Talking to Strangers: New York, NY
Hooksexup asks deeply personal questions to people we just met.
Liz, 26
What do you do for a living?
I'm a project manager in health care.
What's your relationship status?
I'm single, very single. I'm not actively trying to meet someone at all. I'm actively trying not to meet guys — I need to reset.
When you were actively dating, how did you meet people?
I have a horrible answer: I do improv and I met them all through improv. They were all just overgrown man-children — like what we find in New York everywhere, anywhere — but, you know.
You dated other improvisers?
Or their friends. Or their overgrown man-children friends who were bartenders or chefs. Sorry if they ever read this. Just Peter Pan syndrome out the ass.
What's the dealbreaker with the guy you just broke up with?
He broke up with me! But the dealbreaker was that it wasn't working and I do what I always do when it's not working: I pretend to be really high-maintenance. I'll be like "Why didn't you call me?!" when actually I really don't care. Then they say, "Oh, sorry," kind of back off, and disappear. I'm not really like this. I only do this if I don't like them. After we've been dating for a while and if it's not working — like the sex isn't working or I realize it's not meant to be or whatever — the easiest way to get out of it is to pretend I'm high-maintenance. I'm serious! It really works!
Can you give me a high-maintenance tactic?
I usually ask for more attention than I truly want. So this one guy — I didn't want to see him anymore. He's lovely, it was just wasn't going to work. I didn't want to be romantic with him. We had really wishy-washy plans one night and he called to say, "I'm not going to make it. I'm having dinner with friends." And I was just really passive-aggressive. Like, "You know what? Whatever," when I'm not really like that at all. I do this so they think, "This girl is just a little too much trouble," and it saves their ego, honestly. It's not a written-down tactic. I just realized this is always what I do. If I really like a guy and he wants to have dinner with his friends, I'm like, "Have fun!"
So what's the alternative you'd want to overgrown man-children?
Someone who's an adult and comfortable with himself. You have a real job and you make decent money and you have a decent apartment. Just have your motherfuckin' shit together. Or at least you want to be an adult, you're working towards being an adult. If they can't buy groceries for themselves and live with three other dudes in a disgusting apartment, no. The last guy I dated, he's never had a long relationship. And he's twenty-seven. And he's also a comedian and has self-confidence issues.
Is that a common trend among comedians?
Yes. Absolutely. And way more among men comedians than women. I mean, everyone has self-confidence issues, but men have more.
Conrado, 24
What do you do for a living?
I am an actor.
What's your relationship status?
I'm single. Relationships seem really difficult, especially at this point, given what I'm pursuing in my life. So being single seems to be right.
You said relationships are difficult. Is that from seeing your friends?
That comes from being a child of a broken family. That comes from seeing other relationships. I can't honestly think of one single happy marriage. All long-term relationships I know end in someone breaking up with the other person. I've never personally witnessed longevity in relationships. But I've actively dated since I was seventeen years old.
Is it you who typically ends things or is it them who typically ends things?
[laughs] It's often me planting reasons for them to end things. I'm often involved romantically with girls, often physically, but it's usually clear that my intentions aren't for longevity. So whatever happens just happens. Someone may move away. No one makes the effort to keep things going. I graduated from college a couple years ago and that was an easy way to end a lot of quasi-relationships. It's usually understood that my intentions are not to be anyone's boyfriend or to have a girlfriend. To be completely honest, there's only been one girl in my entire adult life who I've felt so strongly about that I've really wanted to possibly pursue something.
So what's so special about this girl that distinguishes her from everybody else?
She challenges me. I think that she's beautiful. I know that I enjoy being around her. I've liked her for a long time and it hasn't been very fruitful so it's probably also because it's a bit of a chase. Thinking about her makes me feel like I'm sixteen. I can see myself probably spending the rest of my life with her, but I don't want that right now. That sounds, like, so fucking big. But if someone said to me, "You have to choose today," it would be her.
Got any crazy hookup stories?
[pause] I had a girl push me into an unused entrance of a convent and pull my pants down and proceed.
Wow. What date was this?
This was after a couple weeks of being involved and enjoying each other's company.
Tianna, 23
What do you do for a living?
I work at a restaurant.
What's your relationship status?
I'm single. Single and looking. It's been difficult at times, just meeting people. I'm a weird person to be around sometimes. I don't really approach people ever. I've mostly been going to bars, and they're not good places to meet guys.
Do you have any bad bar stories?
A couple weeks ago we had three people come home with us and it was kind of a disaster. Way too many people in a house.
Was everyone paired off?
