Who’s Your Popozao?
10/17/2007 6:17:22 PM
It was a sad day when a judge ruled that Kevin Federline is a better parent than Britney Spears. (So many things are wrong with that statement alone.) In this Super Deluxe video, K-Fed needs some nanny help, so of course he hires Mrs. Britfire. Yes, the resemblance between Mrs. Britfire and Mrs. Doubtfire is remarkable, but I think the inspiration here is more the underrepresented Mrs. Featherbottom from Arrested Development. It looks like Britney took a page from Tobias’s, oops, Mrs. Featherbottom’s Childcare for Dummies book.
— Liz Nadybal
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The Joy of Sex
10/17/2007 1:56:42 PM
...I have the flu, and I can't bring myself to write anything funny today. So for the first and only time, I'm gonna "borrow" someone else's work. So here's some writing by David Hart, who will hopefully forgive for re-posting his piece, so long as I provide a link to his blog. If he doesn't forgive me, then I'll just take it down.
The 1970s 'Joy of Sex' Beard Guy Writes His Online Dating Profile
by David Hart
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Login: goodlovin72
Tagline: “Embrace Your Sexuality, Baby”
Name: Derek Sebastiano
Age: Ain’t nothing but a number, woman
Location: The Celestial Plane of Ecstasy
Status: Consensual polyamorous relationship
Hobbies: Beard care, sensual oil body massage, yoga, shopping for robes
If I could be anywhere right now...
With you on the waterbed in the back of my van, parked on the beach with the gentle thrashing of the tide mixing with Barry White from my 8-track while I delicately pour candle wax on your backside.
Favorite books:
The Kama Sutra, and anything by Carlos Castenada.
A little about me:
An air sign with an aura of aquamarine. Often found in my mountaintop cabin, a warm fire and a uncorked bottle of homebrewed lager beside me, a skylight dappled with starlight above me, and a bearskin rug with velvet pillows beneath my bare buns. Care to join me for a nightcap?
When you enter my room you’ll see:
A hand-painted mandala of the sexual chakra, a red lava lamp, quartz crystals, oils and candles as needed, and the sweet aroma of sandalwood. And perhaps, if you’re lucky, you’ll witness the erotic poses of passionate lovemaking. Feel free to join, or just watch the show, but audience participation is encouraged.
A little about what I’m looking for:
A liberated woman with a fiery soul bubbling a cauldron of sweet molten chocolate to produce our love fondue. Hair everywhere is no care. Sisters of all size, shape, and color welcome—only a spirit to groove is required for this ride, baby.
Drugs:
Pills and tasty smoke are always welcome, but keep the horse in the stable. An occasional sniff at a key party will do to set the mood.
Children:
None that I know of!
Herpes:
Occasionally.
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--Oliver
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Colbert for President?
10/17/2007 1:09:16 PM
On last night’s Daily Show, Stephen Colbert announced that he’s officially considering whether or not to announce that he’s running for president…of South Carolina. Of course, he declared that he needed to make this decision on a more prestigious show, so that announcement happened 15 minutes later on the Colbert Report. This grandson of a goat ball licker wants to run for president of his home state.
If you’re not a resident of South Carolina, can you still vote for Colbert?
— Liz Nadybal
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Hellraiser Remake: Why the Hell Not?
10/17/2007 11:31:53 AM
Dimension, apparently encouraged by Rob Zombie’s remake of Halloween, is now eyeing a (pre-writer’s-strike) remake of Hellraiser.
I remember watching Hellraiser movies during slumber parties as a kid…I just don’t remember it being this cheesy. Though Pinhead still creeps me the hell out…Also amazing: the original was released in 1987. That’s 20 years ago, dudes. One can only imagine the special FX to come…
As the Hollywood Reporter summarizes: "Hellraiser" told the story of an unfaithful wife who attempts to assist her dead lover in his escape from hell. The movie introduced viewers to a race of demons called Cenobites, most notably one nicknamed Pinhead -- who became one of the most enduring horror characters of the decade -- who was summoned using an antique puzzle box.
Ah, now the race to see who plays Pinhead. Dane Cook, anyone?
–N.A.
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Speeding: No One Thinks Big of You. Or Your Dick.
10/17/2007 11:17:55 AM
If only U.S. public service announcements featured old women on park benches, commenting on the size of young men’s dicks. Thank God for Australia. In an effort to combat speeding by young dudes (or “hoons” as they apparently say down under), the government started this highly successful campaign featuring hot women crooking their little fingers at men in fast cars.
Hot women, and one grandma. I bet she’s seen a lot of hoons in her day…–N.A.
