That’s right ‘Grabbers. It’s another Juno post. This time though, Uncle John’s got a little something different than the usual praise or backlash piece. After much consideration, I have realized that writer Diablo Cody is not a real person.

I got to see Juno back at the tail end of November and liked it well enough. It is a cute movie, it knows it’s a cute movie and since being cute seems to be its chief ambition, I find it hard to heap either serious praise or scorn on it. At the time though, something about Juno seemed very familiar. Something about the overt nostalgia evoked by its suburban pastoral setting, its color palette, its costuming, twee soundtrack, and 80s pop culture references seemed to recall something very specific. Some person…

I present to you the theory that



Is in fact

 

Yes, Diablo Cody is actually Kevin Smith. Shocking I know and no doubt disturbing for those readers with a folder on their desktop labeled DCStripperPicsHAWT. But it’s true. The full theory is deep and riddled with evidence provided by the internet and coffee stained back issues of Entertainment Weekly but here are three bullet points to back up the claim:

1) Nobody Talks Like That – Kevin Smith’s fall from commercial and critical grace in the past eight years signaled the death of quirky-monologue-as-conversation in movies. This was a good thing. But Juno resurrects the insipid rat-a-tat dialogue stylings found in Clerks and Mallrats and cashes in Star Wars references for Thundercats and other flotsam from 1985. Nobody says, “Honest to blog.” Nobody says, “Try not to suck any more dicks on your way through the parking lot.” These things were written by the same person.

2) Nobody Likes Kevin Smith Anymore, Needed to Become Somebody Else – By the time Jersey Girl flopped, Smith had already overstayed his welcome in the average moviegoers mind. Clerks 2 wasn’t exactly the kind of success to bring them back into the theater either. In order to regain the buzz surrounding his early success, Smith needed to somehow become an indie breakout again. Creating a sexy new persona was just the ticket and it worked swimmingly.

3) Both Former Strippers

We’re through the looking glass now, dear reader.