This really ain't Michigan's week, is it? First, some dumbass ex-Mayor was arrested for having an extramarital affair in the middle of the street. Then, we made a mean joke about the Detroit Free Press and it's sex advice column, complete with a newspaper headline that says, "Detroit Blows." Now, comes word that Business Insider is further driving down the state's property values by including two MI cities on its list of the most depressing places in America.
Cheer up and enjoy this sprightly little list...
11. Stockton, CA. Stockton actually topped the recent Forbes list of the 10 worst places to live in the country, which is somehow different than "depressing." At that time, we commented: "The cost of living has skyrocketed here, thanks to a hipster influx from other Bay Area towns and cities. Why this hasn't translated into economic growth for Stockton is beyond us. Perhaps that major real estate crash two years ago has something to do with it-- Stockton led the country in foreclosures in 2007. Bonus: The band Pavement started out here." It turns out that they Mayor has the town in an uproar for trying to unload his condo/apartment with a short sale.
10. Flint, MI. Business Insider calls Michael Moore's favorite city "an impoverished, depressing dump." In the 20 years since Roger & Me, no one claims the city has improved its quality of life, so we're going to have to assume BI is right to include it here.
9. Wichita, KS. Apparently, the only city with worse dating opportunities for young people is Kansas City, Missouri. And even though one of the scariest serial murderers in history, the BTK Killer, has been brought to justice, a cloud of dread hangs over the city like so many horrific tornadoes of the past... or something.
8. Alpharetta, GA. What the hell is Alpharetta, GA? "Alpharetta, a suburb of Atlanta, is the bank-failure capital of the U.S. Three banks based in Alpharetta--NetBank, Integrity Bancshares and Alpha Bank & Trust--failed in just 13 months. That's more than any other single town in America." Oh, that Alpharetta, GA....
7. West Palm Beach, FL. Business Week claims there really isn't a terrible place to live in Florida, while we insist all of Florida is terrible. If you want to live somewhere warm, move to a tropical island-- most people in FL just end up the source of hilarious news for the rest of the country. Speaking of hilarious, check out this bizarro ad for a company called Condo Vultures Realty. It's apparently real.
6. Kokomo, IN is not the place The Beach Boys told you-- not by any means. It has a staggering 20% unemployment rate (wonder how much that rises when you factor in the "real unemployment rate" in this country, which is somewhere around 15% now) and is likely to go down with the Titanic that is the nation's auto industry. If you ever needed a reason to move to Indiana... well, you won't find it here.
5. Mahoning Valley, OH. Really, this one's all about Youngstown-- formerly a great steel and mining community, Youngstown is now almost as violent as New Orleans or Brooklyn when the subway stops running. Check this out: "Car bombings were so frequent that they became known as 'a Youngstown tuneup.'" Can an HBO series be far off?
4. Yuma, AZ. Sporting highs in the 60's and 70's all winter long, it's no wonder many Arizonians have winter homes there. Somehow this hasn't translated into year-round employment for the sleepy town, which has jobless numbers rivaling (and often topping) a little place called Kokomo. You wouldn't know it from the Wikipedia page, but Business Week claims this is the unemployment capital of the country. Ouch.
3. East St. Louis, IL. Jesus Christ, who the hell actually lives in East St. Louis these days? GET OUT.
2. Inland Empire, CA. David Lynch's favorite place on earth-- need you hear anymore? It's also responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- or, should we say, dumbassery is what's responsible for bringing down Lehman Brothers-- as they bought up a real estate company in the area shortly before the whole area's value dropped by an unfathomable 60%.
And #1... you knew it was coming, my Detroit friends, so let's get on with it:
1. Detroit, MI. Why is Detroit in such dire straits? Sure, the auto industry is all shot to hell these days (and probably permanently)-- but is that enough to make this the most depressing place in America? No, this figure is: "The average home price in Detroit is just $7,500 because no one wants to live there. The continuing catastrophe that is the US auto industry has reduced this onetime industrial behemoth to a nearly perfect picture of decrepitude. Last year when the murder rate dropped in the city, the mayor joked that the reason was that 'there is no one left to kill.'" The only thing wrong with this quote is the word "joked"-- everyone nodded knowingly when he said it. Then he went to jail for perjury... and it wasn't even big news because... no one cares about Detroit. Sorry, kids.
Via Business Insider.
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