Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
Anyone who knows me will tell you there are two things I love above all others: baseball and monkey movies. So it would only stand to reason that Ed, in which Friends doofus Matt LeBlanc befriends a baseball-playing chimpanzee, would be my favorite movie of all time. This turns out not to be the case. The filmmakers appear to know very little about baseball and even less about what makes a successful monkey movie. You may say to me, “Scott Von Doviak, you heartless, childless bastard! This is a movie for kids! Lay off!” I can only warn all my friends with young children: Do not show Ed to your kids. It will make them stupid and turn them into violent criminals. If you do show Ed to your kids, don’t tell me about it or I will be forced to call the Department of Social Services.
With the arguable exception of Jennifer Aniston, none of the ex-Friends have particularly distinguished themselves on the big screen, but no matter how low David Schwimmer may sink, you know he’ll never let LeBlanc live down Ed. He probably still drunk dials LeBlanc in the middle of the night and yells “Let me to talk to Ed! Roll over and wake him up for me, I need to talk to Ed!” At least, that’s what I’d do.
If you or I had the idea to make a movie about a baseball-playing chimp, isn’t it obvious how we’d start it? We’d have a couple of major league scouts taking a day off to visit the zoo. As they’re passing the monkey house, one of the chimps grabs a big ol’ fistful of feces and flings it into the face of one of the scouts. As he’s sputtering and wiping the globs of crap out of his eyes, the other scout says admiringly, “You gotta admit – he’s got a hell of an arm!”
But no. Director Bill Couturié, whose resume is otherwise stacked with war documentaries like Dear America: Letters Home from Vietnam, and screenwriter David Evans, who will be bringing you the forthcoming Ace Ventura Jr: Pet Detective, begin their movie with hayseed Jack Cooper (LeBlanc) attending an open minor league tryout and blowing away the scouts with his rocket arm. He’s soon suited up for the AA Santa Rosa Rockets, but his over-reliance on his poor curveball puts his new career in jeopardy. Manager Chubb (Jack Warden) gives Jack the task of babysitting the team’s new mascot Ed, a chimpanzee that once belonged to Mickey Mantle. Jack and Ed become best buddies, and soon the chimp is displaying his baseball prowess as the Rockets’ new third baseman.
It’s hard to choose a favorite moment. Jack and Ed sharing a hearty communal piss? Ed farting in bed? Ed stealing second base, then stealing the second baseman’s pants? What about the hilarious “trying on funny outfits” montage? The special guest appearance by Tommy Lasorda? Oh, I know! It has to be LeBlanc’s sly delivery of the line, “I’m gonna spank that monkey!”
As I was watching Ed, I assumed the chimp was actually a child in a monkey suit, but apparently Ed is an animatronic creation. Had the movie been made a few years after 1996, he no doubt would have been a full-on CGI critter, like Gollum but more flatulent. Attention, Hollywood: This does not mean I’m suggesting a remake.
Previously on Unwatchable:
59. Don’t Go in the Woods…Alone!
60. Carry On Columbus
61. Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie
62. Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie
63. Alone in the Dark