes the ladies say it best. Keep her!
Damn you give good advice.
Great Column. She's good!
Some acute observation and advice here...Great move!
she is very pretty
What is wrong with you people?? This is the absolute WORST advice I have ever read. I think Em and Lo would tell Liz Phair that her advice is awful and stereotypical nonsense. I should have expected to this from Liz Phair. She's made these type of comments in interviews for years.
Let's see. First there is the line "Well, nice guys just don't have cheap sex with women". I am SO sick of the attitude that if you don't practice exclusive monogamy that you are a BAD person. This is a lot of intolerant Judeo-Christian nonsense! People are different! There is no one size fits all formula. Some people prefer a comitted monogamous relationship, and other people do NOT. As long as you are honest and respectful to people you should practice the sexuality of your choosing. And you can STILL be a nice person!
Then should pulls out the stereotype that she suspects that people who are into threesomes and orgies probably have "intimacy issues". Not to mention the awful and borderline offensive advice (even though she qualifies it) of having the woman's boyfriend bascially hold her down and keep going to get her off (despite her protests)! Geesh! Though I think she is a decent songwriter I have always thought her personality left a lot to be desired. And this just proves it!
If I may: First off, Liz is fantastic! Hard to imagine an artist of such quality on Hooksexup (not a dis mind you--your site's second-rated-ness is endearing and why I keep coming back). Okay now for point #2. The person below who tore into Liz with such fervor is way off base. Obviously this is some clueless boho chick with a big time agenda (Hooksexup intern perhaps?). Who else would use: "geesh"? That's the telltale sign right there, and its fuckin' annoying. Peace:)
Does anyone really care what Liz Phair thinks? (Certainly nobody cares what she sings about -- not lately, anyway.) I mean, the charm of Sex Advice from Cowboys notwithstanding, anyone who think an indie rock has-been can really truly give them insight about their lives, sexual or otherwise, is a sad case. Maybe it would have worked if Liz had just the tiniest bit of ironic distance from the whole thing, rather than treating it as if she were Abigail van Buren of the sex chats. Or maybe it would have worked if Hooksexup used her, oh I don't know, six years ago when she was still cool.
Now here's a girl that doesn't pretend to be someone she's not, nor offer tongue-and-cheek advice because she's trying to humor the audience. She rocks, not to mention her impressivley wise advice. Please return!!!
It's sort of interesting to find out about a pop star's personal beliefs. But as far as this being actual advice, it's immature, stereotypical, old-fashioned, and just plain bad. Be an asshole? Orgies are for losers? Feminists don't like BDSM? Come on, that's so retro. I love Liz as a musician and lyricist, but as an advice giver, she's unfunny and un-nuanced.
I found Liz's column insightful and empathetic
everyone is so sensitive. for jab - i think uh what she meant by 'cheap' was dishonest like bullshitting charm to get what you want. like 'lying' to get laid. the opposite of what you were on about a second later. and anyway since when is honesty an antidote for suffering? you might be able control your own stuff but how do you know what kind of attachments are forming in another person on the smallest body levels, forget the rational mind that might be like, 'oh yes this is cheap and fine' there is a lot going down deep in your skin and i don't think it's as easy as 'as long as you're honest and respectful' anyways people should do what they want, it's not my business and it's not her business but this is an advice column and she said what SHE thought, not what anyone else thought, so what is wrong?
i dont' like her music or anything but people can't cry about what any and every girl thinks.
Hey, the lady's got nous. I like her.
Excellent, absolute genius. She hit a Hooksexup ; ) Liz rocks!
Very good. Keep them coming.
that was great reading, Liz has such an upfront approach to stuff that we're all wondering about
Finlaly! This is just what I was looking for.
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