Carlos, 22
What do you do for a living?
I sell glasses and I act. But right now, selling glasses is paying bills and acting is taking my money. I'm single and dating but I'm kind of broke so the dating has been slowing down lately.
So are you hooking up in a friends-with-benefits situation?
Yeah, friends with benefits.
How did you find her?
We'd been friends for a while. She had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend. But once that ended, we both were kind of like, "Relationships suck," and it was a win-win.
Why did your last relationship end?
Well, that's a really long story. She broke up with me but then she kind of dragged me along and toyed with me for a while, and finally I said, "I can't take it anymore." There was still a lot of still dealing with nonsense and baggage. Technically we were only together for six months. But baggage? Like two years. To be honest, it was my first real big relationship, so it was a lot of me not being ready to let go. A lot of wishful thinking. She would say she was going try harder and blah blah blah.
What's a dating-related dealbreaker?
Definitely jealousy. I have a lot of friends who are girls. And I flirt a lot. I'm guilty. I flirt a lot but it's harmless. And I hate when it becomes an issue with my friends, the people I hang out with. When she starts saying things about my friends like, "Oh, that girl likes you." I'm like, "Well, I've been friends with this person for a while and nothing's ever happened."
Do you have any constructive criticism for single girls you're dating?
Actually, I do have a constructive criticism: don't bring your baggage from your old relationship into your new relationship. For a lot of girls, there are guys who are assholes who break their hearts, but they drag this baggage into their new relationship and get too guarded waiting for the other person to really fully commit. So they think they're protecting themselves, but at the end of the day they're just ruining something that could've been good. A girlfriend of mine had a really bad relationship with her previous boyfriend. And even though I committed to the relationship and wanted to move forward, she held herself back a lot. If you really want to get into a relationship, you have to risk getting hurt.
Got any crazy hookup stories?
I got head in the back of a bus once, in Chicago. I was at a program in Illinois, a business leadership thing... so there were a lot of people on the bus.
Jennifer, 22
What do you do for a living?
I'm a makeup artist.
What's your relationship status?
I'm currently in a long-distance relationship.
Long-distance relationships seem to be tough.
In the beginning it was really, really hard. And it's always going to be, but as long as you trust each other and give each other the space that you need even though you are very, very far away from each other, you'll be okay. Don't call constantly. That's my tip.
How did you meet?
We actually met at a Valentine's Day party in Brooklyn at a mutual friend's house. [pause] A guy who I was kind of dating's house, actually.
So what was so awesome about this new guy that made you reprioritize?
He knew a lot about the Gin Blossoms. [laughs] I mean considering that he picked me up in line for the bathroom and offered me a Miller High Life and actually got me to drink it — that was pretty impressive.
What do you do about sex if it's long distance? When's the last time you got laid?
I get laid pretty consistently with this guy. We see each other about once every week or so. I mean — webcam, phone sex, sexting.
So you take advantage of your phone plan.
[phone vibrates] Awesome.
Is that him?
Yes it is! [looks] Okay, that was a sext.
Got any crazy hookup stories?
Oh God, do you really want to know? He and I are very experimental, very experimental. We make frequent trips to sex shops, always incorporating something. Lately we've been watching a lot of girl-on-girl porn while having sex.
Are there any common mistakes you see single people committing that make you think, "That's why you're single?"
They get too attached too easily. Have fun for a little while. Keep your options open for a little while — a little while being like, I don't know, a month. Hang out for a month with this person. See if you can actually stand each other. And don't try and push titles. In my relationship, he started the title conversation, and it wasn't for two-and-a-half months. The guys I've dated have always wanted to rush into a relationship. They should just lay off. I guess some girls like that, but whatever.
In terms of giving head: girls first? Guys first?
It's not okay if a guy doesn't give head. It's not okay. But in general, I prefer to receive second. Because I know if I receive first, I'm not going to put in any effort in. I'm just kind of done. It's true. So I've got to wait and go last.
Ronen, 27
What do you do for a living?
Photographer.
What is the kinkiest thing you've ever done?
Let's see. I'm trying to pick between a couple things. It depends on what constitutes kinky. I guess it depends on different people's standards of kink, it's like —
Give me one.
Well, it's also about how kinky it is to me. I spent a while without a home and when I was without a home, I ended up having a lot of sex in public places or bathrooms of bars with girls I was dating because we didn't have a place to go. So we'd go visit my friend at his bar and disappear for half an hour. But I don't know if that's considered kinky.
