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Reader Inspired Scanner Roundtable: Is Dating Dead (Or, Is Scanner Emily DOIN' IT RONG)?

Posted by Emily Farris


Yesterday, when reading through Scanner Brian's post about who should pay on a first date, one comment really struck a cord with me. FLA said:

"But what do I know--I've never properly dated anyone.  My typical first date has involved taco bell and oral sex--and I'm in my mid-thirties."

While I am both glad and sad to report that I haven't had a first date that involved Taco Bell since, maybe, high school (ohgodiwannamexianpizzasobad) my experiences have not been too far off from FLA's. Most people like a little social lubrication in the early stages of dating, and if that person is me, it is whiskey, and sometimes more than a little. This almost always ends in sloppy, awkward make outs, and sometimes, oral sex. If I'm lucky, there's also some dry humping involved.

I'm sure—as I have been complaining to my friends since the last guy I went out with blew me off after two "dates"—that it's just me, I'M DOIN' IT RONG'. But I don't even really know how to do it differently. From the beginning, my experience with boys was making out on the band bus or in his car or wherever we could find moments to have physical interaction. Even when I have been taken on nice dates, to nice restaurants, the post dinner drinks ultimately lead to the previously mentioned sloppy hook ups.

So, Scanner readers, I ask you, is dating dead?

I'm not even talking about chivalry—roses, opening doors, paying for dinner, that kind-of shit—I mean, can two people who really like each other go out more than once and have a good time and be nice to each other for an extended period of time without drunkenly hooking up and if so (or if not) do we need to?

Related:

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Posted Feb 24 2009, 12:33 PM
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Comments

Litmus said:

Em, my dearest, you should go on a couple alcohol free dates and see how they progress.  Then if the action is just as exciting you have a chance at a normal date relationship that might last longer than being dumped after the drunken excitement wanes. Plus you can avoid tomato juice with raw eggs for breakfast. Give it a try?

February 24, 2009 1:26 PM

Sarah said:

Dating is not dead. My husband and I dated. We met over the internet, as is common now, and met up for lunch one day. We had mexican food and then walked on the beach. The next day we did a movie and dinner. The sex only came later when I got tired of him being a gentleman when he clearly didn't want to be. Hahaha.

We even still date. Dinners, movies, theme parks, the beach.

More people need to drop the "social lubrication" and learn to be themselves... makes for way better relationships.

February 24, 2009 4:13 PM

Apollo said:

I've been wondering this exact same thing! At least half of my relationships in the past few years have started as drunken heavy petting and then moved on to the proper 'dates'. The problem arises with booze. Sarah^ says that you should drop the social lubrication and be yourself, but what if that's just what you do when you go out? I wouldn't go on a date with a girl and not drink. I recently went on a first date and we went and had sushi (read: sake!) and then we went to the bar. It was a Friday night. That's just what I do on Friday nights. That's me being myself. She's the same way. Plus it helps to smooth some of the awkward first-date wrinkles out of the sheets of the relationship.

February 24, 2009 4:35 PM

redraven said:

It's true. Dating is dead.

February 24, 2009 7:04 PM

maybeapril said:

Try being friends first. Then you can go on non-date dates. You know, hang out as friends. It's like a trick-into-dating date.

February 24, 2009 7:45 PM

swingbabyswing said:

I'm just so much cooler when I've had a couple of drinks. Then, once he knows how cool I am, I'm confident enough to be just as cool sober.

February 24, 2009 8:40 PM

Oatmeal said:

My winter of 2008 was one big mess of dinner dating that ended in drinks and getting blown off. It was a terrible cycle that I've only experienced in the MidWest.

Then I went on a DMV date (we both needed to get new licenses).  We bonded during the long wait, the rude employees, our bad ID photos...and have been dating for  almost a year.

Maybe you should try low key day time dating.

February 25, 2009 1:07 AM

singbaby said:

@swingbabyswing:

you are sooo right

February 25, 2009 1:21 AM

Julian said:

*sigh* You must not be the only one doing it 'rong. How come whenever I suggest oral sex on the first date, I always end up getting slapped? Damn it, I wanna meet some Hooksexup kinda women!!!

February 25, 2009 8:25 AM

thinkywritey said:

Yeah, sounds more like drinking problems than dating problems. Try thinking about other ways to "impress" someone than blowing him. You don't have that much to prove.

February 25, 2009 9:23 AM

jane said:

I think it depends on who you are and who he/she is. My boyfriend and I both got drunk and hooked up on the first "date", which was really just hanging out at his place.  I lived in another city at that point so we carried on a written correspondence for months in lieu of dating until I moved to be closer to him.  But of course I'd had plenty of drunken hookups before him that led to nothing.

I think you both just have to like each other enough to give it another go.

February 25, 2009 11:26 AM

About Emily Farris

Emily Farris writes about culture and food for numerous publications and websites you've probably never heard of, including her own blog eefers. Her first cookbook, "Casserole Crazy: Hot Stuff for Your Oven" was published in 2008. Emily recently escaped New York and now lives in a ridiculously large apartment in Kansas City, MO with her cat, but just one... so far.

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