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The Best Review of the Worst Movie Ever

Posted by Brian Fairbanks

 

So, apparently "Meet the Spartans," which expands to more theaters tomorrow, features a shaved-head Britney, a skanky Carmen Electra (sorry for the double negative), George Bush getting kicked in the balls, and dozens of offensive gay jokes, including one about taking the enemy from "the rear" in battle (hardy har har), and the longest closing credits in film history. The reviews have been brutal, scathing, and hopefully enough to drive the filmmakers to drink and ruin. 

But it was worth the film being released just to read some of these reviews. Ouch. 

Isn't it massive consumer fraud to charge $10.50 for a barely hour-long movie? Perhaps, but it would've been unforgivable to make Meet the Spartans any longer than an hour. This was the worst movie I've ever seen, so bad that I hesitate to label it a "movie" and thus reflect shame upon the entire medium of film.

 And that's not even the most brutal thing Slate has to say about the filmmakers. The reviewer all but calls them worse people than Saddham and Bin Laden:

They are not filmmakers. They are evildoers, charlatans, symbols of Western civilization's decline under the weight of too many pop culture references.

But perhaps the one that will screw with these fradusters' heads is the review from Cinema Blend, which includes this choice line:

There are funny movies and then there are Jason Friedberg/Aaron Seltzer movies.

The review then goes on to call the film "excruciating, asinine, nauseating, hateful, unbearable, predictable and downright crappy."


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Comments

toasted_edges said:

But, ultimately, it's movies like this which make huge profits. I've noticed that the average American (who pays those $10.50 prices) loves movies about idiotic people doing asinine things (e.g., "Dumb & Dumber", "Romy & Michelle", "Jackass", etc.) because they want to laugh at imaginary people lower down the IQ scale than they are.  If one can only laugh at cretins, what does that say about the average American's IQ and/or the American educational system?

January 31, 2008 4:11 PM

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January 31, 2008 4:45 PM

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January 31, 2008 6:25 PM

LydiaSarah said:

haha, Actually, have you read the Village Voice review of "300?" I don't often remember a specific movie review but that one was memorable--completely hilarious

What a shame that we have to have these stinkers making our spoofs. The genres they choose are so ripe for parody--horror movies, teen movies, uh, 300? I mean 300, for pity's sake, that movie practically spoofs itself. I could barely keep my inner Mystery Science Theatre robot from taking over when I was in the theatre seeing that one. What a waste of good material.

February 1, 2008 2:24 AM

Matt said:

For my money, the best review of the worst movie ever is still The Onion's review of Battlefield Earth.

www.avclub.com/.../3716

For example this choice quip:

"A good deal of its screen time is devoted to "man animals" and their supposed preference for eating raw rats, which may be a canny bit of psychology on the filmmakers' part. After all, eating raw rodents is one of the few activities that sound less appealing than watching Battlefield Earth."

February 1, 2008 4:14 AM

About Brian Fairbanks

Brian Fairbanks, the Senior National Political Correspondent for Hooksexup, is a filmmaker living in Brooklyn or New Orleans, depending on the season. He is a heavily-armed advocate of gun control.

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