Our fearless – and quite possibly senseless – movie janitor is watching every movie on the IMDb Bottom 100 list. Join us now for another installment of Unwatchable.
What fresh hell of pre-teen pop culture is this? Oh, capricious Bottom 100 list, you have topped yourself this time, flinging me directly from the Power Rangers movie to yet another disposable kiddie cash-in of years gone by. I know even less about Yu-Gi-Oh than I do about the Power Rangers; I’m vaguely aware it was a collectible card game played in the back of the comic book shop, ala Magic: The Gathering. I only know this because my nephew was briefly obsessed with it a few years back, before discovering the more important things in life like girls and baseball. One brief Wikipedia refresher course later, I am armed with the knowledge that Yu-Gi-Oh began as Japanese manga before spawning several anime series, the aforementioned card game and this abomination, easily the least watchable of the Unwatchables so far.
I mean this. After twenty minutes, I was in agony. Each ensuing minute stretched into eternity. I couldn’t go on. I must go on. The integrity of the Unwatchable project was at stake. I pressed on and stuck with it to the bitter end, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST?
My grasp of the Yu-Gi-Oh back-story is tenuous at best, but here’s what I’ve gleaned: A young boy with funny hair named Yugi solved the ancient Egyptian Millennium Puzzle, and in doing so merged with a 3000-year-old Pharoah spirit. Yugi attempts to help the Pharoah recover his lost memories through the card game Duel Monsters. By the time the movie begins (apparently it follows after one or another of the anime series), Yugi is quite the dueling master, and his rival Kaiba is eager to unseat him.
So the movie is about..these two guys playing cards. There’s a subplot involving the Pyramid of Light and some mummies and whatnot, but for the bulk of the running time, I shit you not, we’re watching an infomercial for the card game. And what a dorky card game it is. Here is a sample of dialogue: “I activate the magic card Monsters Reborn to bring them back. And play Ultimate Offering! Now for every 500 life points I give up I can summon one additional monster and by sacrificing my two Gemini Elf, this final monster will be quite a powerful one!” It goes on and on like this. It’s like being at a party and getting trapped in the kitchen by a hulking nerdlinger who insists on regaling you with a summary of every single episode of Babylon 5. (Yes, this has happened to me.)
I tried to imagine a younger version of me enjoying this nonsense. I mean, I had quite a nonsense tolerance in my day (and apparently I still do), but I simply could not conceive of any possible scenario whereby Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie would be considered acceptable entertainment. Given that it was made in 2004 and the Pixar revolution was already in full swing, it’s astounding how godawful the animation is. There are episodes of He-Man from 1983 that are more artistically accomplished.
I feel I’m failing to convey the full measure of the horrors of Yu-Gi-Oh!: The Movie, so I challenge you to sit through this clip. I think you will gain a newfound respect for my lonely quest.
Previously on Unwatchable:
62. Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie
63. Alone in the Dark
64. Angels’ Brigade
65. Meet the Browns
66. Jail Bait