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25
Feb 11th, 2010

Awesome Advice, Way to Go!

wowowowThe Source: Erica Manfred, wowOwow

The Dilemma: "I am 45, have three kids ages 10 to 14 and I am unhappy in my marriage. I have not worked in 15 years and am afraid of being on my own. My husband is a wonderful person and a good father. I just don't love him anymore. I feel lost and alone. My friends all say I need to stick with it. They do not understand. Where do I go from here?"

The Advice: "Who do you think is around the corner for women over 45, especially with three kids? George Clooney? If you leave you will find a lot of bald, paunchy old players, who are discovering how desirable they are now that they're in short supply. Meanwhile, some smart cookie will grab your wonderful husband and will be part-time mom to your two kids. That will not be fun.  You will have to split all your assets, and unless you're rich now, you will be poor divorced, especially since you have no career."

The Rebuttal: She's right, Missy. You stay in that marriage. We all know that the best relationships are founded on a belief in your own helplessness, petty jealousy towards other women ("I'm going to hold on to this toy so no one else can play with it!"), and paralyzing fear. Granted, Ms. Manfred does go on to suggest counseling later in her answer, but with a pep talk like the one above, most readers will have already slit their wrists, and you can't Google "marriage therapist" with blood all over the keyboard!

westernThe Source: Shawn Fitzpatrick, Western Courier

The Dilemma: You're a college-age female trying to decide on a major.

The Advice: "All across the country young women are entering college in a quest for a new kind of achievement. Their pursuit of happiness leads to the increasingly popular MRS. degree. While this particular happiness cannot be obtained through college education, it is through the young men enrolled in the universities that these girls seek their potential marriages… Rather than letting loose and enjoying their college experience, these particular females perceive every situation to be their personal tryout… So my advice to you young ladies is if you're hoping to find yourself a husband, complete this one step: live your life!... Call me crazy, but I went to college for the education."

The Rebuttal: Sorry, Fitzy, but you're about sixty years late on this trend piece. The notion of the "Mrs. Degree" has been around since the 1950s. It's as stupid now as it was then. Women go to college for all kinds of reasons. A small proportion may be there to land a husband, but thirty-page term papers and dining-hall jobs tend to weed out the non-committed. I'm no longer in college, but I think I speak on behalf of women in this demo when I say that protecting yourself from these commitment-obsessed girls doesn't need to be a worry.

parentingThe Source: Laura Berman, Parenting

The Dilemma: "I want to learn how to do a non-X-rated striptease for my husband, but I'm worried he'll laugh at me. Any suggestions?"

The Advice: "Good for you! I applaud your willingness to step outside the box and take some risks… Many gyms now offer fun classes like stripteasing, so check with your local fitness center. If there aren't any classes in your area, you can find a number of how-to DVDs at Fitnessfly.com; Carmen Electra's line of striptease DVDs is available at Aerobicstriptease.com."

The Rebuttal: Help me out, because apparently I'm dumb. What in the name of Jenna Jameson is a "non-X-rated striptease?" Do you put clothes on instead of take them off? Peel down to your thermals while humming the Care Bears theme? And what's with Carmen Electra being the go-to girl? No offense to any Scary Movie or Dennis Rodman lovers, but the woman's kind of a cheese. Why not Salma Hayek's snake dance in From Dusk Till Dawn or old burlesque reels? Gym videos are for toning your ass, not shaking it. You don't want to be counting off imaginary reps in your head and worrying about gluteal alignment. It takes away from the experience.

menshealthThe Source: Lisa Jones, Men's Health

The Dilemma: There's a naked lady in your bed and it's rendered you speechless.

The Advice: Take it easy, boo. Lisa Jones has your back with her list of "The 30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman." Some highlights:

#2 "Is it okay with you if I take this slow?"

#7 "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)

#8 "Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."

#28 Playful laughter.

#29 "Don't ever leave me."

The Rebuttal: Guy: "Is it okay if I take this burrito slow?"

Girl: "Playful laughter."

Guy: "Why are you saying ‘playful laughter'?"

Girl: "Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being extreme discomfort.)

Guy: "Don't ever leave me."

Girl: "See ya!"

Comments ( 25 )

"Don't ever leave me?" Yikes.

C commented on Feb 11 10 at 1:26 am

I don't know Erin, I kind of like the line about the burrito. A man who makes me snacks to eat in bed, presumably after he's satisfied my other needs (since I'm naked)? A woman could do much worse.

Layalally commented on Feb 11 10 at 2:49 am

"why are you saying 'playful laughter?'"

Classic!

