Desperate Housewife: The Early Years
9/27/2007 3:57:18 PM
So, I happened upon a little Lifetime flick called Mimi’s First Time. It’s from 2006, playing on Lifetime, yet starring Alec Baldwin, Carrie-Anne Moss, Jeff Goldblum, and Luke Wilson.
Ok, none of those people are terribly surprising…except…Luke Wilson? Holy God. How the mighty have fallen.
The movie follows a young teenage psychotic slut (the best kind) who starts sleeping with her step-father, Alec Baldwin. Craziness and Jeff Goldblum ensue…
It was so awful, it made me want more more more.
I got to thinking: what other Lifetime gems are lost forever to the general public?
I’m not sure if this early Teri Hatcher flick was ever on Lifetime, but the soundtrack sure fits…my God, her breasts were perky back in the day. From 1994’s The Cool Surface:
With a young, non-bloated Alec Baldwin and a nice white bra in Heaven’s Prisoners:
—N.A.
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Afternoon Steve ’n’ Steve Break
9/27/2007 3:34:00 PM
Ah, to be in the middle of a Stephen Colbert-Steve Carrell sandwich.
On second thought, I’d rather just watch this little skit, wherein the two Steves play waiters who are disgusted by the mere thought of food. …Though Stephen does look sexy without his eyeglasses… —N.A.
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Speaking of Iron Man: The Sex Life of Robots
9/27/2007 1:40:15 PM
Wired gets its tech perv on with a preview of filmmaker Michael Sullivan’s animated Sex Life of Robots. Check out the kinky teaser HERE. The film centers “around a robot baby and his mother scanning their home computer for porn. It shows -- in graphic detail -- the scenes of robot coitus that pop up on their screen. ‘It's supposed to be like a silent robot porno movie from another planet,’ Sullivan explains.”
It’s delightfully kinky, industrially dirty…and features a sex toy I don’t think any human’s had a chance to try: the alligator horse. Sullivan speaks about animation, robo-porn, and Debbie Harry here. —N.A.
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Iron Man!
9/27/2007 12:26:17 PM
I like that Hollywood is so bereft of new ideas that they've resorted to turning every crappy comic book that I read as a kid into a 200 million dollar movie. No, seriously, I do like this. But why are they doing it now? As a nerdy thirteen year-old, I would have paid up to a hundred dollars for a ticket to see "Spiderman," "The X-Men," "Batman," and now... "Iron Man" in the theaters. But the movies didn't exist yet. I couldn't watch them. ...So sad!
Anyway, here's the trailer for the upcoming "Iron Man" movie. I'm liking the casting of Robert Downey, Jr. here, for two reasons. One: Robert Downey, Jr. is totally awesome and an awesome actor, for real. And two: the whole point of Iron Man was that his alter-ego, Tony Stark, was a total pompous asshole/alcoholic/drug addict. Robert does a good job conveying the asshole-ishness in this preview, and as for the drugs and alcohol, well, you know...
...And below, as a bonus, are some exquisitely bad "Iron Man" cartoons from the 1960s. By the way, my only major problem with Iron Man was that he was one of those superheroes who invented things, like Batman or Green Arrow. ...This often led to lines of dialogue like, "Good thing this Shrinko-Ray that I invented will allow me to shrink to a size small enough to escape this trap!" Or, "Good thing this Deux-Ex-Machina-Ray that I invented will allow me to escape whatever problem it is that I'm facing now!" ...Even as a kid, I always loved it when cartoon characters would talk out loud to themselves for no reason like this. In fact, look for me to start doing this in my own life, very soon. Examples: "Now that I've swallowed this burrito, good thing my small intestine will allow me to digest it, thereby saving me from death!" Or: "Good thing my parallel-parking skills will enable me to not leave my car sitting in the middle of the street!" ...And so on.
ANY-way, here's the 1960s cartoon, with all its crappy expository dialogue. Good thing your right index finger will enable you to click to a different web-page if you want, thereby saving you from watching them!
Iron Man (1966) -- "The Crimson Dynamo" (part one):
Iron Man (1966) -- "The Crimson Dynamo" (part two):
--Oliver
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Pornalysis: Vanessa Lane
9/26/2007 12:26:51 PM
Is there such a thing as being too limber, sex-wise? Maybe. And this porn clip from YouPorn.com definitely maybe probably possibly brushes up against that line. Or maybe it just stomps all over that line and then pukes on it; I'm not even sure.
