In Which I Solve All the Problems Facing This Nation... (Part 1)
10/26/2007 5:35:00 PM
...From time to time, I read The Blog Report on Salon.com. I never watch the news, and so it gives me a quick mini-bite of what people on both sides, the left and the right, are arguing about. Mostly, I read it to see the conservative blogs, and to get all riled up, and then I go and leave angry comments on the conservative blogs. (Did you see what they said today? Democrats were called "weak-kneed appeasers" for opposing a pre-emptive war against Iran. Shocking!)
My best friend Tiffany does the same thing, except more so; she watches Fox News for two hours every night, so that she can get angry, and scream at the TV; "What the hell is wrong with you?"; "How can you say that?"; "How can you lie like that?" It seems to make her happy.
Today, I logged onto the conservative blog Liberty Pundit. I had already left angry comments there before, and I was pissed off because today they called liberals "liars" and "far left wackos" who were "foaming at the mouth." This, because some Democrats in Congress favored impeaching Vice President Dick Cheney. And I was going to leave a comment that went something like:
Oh yeah? What the fuck? I mean, what the fucking fuck. What does Cheney have to do to convince you guys that he's awful? Move from 72% to 80% disapproval ratings? Lie some more about supporting torture? Start World War III in the Middle East? You brain-dead morons. How dare anyone who has supported the Bush Administration call anyone else a "liar." How do you find the gall? ...How ...do you find... the fucking gall?
Here are the two comments that I left instead:
Oliver Says:
I can no longer deal with the way that blogs talk about Democrats and Republicans as though we’re entirely different species of human beings. “Far left wackos,” “nutroot base.” Enough. How about you don’t call liberals names and we don’t call conservatives names and then we can actually talk about, you know, the issues.
George Saunders, in his current book (https://www.amazon.com/Braindead-Megaphone-George-Saunders/dp/159448256X) talks about how the current terms of discourse make it impossible for either side to talk to one another. ...One day, we’re going to have to start talking to each other. This complete polarization can’t go on forever, and if it does, it’s going to mean really bad things.
November 7th, 2007 at 12:33 pm
Oliver Says:
...And in order for there to be an end to this polarization, someone is going to have to suck it up. Yeah, it’s fun and easy to bash each other all the time, and yeah, writing something that’s polite and rational leaves you wide-open to just getting bashed by some a**hole who hasn’t yet decided to be polite. But it has to happen. We have to make a conscious decision to stop insulting each other all the time, even when we feel insulted.
November 7th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
***
Enough. E-fucking-nough. I am tired of this shit. You don't like George W. Bush, I don't like George W. Bush, your mother and brother and sister doesn't like George W. Bush. I get it. Truly, I do.
But some people do like George Bush. And you know what? There are actual valid reasons for liking George Bush. And we have to start understanding what they are.
Everyone bitches about Fox News, and how mean conservatives are, and how they're crazy, and blah blah. But here are couple of comments, taken pretty much at random, from the liberal blogs on Salon.com:
"...W is so stupid he makes his a-hole father seem like he was a great president."
"...A vote for Bushit is a vote for mass murder."
"...I shit upon the thought of this little coward who hid behind bars & skirts while "playing" fighter pilot and snorting his lines of coke."
"...This is this is what you get when you allow psychopaths into the White House."
"...after all [Bush] is a moron without curiosity or the resources necessary for self-examination and doubt"
"...Meanwhile, the major standard bearers of the GOP-Brand nationwide continue to go about the country trying to see who hates Mexicans or Muslims more than they hate the vacant womb."
"...Rudy Guilaini is launching a whole campaign in the South emphasizing how he loves the idea of sticking broom handles up an immigrant's ass."
"...The NOXIOUS WEEDS that spring to life within The Bush Crime Family have been given an authoritative airing by Craig Unger in his exhaustive study and chilling look at the innards, the guts of The Bush Crime Family, whom Unger has euphemistically referred to as "The House of Bush." I much prefer THE HOUSE OF DRACULA myself, for Dracula and his kind only SUCK BLOOD, while CHIMPya and his Bushland Uber Allies cohorts suck at the middle-leg teat of such characters like Jeff Gannon/Guckert! AROINT THEE WITCH, THE RUMP-FED RONYON CRIED!!!!!"
Okay, we got it. You really don't like George W. Bush. But you know what? This is getting us nowhere.
***
In the book "The Braindead Megaphone," George Saunders explains how the terms of a discussion end up defining what actually gets talked about. When he appeared as a guest on the Colbert Report, Saunders provided the following analogy (which I'm going to paraphrase):
1) Say, for example, that you're going out for ice cream with your friend.
2) In this hypothesis, you like chocolate and your friend likes vanilla.
3) You order chocolate.