There were three of us females at the bar, and there were three of them, so one thing just led to another, but it was definitely not an orgy situation. It ended up very awkward in the morning. It was one of those things where if you're spending the night at someone's house and it's the first time — one-night stand, whatever — there's kind of of a grace period in the morning where you think, "Shit, I should probably get up and leave and go home and commence the rest of my day." You say your goodbyes. Well, it's three p.m. and one of them is still asleep in the bed and gets up and decides to take a shower. He was way too comfortable about crashing.
Was this your guy?
No, this was not my guy.
Did they all leave together?
No, they did not all leave together. One guy left at like, six a.m.
Did your guy follow up with you at all?
Yeah, we're friends on Facebook and we still talk and text. But he lives in Florida.
How would you grade him as a hookup?
I'd give him about a... B minus. Room for improvement. Talking while things are going on is a turn-off to me. If you're talking and trying to have a conversation, I can't get into it at all.
What was he trying to talk about?
He'd just ask me questions. I can't remember what exactly. I'm not a huge talker when it's going on. I'm not into "What do you want me to do to you?" Just do it. If I don't like it, I'll tell you to stop or move it somewhere else. But talking about it makes me uncomfortable and immediately makes me freeze up.
Do you have any other advice for guys? Pet peeves?
I've personally been in situations where guys just try to stick their fingers in my butt. Without asking! Not a huge fan of that. We'll be having sex and all of a sudden there'll be a finger in my butt.
Do they introduce it on sex-date one? Sex-date two?
Maybe date three? I was very uncomfortable. I was like deer-in-headlights "whoa." I just positioned my butt away and he got the hint right away. It was still very awkward for it to have happened. I also had an ex-boyfriend who was just way into butts, and there was a constant conversation with him to stay away from that area. We were dating for a long period of time, and he could take a joke about it, but I had to tell him it wasn't okay. He'd constantly try. He was very persistent. I think because of my background I have a pretty full rear end. So I tend to get guys who are very into the butt. But they should still ask! Maybe not on the first date, like, "What are your hobbies? Do you like it in the butt?" But if it's going down that road...
What about spanking? Is that okay?
Spanking's okay. Just don't insert anything.
Okay, no orifices without explicit consent. Aside from sex, any dating dealbreakers?
I'm pretty lenient on everything. I'm picky in that I have a certain type. I like chubby, bearded men. That's my thing. As shallow as it sounds, you can be a great person, but if you don't do it for me looking at you, then no. It's really important.
Comments ( 45 )
where is that wonderland of games? Q*bert? i need some Q*bert. i didn't even bother with the answers. just found myself wondering where to get more tokens.
I think it may be Barcade in Brooklyn.
njtout appears to be correct. Tis Barcade.
I want Ronen to train my left eyebrow!
On a more serious note, I absolutely second everything Ronen says in his answers to the last 3 questions. That is essentially what all the advice I ever give my friends boils down to.
Holy shit, Ronen was so great. Best one in a while.
Yes, he's on my Talking to Strangers all-star team
:)
Great insights, Ronen. I'm a man and I agree with everything you said, and I didn't figure that shit out until my 30s.
agree with Open, ronen you nailed it! wake the fuck up dudes! (joey included)
Brilliant, Ronen.
Ah, Liz,
You want to date an adult, but you're not big enough to do the difficult task of breaking up with people honestly, but rather pretend that you're a crazy passive-aggressive? Sounds like you have some growing up to do yourself.
Thank you! I was totally thinking this as I read that response. What horse-shit "sparing them their ego". Girl, please
Until you can wear your big girl pants, you can't emotionally connect with someone who has it together.
what she was saying was the she did it unintentionally. As in, upon reflection, she realized she had been sabotaging her relationships in this way. Which is actually a pretty mature thing to conclude.
does her credit, but her maturity is still in question when's she's making excuses about how "it saves their ego, honestly."
liz should date jay leno. they have at least one thing in common.
Yeah, the first-page girls come off pretty bad. Between the every-male-is-a-man-child-but-I-can't-break-up-like-a-grown-woman chick and the don't-talk-to-me-during-sex-but-how-dare-you-try-to-finger-my-butt-without-asking girl, I had to take a breather before continuing. Jennifer seems pretty interesting though... I'd save a few hyphens for her.
I was also really bothered by "Don't talk to me! Stop doing things without talking to me!"
Life is SO much simpler with partners who do not expect you to be telepathic.
I totally agree, noticed that as well. Talking is a GOOD thing.
Tianna needs to know that almost any guy who's really that into a particular woman is going to want to really be into her ass. It's really a compliment. But only if the guy's interested in pleasing her there with tongue as well as fingers and penis. And he needs to be willing to welcome her insertions in his own ass. It's only fair for a woman who's considering receiving anally to be able to say ''ok, but you can put into my ass only things that are the same size as what I can put into yours.'' And no, there's nothing gay about a guy receiving penetration from a woman.