What else?
I spent a day training someone as a slave girl, at her request. Like tying her up. During that day, her breasts and nipples weren't sensitive originally. I noticed that and she said that yeah, she's not sensitive. So one thing that I did during the day is train them to be sensitive, and now they're really super-sensitive.
How did you train them to be sensitive?
Associatively. Just pure Pavlovian playing with her in areas where she was sensitive. Playing with that and then stopping — it was associative — to the point where I was like building to her orgasm. Then, by just playing with her breasts, which were associated with her clit... You can do a lot with that. I turned one girl's right eyebrow — er, her left, my right — her left eyebrow super-sensitive to the point where I could bring her to orgasm just by squeezing her eyebrow, because I would do it while I was also playing with other places. The associations were so strong that that was enough. Is that satisfactory?
That's more than satisfactory.
We're leaving out group sex because my experiences with it tended to be less kinky. I haven't done as much kinky stuff when I'm having group sex, because I'm too, like, "Yay!"
Do you have any dating advice for women?
[pause] I think girls keep a lot private in a normal, condescending way because they think guys are too insecure to take it. But that's kind of true: guys are too insecure. Women sometimes do this thing — it's the extension of faking an orgasm. Instead of acting like something is okay even though it's not, just communicate what you want. Give the person a chance to do what you want. Don't assume they won't.
Do you have any advice for guys?
Stop being such pussies! Get over it.
You mean about approaching girls or what?
Everything. Guys are just these insecurity machines that girls have to cater to. Guy game is all about confidence and girl game is all about putting on these kid gloves to handle guys' sensitive egos and make them feel okay. Guys can't handle the reality that girls also like sex and sleeping with multiple people. Guys are insecure, and then they get really clingy, and the insecure, clingy thing is ultimately a form of being a dick. When someone is insecure and needy with another person, really what it means is that they're acting entitled to the other person and not like they have to earn the other person. Because the confident person is like, "It's okay, I want to have to earn this person, because I'm confident that I can." The insecure person wants almost an assurance that the other person likes them because they feel entitled to that. They don't want to have to merit it.
Interviews and photography by Nancy Sun. Want to talk to strangers in your town? Email .
Comments ( 40 )
where is that wonderland of games? Q*bert? i need some Q*bert. i didn't even bother with the answers. just found myself wondering where to get more tokens.
I think it may be Barcade in Brooklyn.
njtout appears to be correct. Tis Barcade.
I want Ronen to train my left eyebrow!
On a more serious note, I absolutely second everything Ronen says in his answers to the last 3 questions. That is essentially what all the advice I ever give my friends boils down to.
Holy shit, Ronen was so great. Best one in a while.
Yes, he's on my Talking to Strangers all-star team
:)
Great insights, Ronen. I'm a man and I agree with everything you said, and I didn't figure that shit out until my 30s.
agree with Open, ronen you nailed it! wake the fuck up dudes! (joey included)
Ah, Liz,
You want to date an adult, but you're not big enough to do the difficult task of breaking up with people honestly, but rather pretend that you're a crazy passive-aggressive? Sounds like you have some growing up to do yourself.
Thank you! I was totally thinking this as I read that response. What horse-shit "sparing them their ego". Girl, please
Until you can wear your big girl pants, you can't emotionally connect with someone who has it together.
what she was saying was the she did it unintentionally. As in, upon reflection, she realized she had been sabotaging her relationships in this way. Which is actually a pretty mature thing to conclude.
does her credit, but her maturity is still in question when's she's making excuses about how "it saves their ego, honestly."
liz should date jay leno. they have at least one thing in common.
Yeah, the first-page girls come off pretty bad. Between the every-male-is-a-man-child-but-I-can't-break-up-like-a-grown-woman chick and the don't-talk-to-me-during-sex-but-how-dare-you-try-to-finger-my-butt-without-asking girl, I had to take a breather before continuing. Jennifer seems pretty interesting though... I'd save a few hyphens for her.
I was also really bothered by "Don't talk to me! Stop doing things without talking to me!"
Life is SO much simpler with partners who do not expect you to be telepathic.
I totally agree, noticed that as well. Talking is a GOOD thing.