4) Before your friend orders his ice cream, you turn to him and say, "So what're you going to order? WAIT, DON'T TELL ME. Vanilla, again, am I right? Yeah, typical. That's just the typical kind of thing that you and your kind would order. Jesus Christ, I am so sick of this sort of thing. NATURALLY, you would order the blandest, the least exciting kind of ice cream possible. That's all you and YOUR KIND EVER DO. Vanilla. So tell me, Mr. Vanilla-lover. Just what is it that you love so much about the must boring of all the ice creams anyway? Just what is it? Huh? Huh?"
5) At this point, your friend now has a couple of options.
6) He can punch you in the face.
7) He can say, "Fuck you!"
8) He can say, "Yeah, well, chocolate ice cream fucking sucks, you fucking asshole."
9) But note that the odds of your friend being able to respond intelligently and rationally to your question about ice cream are now very low. Because you have set the terms of the argument in a certain way.
...Or you can turn to you friend and say, in a normal tone of voice. "Hey, what is it that you like about Vanilla so much? Tell me."
***
We, as liberals, love to bitch and moan about Fox News and Ann Coulter and Bill O'Reilly and, um, what's his name -- Sean Hannity. But we do it too. We do it too. We call Bush a moron and his supporters morons and sneer at anyone who would vote for him, and it's wrong. And we have to stop. Bush isn't a moron. And the people who voted for him aren't morons. And it's rude and asshole-ish and uncalled-for to say so.
And worse than that, starting the conversation in this way ruins everything. It ruins Democracy, and it spoils any possibility of actually solving the problems that this nation faces.
And it has to stop. I don't care who among us grows up first. I don't care if the Democrats or Republicans do it first. But someone has to do it.
Or else we're all fucked.
--Oliver
coming next: more
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Sweet Dreams Are Made of These
10/26/2007 1:24:22 PM
Bored on a Friday? Addicted to the Internets? Gabriel and Max made this vid for you:
It's like a riff on Napoleon Dynamite! Except it's actually funny. IDK about you, but those "Vote for Pedro" t-shirts make me wanna hurl. Summer was pretty hot though, for a Duff sister.
--JGH
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Roommates: Even Worse Than That Ben Stiller Movie
10/26/2007 10:28:22 AM
So MySpace decided to take the runaway success of MTV's The Hills and Laguna Beach and run with it! Apparently the social networking conglomerate debuted their "exclusive series," this week, Roommates.
Roommates Ep4: College Flashback
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Four of the girls have moved to Los Angeles to live in a rent-free house wired with cameras, while the other four participate and interact remotely through video blogs. Living in a house wired with cameras? Sounds like this reality series should be on Mr Skin! If I were "living in a house wired with cameras", I'd be charging way more than these chicks are probably making!
I can't wait for the inevitable sex tape.
--JGH
Via ReelPop
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Cute With Chris? Antisocial? You Don't Say
10/26/2007 10:26:07 AM
Viral video all-star, the creepily sardonic Cute with Chris, spells out his social phobias to YouTube:
The tag-line for his show? "All your dreams are dead." I wonder if that's how he feels when he realizes when crybaby Chris Crocker gets more hits than he ever will!
--JGH
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Old-School PSA: R2D2 Says Don’t Smoke
10/25/2007 6:41:41 PM
I’m just going to quote YouTube commentator and comedic genius “firstspacechimp” here: “We always knew R2 was the cool one.”
–N.A.
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Baby Kitten!
10/25/2007 1:06:01 PM
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Paris Hilton’s New…Opera?
10/25/2007 10:42:41 AM
Perez Hilton reports that Paris Hilton will star in REPO! The Genetic Opera, which looks like The Rocky Horror Picture Show on crack. Paul Sorvino and uber-soprano Sarah Brightman will round out the cast.
The plot, courtesy IMDB: “A worldwide epidemic encourages a biotech company to launch an organ-financing program similar in nature to a standard car loan. The repossession clause is a killer, however.”
Courtesy Perez: “This shiz is an instant camp classic!”
Well, it’s definitely shiz…Here's the trailer, which was cut to drum up "interest in financing." We'll see what 2008 brings...
–N.A.
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The Greatest Sex Scenes in Cinema: Mulholland Drive
10/24/2007 3:12:12 PM
"Hey, little girl. It's time to wake up..."
Hooksexup and IFC are combining forces to present the Greatest Sex Scenes in Cinema History. (Click here to view the archive.) And every so often, I'll be reviewing the best of the best, the creme de la creme, the ne plus ultra, if you will. (Sorry, I had study fucking Latin for a long time in school, and I never get a chance to show it off. My bad.)
...Our first sex scene is from Mulholland Drive, by David Lynch. Please to enjoy the primal hot lesbian action. (Click here to see the scene.) And yes, those would be the naked breasts of Naomi Watts. And here's some fun facts about her co-star, Laura Herring: (1) She's a former Miss USA. (2) She was once married to a count, and still holds the title of Countess von Bismark-Schönhausen. (3) That is all.