Least attractive group in this series by far.
Why does that matter? I love series, but not for gawking at people's faces.
Dear Liz. You don't get to complain about people being man-children if you choose to play childish manipulative games to get rid of ones you don't like instead of being mature and forthright in your relationships with other people. Sincerely, Joe.
Exactly.
What's up with all the ink on these women? Total turnoff.
It's not the ink that bothers me so much, though I'm way past being interested in anyone's tattoos these days. . If Tianna turned up with that stainless steel snot-drip hanging from her nose and tried to serve me food, I would ask for another server. That's just gross.
Ha, thanks guys!
Congratulations, Ronen. You won this round.
What's immature about wanting to avoid hurting someone else's feelings? True, it doesn't give them a chance to re-examine themselves and hear what someone else considers to be flaws about them, so they don't have a chance to improve themselves (if they decide the complaints about them are valid). True, it probably disillusions them and makes them a little more misogynistic. But I don't see the childishness in convincing a significant other (if you care about them) that you're less than their gold standard of dating, instead of breaking it to them that it's the other way around.
What is better, telling a partner outright that they're not what you're looking for or actively playing mean-spirited head games to get them to break up with you? The latter was strikes me as cowardice, as an inability to accept responsibility and ownership for you own feelings. Now, I believe you can be honest with someone AND spare the harshest barbs (you're not attractive to me, I don't like your personality) provided you have a base level of sensitivity and tact, but you're better off doing that then acting deliberately unpleasant.
you are so mad
Agreed!
There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to spare people their feelings. That is what a mature person should always aim to do. But by never telling your partners why you broke up with them, you are sparing yourself the guilt of playing bad cop, sparing them the hurt and rejection they will feel but ultimately you are also sparing them the need to reflect on themselves and grow as people - which is exactly what Liz complains about, man-children.
Also, if you find your partners consistently feature similar characteristics, chances are you subconsciously seek them out.
Liz is a perfect example of female hypocrisy: she's bitching about her boyfriends being immature, but she can't express her own feelings to them by breaking up with them honestly.
Liz needs to be telling these guys to grow up, since they aren't going to figure it out on their own. She also needs to date older guys, by say 8 or 10 years to find what she wants.
Tickle your ass with a feather?
"Guys are just these insecurity machines that girls have to cater to." Uh, have you ever actually dated a woman? Totally bizarre to say it's GUYS who need to get used to how women "like sex and sleeping with multiple people", when most women I know are totally freaked out by the idea that their guy might conceivably want to sleep with someone other than them. I do like the idea that we have to earn the other person, as long as it goes both ways, gender-wise. Whatever bullshit men might pull, it's not as if there aren't a lot of women who think their job in a relationship is basically to show up, be pretty, and get whatever they want handed to them.
I guess he was talking about actual relationships, not the bullshit you've culled from network television.
So female insecurity/jealousy, and women's constant need for reassurance, are just fabrications? This would come as news to, oh, pretty much every straight guy who's ever lived.
(that was @hmm)
haha i think carlos and i may be the same exact person relationship wise: first relationship got dragged on longer than necessary, SO kept saying they would try harder, staying optimistic and believing what the other person said until finally just cutting it off, and now just kinda being single but open to hook ups. crazy poo.
@liz. Like the oft observed quality of mechanics and their cars, doctors and their health, many project managers personal lives are a nightmare. Maybe the impetus for control and results that the job brings attract a type of person who has lacked that structure, control and sense of achievement in their upbringing. Certainly her rigidity in thinking, need to categorise, make snap judgements and deploy circumlocutory methods to achieve a desired result suggest she is reaching imto her grab-bag of PM tricks to try and manage her love life. She's probably attracted to these "men children" because they are impulsive, structureless, not ambitious - in other words all the things she fears most because they are familiar and therefore at some level comforting. She says she wants men who have their shit together yet doesn't pursue them, perhaps because she's not yet done proving to herself and these hapless men children that she's the ISO9000 time/quality/value queen.
Dude, that's a pretty expansive story you're weaving. She's only 26 years old. She's probably just three years out of college. How much association do you think she really has with a job title after so brief a time?
VP of a bunch of PMs. That is on the money. Inputs and outputs.
OMG, I'm in love with Tianna. I am a Chubby bearded man!
This is a real improvement for the series. Well done, Hooksexup! I admit, I'm surprised. A hipster Williamsburg bar yielded insight and interesting people. Weirdness without a lot of affectation. Humans, not hipster clones, with human problems and vulnerabilities. I think Nancy Sun deserves a bit of applause.
Ronen is so full of shit. Brought a girl to orgasm by playing with her eyebrow? Bull!
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