Sweet merciful Jesus, I can't even remember a time when I wasn't writing this. Well, let's put this NBA Preview to bed, finally. Yep, this is the LAST PART. This is it. This is the end, my friend. My only friend, th' end...
PART SIX -- THE SOUTHWEST DIVISION
San Antonio Spurs: The Spurs have won something like three titles in the past five years, and they feature Tim Duncan, the least compelling superstar in the history of the world. The problem with the Spurs is that they're too good. They win sixty games every year and then win the championship and they do it without drama; no fights, no trades, no running into the stands to beat up the fans. You want to hate them, but you can't. Did you have some kid in your high school who was super good-looking and on the soccer team and dating a cheerleader
and got good grades
and never drank
and was popular
and was even nice to the nerds in the hallways? That's what the Spurs are like. They're
better than you, and you can't even hate them for it. Plus, the Spurs' point guard is married to whatshername, the hot chick from "Desperate Housewives." Which is kind of neither here nor there, but I just thought that I'd throw that out as a factoid.
Prediction: 62 wins
Dallas Mavericks: See, the Mavericks
want to be the Spurs, but they just can't pull it together. They have a boring power-forward as their main guy, like the Spurs. They're from Texas, like the Spurs. They win lots of games, like the Spurs. But they always collapse in the playoffs and they can't win a championship. ...See, if the Spurs are That Guy from high school, then the Mavericks are the Guy Who Wants To Be That Guy; the guy who should be popular, but isn't. He's a jock, he's handsome, he's got a nice car... but there's just something that's
off about him. He laughs too hard at his own jokes, he makes people uncomfortable, his last girlfriend hates him, people whisper in the hallways that he cheats on tests and that he roofied some girl from another town... so close, and yet so far away.
Prediction: 56 wins
Houston Rockets: Jesus Christ,
another team from Texas? Ugh. The Rockets have ugly uniforms and I don't care about them. Houston is the only place in Texas that I've ever been to, and it sucks. I went there when I was fleeing Hurricane Katrina, and after driving for twelve hours in pitch-black darkness, I thought I was almost in Houston, and then I saw this sign on the highway that said: "SAN ANTONIO -- 1,023 Miles" and I actually screeched aloud in horror, having forgotten for a second which city I was driving to. Anyway, long story short, Texas is ridiculously huge and it sucks. It's by far the worst place I've ever been to. And any time I ever say anything bad about Texas, someone in the room, usually someone who's in a band, is like:
"Hey, wait! Austin is a cool town." Whatever. I don't care. Wow, Texas is 300,000 miles from end to end and it has
one nice town with some emo-bands and dive bars and stuff. Wow. Big fucking deal. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh, the Rockets, right.
Prediction: 50 wins
New Orleans Hornets: Bzzzt!
Prediction: 48 wins
Memphis Care Bears: I mean Grizzlies! Memphis Grizzlies! It'd be cooler if they were the Care Bears, though. Then they could shoot rainbows out of their chests and do whatever else Care Bears do, and thank god, I don't know what those things are. What did the Care Bears do, anyway? Fight evil bears? I never saw the cartoon. Someone, please, write in and tell me.
Anyway, I was talking to my friend Elise last night, and she was laughing and was like, "I'm in the worst place in the world right now. Guess where I am!" And I was like: "Tallahassee! Queens! Houston, Texas! Jersey City!" And she was like, "I'm standing in an airport in Memphis, Tennessee." Because she was flying home for Thanksgiving and had to switch planes. I think, given enough time and enough guesses, I would have picked "Memphis" as an answer, because it sucks too. In fact, there are only three places in the South that don't suck. Here they are: Savannah, Georgia. New Orleans, Louisiana. Charleston, South Carolina. Feel free to go to any of those places, and avoid every other place in the South. You're welcome.
Prediction: 29 wins
THAT'S IT? THAT'S THE END? I CAN GO BACK TO WRITING ABOUT PARIS HILTON AND BOOBIES NOW? OH, THANK GOD. YEE-HAW!
--Oliver