____________________________________________________________
Okay! And now that I've sucked you in with some free breasts, let's talk about Mulholland Drive. I don't happen to be a David Lynch fan, but this is one awesome movie. You know how I can tell? It's the only movie that I ever saw where I got in a fight within fifteen seconds of seeing it. ...We were walking out of the theater in New York, and a line of people were waiting to see the movie. "How was it?" someone shouted. "Great!" my friends and I said. "Awful!" yelled the group of people next to us. And then we all got into a big argument there on the sidewalk. New York City!
Anyway, below are some of my favorite scenes from Mulholland Drive. My super-favorite? The cowboy scene. With the scene out of context like this, it's hard to show how truly shocking and chilling it is. (And I still remember the muted startled gasps in the theater when we see the cowboy... for the second time. "...One time if you do good; two times if you do bad.")
I have an insanely complicated theory about Mulholland Drive. I was about to say that I wasn't going to subject you guys to it -- but fuck it, when else I am ever going to get to write my (inaccurate) theory of what the movie's about?
Here we go. You can skip this part if you want. In fact, you probably should.
Oliver's Theory of What 'Mulholland Drive' Is About: You're an innocent young woman from a small town in Canada. You move to Hollywood, because you want to make it big in the movies. But beneath your innocence, there's also a dark, scheming side to you. (After all, how are you going to make it in this town without a dark side?)
So you are Betty, the innocent, and also Rita, the vamp. Two sides of the same girl. The entire film is a dream-concept of what your life is like. ...And then, two-thirds of the way through the film, you actually become a movie star, and you open Pandora's Box.
...From here, the film loops and restarts. Now you're a different blond girl, still trying to make it in the movies, but now you're trying to catch your big break while working in a cruddy diner, like so many starlets of yore.
It doesn't matter who you are. In the end, the story is always the same. (Throughout the film, the phrase "This is the girl" is repeated, but always about a different person. The point? Everyone is the girl.)
...In the end, the story is always the same. You become famous, but your fame destroys you, and you die, alone in a hotel room. (Like Marilyn Monroe, Frances Farmer, Veronica Lake, etc, etc...)
You die because you have opened Pandora's box. And what's inside the box? The audience. The audience, who can only see the vision of you on the big screen. And in time, you come to see yourself in this way too. You become seduced by the vision of yourself in the movies, and by trying to live up to this vision, you die, isolated and alone -- dying from drink, from drugs, from sex, from whatever.
(A couple of clues that led me to this interpretation: watch the "Club Silencio" section carefully. It's all about what watching movies is like. The audience laughs, they weep, they shiver, but the whole time, they know that it's all just an illusion. A recording. "There is no band. And yet... we hear a band." It is this desperate belief in an illusion that kills us; this illusion drives us away from real life, and makes us destroy ourselves in an attempt to attain what we can never really attain.
In addition, the choice of the name "Rita" in the film is also a clue. "Rita" = Rita Hayworth, the actress who famously said, "...Men go to bed with Gilda [her most famous role], but then they wake up with me." Yeah. Talk about having problems distinguishing between illusion and reality.)
Anyway, that's my theory. Good theory, no? There's only one problem. My theory is wrong. (Probably.) Here's a guide to what the movie is actually about (probably). Oh well. I still like my (incorrect) theory better, in the same way that I like my misheard version of song lyrics better than the actual songs themselves.
By the way, my dad also has a theory about this movie. After standing up and turning it off halfway through, he said, "This is the biggest piece of pretentious bullshit that I've ever seen in my life." That's also a valid point of view, I guess.
That's enough out of me. Here's some clips.
Club Silencio:
The Cowboy (sucky audio):
The Dream (sucky audio):
--Oliver
coming next: The inherent sexy awesomeness of Keanu Reeves. Yeah, you heard me right.
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Don't Buy Things You Can't Afford! No, Seriously.
10/24/2007 1:35:49 PM
Smart-shopping Gawker site Consumerist is abuzz over this couple (featured on Oprah) who is carrying OVER $135,000 IN CREDIT CARD DEBT. Girlfriend spends over $400 a month at Starbucks! That shiz is no joke.
It all reminds me of this old school Steve Martin/Chris Parnell sketch:
It's funny because it's true. No one in America has this common sense anymore! Viva la debt industry.
--Jessica
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The Onion Strikes Back!
10/24/2007 1:21:59 PM
Just when I thought The Onion had slid into irrelevance (seriously, what ever happened to Jean Teasdale?), they hit me with soul-wrenching genius. Like this piece on memorial-building before a disaster happens -- sick!
Memorial Honors Future Victims Of Imminent Dam Disaster
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(And timely, considering what's going on in California.)
Even more brilliant, however, is this insta-classic, "The Skull Fucking Bill of 2007." Who says satire can't demand responsibility and class from our civil servants?
--Jessica "Not A Skull F*cker" Haralson
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