Tianna needs to know that almost any guy who's really that into a particular woman is going to want to really be into her ass. It's really a compliment. But only if the guy's interested in pleasing her there with tongue as well as fingers and penis. And he needs to be willing to welcome her insertions in his own ass. It's only fair for a woman who's considering receiving anally to be able to say ''ok, but you can put into my ass only things that are the same size as what I can put into yours.'' And no, there's nothing gay about a guy receiving penetration from a woman.
Least attractive group in this series by far.
Why does that matter? I love series, but not for gawking at people's faces.
Dear Liz. You don't get to complain about people being man-children if you choose to play childish manipulative games to get rid of ones you don't like instead of being mature and forthright in your relationships with other people. Sincerely, Joe.
Exactly.
What's up with all the ink on these women? Total turnoff.
It's not the ink that bothers me so much, though I'm way past being interested in anyone's tattoos these days. . If Tianna turned up with that stainless steel snot-drip hanging from her nose and tried to serve me food, I would ask for another server. That's just gross.
Ha, thanks guys!
Congratulations, Ronen. You won this round.
What's immature about wanting to avoid hurting someone else's feelings? True, it doesn't give them a chance to re-examine themselves and hear what someone else considers to be flaws about them, so they don't have a chance to improve themselves (if they decide the complaints about them are valid). True, it probably disillusions them and makes them a little more misogynistic. But I don't see the childishness in convincing a significant other (if you care about them) that you're less than their gold standard of dating, instead of breaking it to them that it's the other way around.
What is better, telling a partner outright that they're not what you're looking for or actively playing mean-spirited head games to get them to break up with you? The latter was strikes me as cowardice, as an inability to accept responsibility and ownership for you own feelings. Now, I believe you can be honest with someone AND spare the harshest barbs (you're not attractive to me, I don't like your personality) provided you have a base level of sensitivity and tact, but you're better off doing that then acting deliberately unpleasant.
you are so mad
Agreed!
There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spare people their feelings. That is what a mature person should always aim to do. But by never telling your partners why you broke up with them, you are sparing yourself the guilt of playing bad cop, sparing them the hurt and rejection they will feel but ultimately you are also sparing them the need to reflect on themselves and grow as people - which is exactly what Liz complains about, man-children.
Also, if you find your partners consistently feature similar characteristics, chances are you subconsciously seek them out.
Liz is a perfect example of female hypocrisy: she's bitching about her boyfriends being immature, but she can't express her own feelings to them by breaking up with them honestly.
Liz needs to be telling these guys to grow up, since they aren't going to figure it out on their own. She also needs to date older guys, by say 8 or 10 years to find what she wants.
Tickle your ass with a feather?
"Guys are just these insecurity machines that girls have to cater to." Uh, have you ever actually dated a woman? Totally bizarre to say it's GUYS who need to get used to how women "like sex and sleeping with multiple people", when most women I know are totally freaked out by the idea that their guy might conceivably want to sleep with someone other than them. I do like the idea that we have to earn the other person, as long as it goes both ways, gender-wise. Whatever bullshit men might pull, it's not as if there aren't a lot of women who think their job in a relationship is basically to show up, be pretty, and get whatever they want handed to them.
I guess he was talking about actual relationships, not the bullshit you've culled from network television.
So female insecurity/jealousy, and women's constant need for reassurance, are just fabrications? This would come as news to, oh, pretty much every straight guy who's ever lived.
(that was @hmm)
haha i think carlos and i may be the same exact person relationship wise: first relationship got dragged on longer than necessary, SO kept saying they would try harder, staying optimistic and believing what the other person said until finally just cutting it off, and now just kinda being single but open to hook ups. crazy poo.
@liz. Like the oft observed quality of mechanics and their cars, doctors and their health, many project managers personal lives are a nightmare. Maybe the impetus for control and results that the job brings attract a type of person who has lacked that structure, control and sense of achievement in their upbringing. Certainly her rigidity in thinking, need to categorise, make snap judgements and deploy circumlocutory methods to achieve a desired result suggest she is reaching imto her grab-bag of PM tricks to try and manage her love life. She's probably attracted to these "men children" because they are impulsive, structureless, not ambitious - in other words all the things she fears most because they are familiar and therefore at some level comforting. She says she wants men who have their shit together yet doesn't pursue them, perhaps because she's not yet done proving to herself and these hapless men children that she's the ISO9000 time/quality/value queen.
Dude, that's a pretty expansive story you're weaving. She's only 26 years old. She's probably just three years out of college. How much association do you think she really has with a job title after so brief a time?
Add a Comment