D commented on Feb 11 10 at 3:35 am

I don't know about the married 45 year old woman. My first instinct is to tell her to stay married and make it work -- not because of some sanctity of marriage shit (it's just a contract, people); I just tend to agree that she doesn't have a lot to offer or a lot of choices in the dating world in her situation. BUT, some people have low standards... so maybe she'll be happy with something else, anything else, as long as it's not the same fucking guy she's been watching decay before her eyes for the last 20-odd years?

PO commented on Feb 11 10 at 3:57 am

if anyone ever put mexican food in a bed with me while i was naked i would get up and leave swearing i think

especially a ducking burrito.

"hey we just had great sex, whose up for linguine? or some stroganoff? do you want nachos?"

the only thing he should be eating is puss ya'll

sugar commented on Feb 11 10 at 5:59 am

That is some of the worst pillow talk I've ever heard! Are you kidding me? My husband might not say much, but at least his, "Damn, you feel good!" doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out.
www.whathappened116.wordpress.com

whathappened116 commented on Feb 11 10 at 9:44 am

I'm not sure what the point is of a non-X-rated striptease, either, especially for someone you're married to, but if she really wants to, a good source might be old classic TV shows where stripping was part of the plot. They couldn't show or imply very much back then but sometimes had it as part of the story, so maybe she could pick up some non-X-rated pointers.

Actually, some of those old classic TV shows had plots that might be fun to act out....

JCF commented on Feb 11 10 at 9:47 am

Hear that women over 45...give up because you're too old, no one wants you and you're pretty much worthless except to the person you chained to your soul for the rest of eternity when you were 20. Good luck!

Also this is the funniest line! Peel down to your thermals while humming the Care Bears theme?

Esmee commented on Feb 11 10 at 11:01 am

I went to a private Christian university and I swear that there were girls there that were just there for the MRS. degree. I even had professors say that if you didn't find your husband or wife at the school then you were likely to not find one at all. Little do they know that I was wanting a wife they would've had a field day with that!

Karen commented on Feb 11 10 at 11:42 am

"Private Christian university" = not college

PO commented on Feb 11 10 at 1:03 pm

no such thing as non x-rated striptease--Have you ever heard of burlesque with pasties and such?

rm commented on Feb 11 10 at 1:18 pm

Re: the 45 year-old married woman considering divorce, I wouldn't do it so quickly, but not because she's going to be dealing with a dating pool of paunchy-aging-boomers (although that's certainly a pitfall, at least for women).

Rather, what a lot of women don't realize is that if they ask for the divorce in an otherwise decent long marriage (albeit lacking in steam), they will often be villified by family and friends (including the kids). You can debate whether this is wrong or right, but it's a fact nonetheless. So not only will she be facing a tough job market, an unforgiving dating pool, less finances, and the general struggles of living by yourself. She may also be losing the support of many she assumes will be in her corner. I'm not saying she should stay in a loveless marriage, but she should exhaust every other option before dinner.

Sometimes the grass on the other side of the fence doesn't only fail to be green; it turns out to be fucking scorched earth. Just something to consider.

Dave commented on Feb 11 10 at 2:36 pm

Re: 45 year old woman. GET DIVORCED. I cannot believe the number of people pandering to the idea that a woman over 40 is going to be miserable if she doesn't have a partner. Yes, it's difficult especially if you've been out of the job market for such a long time. But it's not impossible. Heaven forbid your children learn that sometimes life is difficult and you have to sacrifice to make a life for yourself that you're happy living.

My parents got divorced when I was young because they were unhappy together. Was it hard for my mother to be single with two children? Of course! Was she occasionally sad and lonely? Also of course! Did I learn to be a strong independent person who knows how to respectfully and responsibly try my hardest to be happy by myself and with my partner? Definitely. Both my parents are a lot happier than almost every one of my friends whose parents stayed together "for the kids". News flash: when you're in a miserable loveless, sexless marriage, your kids know. It's not the greatest example to set for them.

ECJ commented on Feb 11 10 at 6:50 pm

enough about the chick divorcing her husband, my dads been divorced 3 times, it happens. i'm not a dramatic pushover but i do think love is one of the most important things in our lives. it real and if you are married 2 someone you dont love then you arent living a life at all. 45 isnt that old anymore anyways dude, i no plenty of my friends who would try to satisfy a decent lookin 45 year olds needs.

but about the 30 sayings things. "never leave me" is f'ing creepy, dont think that would work,but something like, "you are beautiful" or just a smile and "this is perfect" would work. its kinda simple but powerful. besides who likes to talk alot during sex anyways. it shouldnt be silent but its called body language, learn how to use it. and u dont have to go to college to figure that one out. if shes beautiful kiss everpart of her body. sept the butthole. dont mess with that. dangerous.

jeremiah commented on Feb 11 10 at 11:57 pm

For crying out loud! Love comes and goes - doesn't everyone know that by now? We're not programmed to remain gooey and excited, adoring and stimulated on a constant f*cking loop. The 'boredom' factor is commmon enough in two year relationships without kids, let alone in long marriages with three kids, and if you break up then you know damn well that sooner or later it will all happen again with someone else. The challenge and the satisfaction in a good lasting relationship has to be patience, compromise and the ability to shake it up a bit every so often, sexually or otherwise, with your other half. How many times have you heard how couples who do this, go on to fall in love all over again with each other. It's called 'work' - admittedly an alien concept in this age of disposable relationships - but very worthwhile. If you work at something and it pays off, the satisfaction is immense and you as a person have earned your right to be happy.

