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18

sex advice from segway owners

jaredJared, 32

www.SegwayOfOhio.com

What has riding a Segway taught you about sex or dating?
If you're doing it right, you should probably be wearing a helmet!

What's the best way to pick up a Segway owner?
Ask questions about it. Like most early-adaptors, Segway owners are more than happy to preach about how much they love their machines! Don't — I repeat, don't — mention Paul Blart Mall Cop.

How can owning a Segway improve my sex life?
Well, riding a Segway can be a great pick-up tool. It is, at least, a solid ice-breaker. The important thing is not to be embarrassed. It's a little bit dorky, we all know that! But it's also a lot of fun. So, embrace your geekiness. Own it. You'll find that the inner nerd you try so dearly to hide can be a bit charming.

What's the most overrated erogenous zone?
Overrated erogenous zone? Nothing is overrated. In fact, in a study I just conducted in my imagination, 99.8% of people feel that almost every zone is "underrated." Ear, check. Back of the neck, yum! Back of the knee, yes please! Between the legs…well, you get what I'm saying. The only time an area can be overrated is when other areas are being neglected.

My girlfriend is just not as good at oral as my ex. How can I help improve her skills without hurting her feelings?
Treat her like a dog. Wait, before you stop reading... When training a puppy, punishment will only get you so far, but praise will get you results. Try not to focus on what she's doing wrong, but be sure she knows everything she's doing right. Next time she goes down on you, try to say something along the lines of: “God, I love it when you…”. Let her know what she does well and she'll be more eager to please.

But wait, Mr. Oral Trainer! Are you sure you're doing everything she needs in that department? If oral school is in session, you should work on honing your abilities as well. The next time you reciprocate, ask her to direct you. She'll get off on calling the shots, and you'll find out what really heats her up.

This woman I just started dating doesn't shave her legs. I think it's kind of a turn-off, but she's awesome in every other way. Should I say something?
Absolutely. Just be prepared to take it like a champ when she doesn't like your clothes… or would prefer you lose those extra holiday pounds. While I'm on the topic, your teeth could be whiter. Also, you snore. Have you ever asked her (nicely) why she doesn't shave her legs? I'm sure the idea has occurred to her, prior to your unique insight. Find out what her reasons are, and make an attempt to learn something about her. But, if the hairy legs are that big of a turn-off, move on.

I'm a guy who's always had tepid orgasms. Is there any way I can make them more intense?
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! Heed my words and your lukewarm orgasm will become a five-alarm, dehydrating explosion of pleasure and body fluids. Start and stop: during foreplay try to get as close to orgasm as possible and then… Stop! Don't touch it! Don't even look at it! Turn your focus to your partner and give yourself time to cool down. Do this as many times as the two of you can stand… but make sure not to wait so long that your partner gets bored.

FIND MORE
Miss Information: Can't stop thinking about my cheating ex
Ridiculous Tips for a Miserable Sex Life
I Did it for Science: Topless in the Park

Comments ( 18 )

This is the worst ever
Bernard commented on Mar 12 10 at 1:50 am
OMG please PLEASE give Jim his own column, he is amazing
:) commented on Mar 12 10 at 1:52 am
segways are for people in the hip-n-happenin city, yes? and in the hip-n-happenin city, you never have to walk very far, right? so, aren't these people basically lazy and overpaid? that said the first guy is funny
apk commented on Mar 12 10 at 6:39 am
This confirmed my belief that anyone who owns one of these is a huge nerd. But it also showed a snippet of the diverse group of nerds that exist. Guy #2 and 3 could do with giving up the segway and walking more to lose a few pounds. It should be a recreational activity not an excuse not to walk.
R.M. commented on Mar 12 10 at 8:36 am
What I learned: Segway owners are boring.
luke commented on Mar 12 10 at 10:10 am
Jared: If you're doing it right, you should be wearing a helmet. Hahahahaha.
TwL commented on Mar 12 10 at 10:43 am
I have to agree, this week is a miss.
M. W. commented on Mar 12 10 at 1:51 pm
The fact that no women would appear to ride segways should tell you something right there. This one was awful.
oof commented on Mar 12 10 at 2:03 pm
Hahah, this guy is hilarious. back of knees, yes please!
r commented on Mar 12 10 at 3:20 pm
I think I love Jared.
BR commented on Mar 13 10 at 1:40 am
the last two are blah, but jared's funny
hm commented on Mar 13 10 at 4:29 am
This column has so jumped the shark Please kill it
jwz commented on Mar 13 10 at 3:25 pm
Jim?!? Jared needs his own column, the better to share the results of the studies he has just conducted in his imagination. (Yes, I laughed at that)
theobvious commented on Mar 13 10 at 10:48 pm
omg jared is so f'in hot - I would do him . . . again and again and again. He has such game - he should be giving lessons to other men!!
cni commented on Mar 14 10 at 3:10 pm
Jared!! Where are you hm??... You're Hot. :)
Cin commented on Mar 15 10 at 10:52 am
more Jared
commented on Mar 17 10 at 2:53 pm
More Jared!!
chris commented on Mar 17 10 at 3:32 pm
Thanks all...had a lot of fun with this.
Jared commented on Apr 20 10 at 1:20 pm

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