I know, I know – it’s part of your daily routine. Get up, tweet, brush your teeth, take a photo of yourself with a toothpaste beard, tweet about it, post it on Facebook, and wait for the LOLz to start rolling in. But let’s ask ourselves a question: which of these activities is good, which is very good, and which is likely to end with your photo on a blog as the butt of a very terrible joke? Well, since everyone knows that brushing your teeth is good for you and when you stopping tweeting, you stop existing IN THE WORLD, the obvious answer is C. For your edification, I present to you five reasons to get the hell off the ‘Book.
5. Because Some Things Should Not Be Broadcast Online
Going out on a limb and getting rejected? Sucks. Going out on a limb and getting rejected in front of a bunch of people on Facebook? Suckier. Getting rejected and then mocked and then having your Facebook rejection posted and re-posted endlessly across the internet while thousands of people you’ve never met laugh and laugh and laugh? Um, this.
4. Because Your Parents and Grandparents Are On It
Facebook is for old people and babies. So stop worrying about your boss seeing that picture your fiance took in Cabo and start worrying about Nana and little cousin Jimmy. In the first six months of 2009, facebook saw a 513% increase in users over fifty-five. And a 20% decrease in college and high school kids. Which means we are fast returning to a place where “poking” goes back to being something that grandmothers do to the cheeks of five-year-olds.
3. Because Some Things Should Not Be Broadcast Online (See no. 5)
Oh Fred. Poor, poor Fred. Hosting parties is a stressful enterprise, and the social world can be hard, especially for the awkward among us. I empathize with you so much. So much that I want to run away from you backwards pointing and laughing – so that I can separate myself from you as much as possible, and to get home so I can lock myself up and pray that I am never, ever this sad and lonely. Which is kind of what the internet is for, right?
2. Because Mark Zuckerberg Is Actually Big Brother
Today, Gawker is running a pretty disturbing exposé, based on a inside info from a Facebook employee. Apparently, Facebook compiles lots and lots of super-personal information about you – things like whose profile you visit and all of your messages – and is careless about giving access to this to their employees. Which, to be fair, we all kind already knew. But reports have just started leaking about a giant Facebook-run youth camp inside a volcano in Zambia, where youngsters receive training in use of and care for “The ‘Book.”
1. Because Some Things Should Not Be Broadcast Online (See no. 3, 5)
Sweet Jesus. As if Junior High wasn’t hard enough. This little girl Kate, who I think is like 15, will be famous for the rest of her life as “The girl who would have given Brian a blow-job if he cut his hair.” Until she cracks, and runs away, stops eating, gets a fake tan and starts posting crazy videos of herself to her devoted mob of internet fans. And then she’ll be known as the most famous, although not the first, victim of Facebook-Shame Related Madness (FSRM). Or, um, Tila Tequila.