Sr commented on Feb 12 10 at 8:49 am

Why has nobody suggested that the 45 year old who is out of love with her husband try getting out into the work force and trying new things before she makes a final decision about her husband. If her kids are 10-13, they don't need her at home ALL the time anymore. Maybe if she took up some personal interests that don't involve family, things with her husband would be a little different. (Then again, maybe not.) It's really easy to get bored and frustrated with someone if you rely on them for your entire sense of identity, the way many women do with their families.

Clementine commented on Feb 12 10 at 12:24 pm

I'm shocked people actually think the 45 year old should stay married. Just get divorced! You are not happy anymore. Who cares what "prospective" bachelors are out there. Maybe she doesn't even care about dating. She is not happy. That is the worst reason possible to stay married.

Jeff commented on Feb 12 10 at 4:00 pm

EXACTLY, Clementine! Do things that you might try to do if you were single, and see if having that time apart, engaging in other activities doesnt make you a happier person regardless. I cant see how anyone would be happy seeing nothing but the inside walls of their home or the aisles at a grocery store every day. Get a part time job, explore local museums, etc. At a bare minumum, it will give you something to talk about thats new and exciting. Thats a start! :)

sassypants commented on Feb 12 10 at 4:30 pm

Stay married, stay married, stay married, 'cause you have nothing to offer? Christ! Oh, wait. I forgot a woman is just the sum of her job potential and the perkiness of her breasts.

Che commented on Feb 12 10 at 6:30 pm

I'm going to give some completely different advice to the 45 yr old woman. If her husband still loves her, and is a good husband and father, then try re-igniting the spark. Get some counseling, go on a marriage retreat (if you are at all religious, try a Marriage Encounter weekend. There are many denominations including Jewish, Catholic and Protestant marriage encounters. The weekend focuses on communication skills). And I agree about getting a part time job and everyone needs at least one hobby. Raising kids can suck the life out of a relationship unless husband/wife make the effort to keep the romantic part of marriage going. Get a babysitter and go on some date nights. You need time alone just for the 2 of you. And - I'm not kidding about this last one - read some romance fiction. Try the authors Rachel Gibson, Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Kristan Higgans, Nora Roberts for starters. Women who read romance enjoy sex more - I heard that at a writer's workshop. You owe it to yourself, your husband, your kids, and your extended families to work on your marriage first before leaving it. Long term successful marriages require falling back in love with one's spouse periodically and maintaining the spark.

JL commented on Feb 13 10 at 12:37 am

"Don't ever leave me"?

Lisa Jones should never give any advice to any man, ever again.

Michael commented on Feb 13 10 at 5:09 pm

@ PO It may not be some people's definition of college and yes there were a lot of rules but I got a good education and am now working on my masters (not at the same school of course) if i had to do it all over I would not go to school there but everything happens for a reason.

Karen commented on Feb 13 10 at 9:25 pm

Long-term, the purpose of marriage is to provide mutual shelter starting with the roof, the fridge full of food, etc. The whole love bit is just entry-level. After that it's an economic partnership. The woman thinking about divorce is fooling herself. She better get what she needs to survive on her own, job skills, etc now. If she was going to fall in love and be whisked away to her magic castle it would have happened already. Forget that and get real, princess.

Roberta commented on Feb 14 10 at 12:22 pm

To the 45 year old woman unhappy in marriage:
I'm 44, I left a terribly unhappy marriage a few years ago, even left my three children with him (!!!), got a customer service job that was FUN, but paid enough for my own little studio pad, and my dating pool was full of HOT gorgeous 20-something men (and a few women) who absolutely LOVED being with an older woman. I am now happily married to a HOT 20-something 15 years younger than me. I'm now back in school to get a better job, my kids still love me, I see them every week, and even though it was excrutiatingly painful in some ways, I am HAPPIER NOW THAN I EVER WAS in that awful marriage.

So all you people who say a 45 yo mom is doomed to a life of poverty with old paunchy men, CAN SUCK ON THIS!!!!!

VivaZoya commented on Feb 14 10 at 9:05 pm

What to say to the naked woman in your bed....
"Gosh! I wish my mom was here right now."
heh heh heh

Daver5000 commented on Feb 15 10 at 2:36 pm

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