Drunken Four-Year-Old Impersonates the Grinch, Steals Christmas

As Chattanooga's NewsChannel 9 wrote, "It's a strange story, but also a sad one." I'm glad they cleared up the emotional ambiguity of this tale of child endangerment, because I was very confused about how to feel.

April Wright is 21 years old and is going through a divorce with her husband who is in jail.  She says she is not sure how her 4-year-old managed to get out of the house, open a beer, and steal the neighbors [sic] presents from under their tree.

Ohhhhhh boy. Starting out with a bang, this story. There is not a single detail in those two sentences that does not depress me. Wait, let's see how many more sentences I can cherry pick from this gem of a story to brighten your day!

In a police reports, officers said he was wearing a little girl's dress and drinking a beer.

Perfect.

"He runs away trying to find his father," she said. "He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that's where his daddy is."

Excellent.

April Wright said, "Biggest concern was him being out there, getting kidnapped, getting run over, the alcohol, having to have his stomach pumped."

There we go! I do agree with you, April - those four completely horrible things are the biggest concern. I guess the smaller concerns include the theft, the breaking and entering, and the "crime committed in the name of gender confusion," which smacks of early Buffalo Bill. Kid, if you want to wear a dress, there are better ways to do it than by drunkenly jacking some other kid's holiday loot.