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The Modern Materialist

5 Possible Weapons Hiding Out In Your Kitchen

Posted by Steph Auteri

  1. The cheese grater. Just the other day, I chopped off part of my nail on the damn thing while shredding Gruyere.
  2. The potato peeler. Just the other week, I chopped off the bulk of my nail and part of my finger with the damn thing.
  3. The butter knife. Just the other month, I sliced open my finger with the damn thing while slicing open pita bread.
  4. The oven. I'm scared of it.
  5. That large machete-like knife with all your blood on it:




Okay, so it's not really your blood. But the new Evidence knife from Fred & Friends is pretty damn convincing.

Related: Inventory I Lust After: Fred & Friends, Uncomb, Another Birthday Up in Smoke, Slicing Up the Pizza


+ DIGG + DEL.ICIO.US + REDDIT

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About Steph Auteri

Steph Auteri is a freelance writer and proofreader who has been published in Publishers Weekly, New York Press, Playgirl, and other bastions of fine writing. She maintains a professional site -- stephiswrite.com -- and also blogs about freelancing over at Freelancedom.com. You can keep up on her day-to-day by visiting her Twitter page, https://twitter.com/stephauteri.

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Alex Zalben is a writer living in New York City. He's written for McSweeney's, Modern Humorist and PulpSecret.com. As one-fifth of the sketch comedy group Elephant Larry, he has been written up in the New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and pretty much every other major publication. Their blog was named one of PC Magazine's Top Blogs for 2007, and they recently won an ECNY Award for their viral short, "Minesweeper: The Movie." Alex did not know love until he bought his first Mac.

Steph Auteri is a freelance writer and proofreader who has been published in Publishers Weekly, New York Press, Playgirl, and other bastions of fine writing. She maintains a professional site https://www.stephiswrite.com, and also blogs about freelancing over at Freelancedom. You can keep up on her day-to-day by visiting her Twitter page.

Diana Vilibert is a freelance writer, among other things. Born in Lithuania, she now lives in New Jersey, where she doesn't have to walk to work ten miles in the snow, barefoot, uphill both ways. Diana cannot afford most of the products she writes about because she buys too many pairs of heels to make up for her shoeless childhood. She's written for MarieClaire.com, Janemag.com, and CosmoGIRL!.

Shaun Seneviratne is a dude just like anyone else. Just your average guy that raps Bone Thugs-n-Harmony to strangers on the subway at 4 a.m., doesn't chew his food because he believes it's a waste of time, and sleeps next to a scale replica of the Ghostbusters headquarters. He can rest easy knowing Egon, Peter, Ray, and Winston have his back. He currently lives in northern New Jersey, plays bass in Rapid Cities, and recently started a tumblr.

Laureen Mahler is a writer and editor who lives in California, where the sun never sets and everyone rollerskates to work. She coedits Beeswax Magazine and spends the remainder of her time as a freelance writer and letterpresser. She truly believes that someday she will master the ultimate multitask of blogging while letterpressing, though that might mean that she'll need a second pair of arms.

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