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Keeping Up with the Kardashians: This Explains A Lot
10/16/2007 4:08:56 PM
It seems that every other new reality show these days makes me (and many other bloggers, and my mother) question if the End Times are Nigh. While the premiere episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians didn’t exactly make me fear the Apocalypse…watching Kim Kardashian’s younger sisters—and by younger, I mean nine and eleven years old—jump on a stripper pole and then mix drinks at their parents’ anniversary party—explained a lot about how Kim ended up with that naughty sex tape. And about Brody Jenner. And Hollywood in general...Maybe the Apocalypse is near…but we’ll all keep watching, won’t we?
Most riveting moment: when younger sister Kourtney’s douchebag boyfriend needlessly insults her and her $5000 hair extensions during a romantic dinner. Whose sex tape do we get to see on YouPorn next?
–N.A.
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This Is Just Totally, Totally Highbrow
10/16/2007 2:32:20 PM
My friend Rachel’s older brother would always barge in on our ninth-grade slumber parties and regale us girls with tales of animal torture, sex, and lighting farts on fire…I was never sure boys really did that (the lighting farts on fire part, I mean). Until now. Here’s a sexy, sexy specimen of humanity…Would you let him light your candles, kids? –N.A.
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Yoga in the Fab Lane: Rich People Yoga is Waaaaay Different
10/16/2007 10:36:29 AM
I’ve been flat-on-my-back sick for the last three days, and consequently OD’d on Vitamin C and reality TV. Kimora Lee Simmon’s Life in the Fab Lane is my new love-hate relationship. Reasons to love: she’s gorgeous, crazy, and uses the made-up word “fabulosity” way too much. Reasons to despair: you’re basically watching a prep course in how to create the perfect environment to give your daughters eating disorders. But still, we love. Just…stop asking your kids if you’re fat, mommy.
Here Kimora's “lifestyle guru” puts Kimora’s head between his legs…and then has her do the Superman. I need his job, man. –N.A.
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People Getting Punched Just Before Eating
10/16/2007 10:10:19 AM
Andy Samberg can do no wrong with his SNL digital shorts. His latest one revolves around the “food punch.” Andy punches anyone about to take a bite including Dave Grohl, Taylor Hawkins, and Jon Bon Jovi. Really, Bon Jovi could use a punch to the face.
On a more personal note, I think Andy may have also punched me Saturday night. I woke up Sunday morning with a fat lip and no recollection of the night before. I probably tried to eat a slice of pizza, and Andy jumped out of the bushes to sock me in the lip.
— Liz Nadybal
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Primer (2004)
10/14/2007 11:05:04 PM
"How many times would it take, before he got it right? Three? Four? Twenty? I've decided to believe that only one more would have done it. I can almost sleep at night, if there's only one more. ...He took from his surroundings what was needed, and made of it something more. And once the details had been successfully navigated, there was nothing more."
...Arguably one of the best science-fiction films of all time, the movie Primer was written, directed, and produced by Shane Carruth, who also stars as the character of "Aaron." He also composed the music and shot the entire film for a ridiculously cheap $7,000.
Though it's a science-fiction film, Primer features no special effects, no laser beams, no spaceships or talking robots. Still, it's one of the most haunting cinematic experiences I've had in years.
And you don't have to take my word for it. Right below is the entire 78 minute film, courtesy of Google Video. And below the movie itself are assorted teasers, interviews, and also a link to the film in larger format.
...So here's Primer. Enjoy.
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Here's a link to the film in larger format on Google Video.
Here's an interview with the writer/director. (Warning! Contains spoilers!)
Here's Wikipedia's discussion of the film. (Warning! Contains spoilers and a full plot summary!)
And here's a teaser for the film, from The Village Voice:
In a garage deep in the Dallas suburbs, four guys in corporate-drag white shirt and tie tinker away on a variety of science projects, hoping eventually to win financial reprieve from their day jobs. Aaron (Carruth) and Abe (a superbly antsy David Sullivan) break away from their pals to work covertly on a—well, it's hard to say what exactly, but they call it "the box," and it seems to involve an old catalytic converter and refrigerator copper tubing. Put a Weeble in it, and fungal proteins breed at an accelerated rate. Put a watch in it, and really inexplicable things start to happen. Before long, Abe and Aaron are talking about building a box big enough to get into . . .
At once clinical and lyrical, practically compactor-pressed at a mere 78 minutes, Primer exists in a haze of naturalistic confusion. Fitting for a film about the limits of knowledge, it doubles as an experiment in narrative inference. Scenes begin and end in medias res. Meaning is elided, occluded, or embedded in texture and ambience. The overlapping dialogue, a rush of lab-speak gobbledygook that at times resolves into a sort of techie poetry, suggests David Foster Wallace rewriting David Mamet...
--Oliver
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