...However, the excessive limber-y yoga-ness of the above clip is completely redeemed by Vanessa Lane's also excessive use of dirty-talk. As readers of my previous blog for Hooksexup may remember, I am a big fan of dirty-talk in all its permutations. Even though I kind of suck at doing it myself. Unfortunately, I used up all of my funny, vaguely funny, and not really very funny stories about dirty-talk in my previous blog for Hooksexup. So I won't be sharing any of those stories with you here today. Oh well. Sad!
Anyway. Just watch the porn, already.
--Oliver
coming tomororow: Errmmm... more porn? A video essay about "On the Road"? My best friend's season preview for "Lost"? I'm not really sure yet.
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Morning Ego: Kanye
9/26/2007 9:00:14 AM
Dlisted posted this Best Week Ever find -- Kanye West backstage at The Wendy Williams Experience, declaring himself the "Number One Human Being" in music today. More like the "Number One Crybaby." Holy crap! His ego is getting bigger than Timberlake's.
Kanye and Terrence "women should wipe their va-jay-jays with Baby Wipes" Howard should be BFF. They've both got huge egos without the talent to match! They can make videos together so we can all point and laugh.
--JGH
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Morning Cute Animal Fix: Mick, the Albino Polar Bear
9/26/2007 8:52:51 AM
I have no idea why Reuters considers adorable fuzzy animals newsworthy, but if it provides me with this cuteness, I'll take it!
Apparently, white koalas are the rarest of the rare! They're not even saying where he was found so poachers won't get any ideas. Who could kill this lovable ball of fluff?!?
-JGH
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Yes, it's that iPod Nano Commerical Song...
9/26/2007 8:19:19 AM
...Sorry, but I just happen to plain like this song. I've seen the commerical clip of it 24,000 times while trying to watch Family Guy. I'd love to claim that I had coolly heard of this song/band before the iPod commercial, but that would be a -- ...How do you say? ...Ah yes! -- a lie.
Anyway, here's the video. The song put me in a good mood this morning when I had to wake up early and study for school. Plus, I also just plain like the video, which was shot in one take, which is nice. ...And I think I'm falling in love with the singer girl. But that's fairly predictable. I'll pretty much fall in love with any cute Canadian-alterna-singing-girl, given my tastes...
Feist -- "1 2 3 4":
...And here's a...
...Special bonus video featuring the Canadian singer girl that I am now fully in love with. Plus, the video features flying toast! Super-sweet.
Feist -- "Mushaboom"*:
(*Fun fact about this video: my future wife the Canadian singer girl was offered one million dollars for this song by McDonald's, because they wanted to use it for a commercial. She said no, of course...**)
(**Fun fact about me: I would do anything for a million dollars, up to and including actual bank robberies and/or arson. For a million dollars, I would stuff unlimited numbers of McDonald's hamburgers directly up my butt. Maybe I should just stop talking now...)
--Oliver
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The Sarah Silverman Program: Abortion Montage
9/25/2007 2:01:53 PM
Nobody does a fond abortion retrospective like Sarah Silverman... —N.A.
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Shit!
9/25/2007 1:58:11 PM
I couldn't think of anything to write about today! Fuck, fuck, fuck, why I do suck so bad? There I was, staring at porn, trying to write about that for today's column, but it was the early morning and I was staring at porn that I didn't feel like watching, and then I was like, "Bleeagh, I feel nausous!"
God, I suck. But I still get paid for doing this. In fact, I could just write a string of curse words here and get paid for that. Cunt cock jism fuck shit damn asshole... um, shit? Did you know that there are only about five curse words that I can think of? Did you know that I had to go look up the spelling of "jism"? I thought it had two "i"s in it. I really did. ...Which reminds me of the time that that I spelled the world "visit" wrong in a third grade spelling bee: see, I spelled it with only one "i" -- like this, "vist" -- but the teacher said I was right, so I spelled it that way for the next twenty years, and it still looks wrong to me with two "i"s, and...
OH. WHOOPS. BORING STORY. NEVER MIND.
ANY-way, here's the comedian and poet Sarah Silverman, talking about Martin Luther King, Jr.... and dreams. This is for the benefit of my friend Tiffany, who's never seen this clip before. Better blog tomorrow, promise!
--Oliver
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