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It's an exciting week for The Confessies, your weekly award ceremony for all that is hilarious and eye-catching in the Hooksexup Dating Confessions. While your contributions were the normal roiling stew of infidelity, early-relationship bliss, and semi-inappropriate use of social-networking sites, we've hand-picked a select few that cried out for extra attention. So join us this week as we honor the best in such categories as facial-hair lust, kiss-offs from the United Kingdom, and early-'90s musical references.

The Award for Most Shakespearean Mix-Up Potential:
 November 10 2009, 04:55P
 "I'm dating my boyfriend because I'm secretly in love with his twin brother who's married."

The Award for Most Likely to Be Dating Liz Phair's Ex:
November 12 2009, 07:28P
 "I am now self-conscious when giving you blowjobs after you admitted your ex was the queen of them. Sometimes I hate you for that."

The "That's What John Madden Said" Award:
 November 12 2009, 01:37A
 "Learn how to read my body language, damnit. Making me give you a play-by-play is guaranteed to kill any chance of me actually getting off."

The Anne Boleyn Award for Learning the Hard Way:
November 10 2009, 12:41P
 "Getting dumped in a charming British accent isn't all that charming."

The Hipster-Grifter Award for Hirsute Achievement:
 November 11 2009, 12:38A
 "Grow a beard and I will sleep with you immediately."

The Sophie's Choice Award
 November 8 2009, 09:54A
"I think when I'm 70 I'll care more about how many books I've written than how much sex I've had. But I'm not sure."

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8 Comments

The John Madden award winner needs to just give instructions once. She sounds difficult to please.

rep commented on 11/16

Just when I think I've got it all figured out and should shave, a new piece of info like the Hipster-Grifter Award winner comes through and confuses me all over again.

EL commented on 11/16

The Ann Boylen girl sopunds like a real sucker.

kd commented on 11/16

Son, it's not unreasonable for a man pays attention to my body language, listen to the sounds I'm making, the pressure of my fingers on his head, etc., etc. in place of verbal instructions. I can talk about it before and after, but not during. It's not easy for me to have an orgasm and having to talk someone through it makes me lose my concentration, which makes it take even longer to get me off. Anyway, the guys who were best at giving head were always the ones who didn't need me to walk them through every lick and swirl.

JL commented on 11/16

But you could talk through it ONCE while doing it and be done with this big problem that you couldn't solve and needed to confess.

@JL commented on 11/16

JL's right. Play-by-play is only good if 1) It's the erotic demand of the player, and focuses the playee or 2) You're a genuine Mrs. Robinson trainee.

mdd commented on 11/17

I agree with JL- the good head givers can pay attention. Besides, the ones who want the play by play inevitably screw it up by needing to hurry, fidget, be impatient, ask about the play, move on to the next move, and not just stay the fuck right there when I say RIGHT THERE. They never seem to understand that means don't change the play!

NM commented on 11/17

Consider my 'confession' a PSA for all the clueless box munchers out there.

JL commented on 11/17
 

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