The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Palin camp may get SNL time to respond to Fey sketches. Wahlberg camp still mum on their demands. Plus: Dexter, Brothers and Sisters and Gwen Ifill reacts to Queen Latifah.
1. Chas, studied human kinetics
We met at a bar in Detroit. We knew a lot of the same people. We left to go to another party in a bad part of the city. He seemed fearless, until two black guys started to kick cans at his ankles while he was trying to open the door of his car. He said to me, "For fuck sakes, get the fuck in the fucking car!" My sister picked me up at his parents' house before sunrise. * / ^ {
KEY TO SYMBOLS
& we did it
* we just made out
0 nothing happened
OOO he had three nipples
= we only slept together, like babies.
+ it was great
____/ we woke up on the lounge chairs surrounded by families eating buffet
['='] he fought robots for a living
^ it was okay
- it was bad
(((()))) he lived in a tiny space ship for four days, with cutouts for his legs
? weird things happened
??? I can't remember the specifics
/ I was drunk
_ I was wasted
".." he had real horns
( __ ) I can't remember his name
(----) I remember his name but am not telling you
``` he cried
} he called me
{ he didn't call
%) I drew clown cheeks on my brother's girlfriend's face, with lipstick, after she passed out
(*) I gave my date a hickie on his forehead while he slept
~ he passed out sucking on my pinkie
: O he told me he sees spirits who write things on the wall, like, "Oh my soul!"
O I left just after the sun came up
@? he wrote me a letter with a lot of spelling and grammar errors
:< I was so embarrased for him, I couldn't respond
$$$ he left a lot of money (American), on the nightstand of a Mexican hotel room
!! I was shocked and hurt at first
% but then I split it with my friend
2. The janitor
He told me he was in marketing for a large whiskey company with a famous billboard the size of an airplane facing the river. He borrowed his dad's Cadillac for what was to be my first real date. After giving in and letting me drive, he reached into the glove compartment for a mickey of peach schnapps. He put his tongue in my ear at all the red lights. I did a good job parking the car at the mall. I also practised driving backwards, both fast and slow. When I hadn't heard from him, I called the marketing department at the whiskey company and they put me in touch with plant maintenance. I said, hello, it's me, and he hung up. * / ~
3. The Okie
I met him at a cheesy bar in Acapulco when I was seventeen. He looked a lot like my boyfriend back home. I kept saying that over and over again, until he said, "Yeah, but I bet your boyfriend don't got an extra one of these." ____/ OOO & ^
4. Greek waiter at The Steakhouse
Eight of us were celebrating a friend's birthday. After steaks, we moved to the lounge for more drinks. Our waiter joined us when he got off his shift. He told me he got married when he was eighteen. I told him too bad because he could've been an actor on soap operas. If his English had been better. / + ( __ ) {
5. Peter, philosophy major, Third House Frat.
All through university he had a perfect girlfriend who wore black leggings before they were "in". She wasn't nice, but she wasn't not nice. She got a scholarship to study French in France and was gone for a total of four months. Peter and I started to go down to the cafeteria together. That turned into going down to the pub together, then, this one Thursday after a "Crush Night" dance, back to his room. He put on Lou Reed records and asked me to hold him super tight, and not to laugh while doing it. ``` = { -
6. Todd, Peter's best friend.
Todd was unattractive. I was only with him to get back at Paul. Todd was studying political science and had become a committed Marxist. He kept his dorm room barren. Everyone said it was for the attention because his parents were rich. He joined the Peace Corps. Before he left, he said he'd definitely remember me when he was out in the middle of nowhere, battling black flies. Then he said, no, wait, that didn't come out right. &&&& (we were nineteen) ++++ }}}} (yeesh)
7. This Aussie who broke into my trailer.
I was working as a waitress at a northern resort when I met him. He took me out; he drove me nuts; his accent was thick, so I I left. (Stop singing the song for this part.) I woke up in the middle of the night to him straddling me. He had a jug of Red Robin Red Wine and was yelling, "Lits git a paddy goring!" He broke into my trailer with my own keys, which I had forgotten, which reminded me how I needed to be more careful. & _ + ? ??? { ( __ )
8. Murn
He was from Romania and jumped out of airplanes and into fires for his job. He was twenty years older than me and had wrinkles under his bum like a Sharpei. He smoked naked while talking about dying. He made me a paper airplane, lit it on fire and sailed it across the room, saying, "That is going to be me one day." & / + :<
9. Famous American
I was in Los Angeles for a conference four long days. The only person I knew was this famous guy, who a friend of mine once dated. He always said, any time you're in LA, you should call. So I did. We met on Sunset, and everybody looked at us as we walked into a restaurant. He ordered a lot of oysters and talked about his work. Because of the new smoking laws, we had to take turns going outside for a cigarette, which I was sad about because a lot of people who were walking by missed seeing me with this famous guy. = ___ - ```(----) {
promotion
10. Burning Man, 1997
In the middle of a wind storm this really cute guy and I climbed the highest scaffolding. The wind storm switched to a lightening storm and this guy began to twist a piece of tin foil into a fat stick. He held it aloft because he wanted to see what it would be like to get struck by lightning. I peed my pants a little while scrambling down fast. He scared me, so I couldn't sleep with him. (((()))) ['='] ".." _ & = + ? ??? / (___) (-----) {}
11. Claude from Quebec City
I speak Spanish. So does my friend Lori. Years ago, we went to Ilsa Mujeres. We met these Canadians and pretended we didn't speak English. Some guy offered to sell us some ecstasy. No one but me had cash, so I bought four tablets after the Canadians promised they would pay us in the morning. I must have quoted what they owed me in pesos, totally by accident. &_____ + ??? $$$ !! %
12. Louis, my high school sweetheart
We never had sex in grades nine and ten. Either he was too scared, or I was too scared, but our timing was off. After I got hit in the face by a hockey puck, he stopped calling. I ran into him in the hallways at school and asked him if he still loved me. He said, "Thing is, your face freaks me out." Last winter, home for a spell, I looked him up. We had dinner. He's divorced, and his bum is bigger than mine. His daughter, nine, changed her nail polish three times a day. He was worried the fumes were getting to him. & - / :O O
13. My younger brother
Both of us came home for our older brother's wedding, bringing out-of-town dates, people we'd just met. We rented adjoining motel rooms and stocked them with booze and pot for the after-party. His date really hit if off with my date, both of them passing out in my bed. She was so weirdly solid, we couldn't even budge her, so I had to sleep with my brother. 0 = %) (*) _n°
Lisa Gabriele is the author of Tempting Faith DiNapoli. Her second novel, The Almost Archer Sisters, will be published in the fall 2008. She lives in Toronto.
