The Top Five Artistic Sex Scenes
12/13/2007 6:55:00 PM
The potential sexiness of this scene is undercut, for me, by the fact that I saw this movie for the first time with my dad, when I was thirteen. Not a sexy memory. But hey! It's Malcolm McDowell! And he's fucking two girls in sped-up motion! The cool thing about Malcolm McDowell is that he did one of the best acting jobs in history in this movie... and then, twenty-five years later, he starred in Tank Girl with Lori Petty and Ice-T. Good times. And hey, why is this movie called A Clockwork Orange, anyway? Try and figure that one out. There'll be a quiz later. I'm not joking. No, actually I am joking. But there is a reason. Try and figure it out.
Nicholas Cage back when he was cool. This movie gave me nightmares after I saw it for the first time. Bonus points to Nick Cage for having the world's most bad-ass snakeskin jacket in this movie. And double bonus points for the fact that his character's name is "Sailor." That's cool. But subtract a million points for the end of this movie, which makes no sense whatsoever.
Am I the only one who ever liked this movie? I think I must be. Anyway, it stars Julie Delpy as a bank-teller by day, call-girl by night! Which sounds exhausting to me. Are bank-tellers really so underpaid that they must resort to selling sex for money? Maybe I'll ask about that the next time I go in to get a roll of quarters.
The only girl that I ever lived with was bisexual, and a stripper, and she had an insane crush on Helena Bonham Carter. In fact, she made enormous posters of Helena from black and white photographs and plastered them all around our apartment. So for two years, I went to bed, and had sex... under a six-foot blow-up photograph of Helena Bonham Carter's face. Which was a little disorienting, let me tell you. Still, this movie rocks. Question: does this scene count as a threesome, since Brad Pitt and Ed Norton are the same person? Think about that one for a while. Major bonus points for Helena's character having the funniest post-coital line in movie history: "My God... I haven't been fucked like that since grade school." Awesome.
This is the best movie ever made about bisexual narcoleptic gigolos who quote Shakespeare, and I defy you to contradict me on that point. Anyway, I really like the freeze-frame Kama Sutra bizarro thing that they do with sex in this movie. It's somehow sexier than actual sex. It's like, you're seeing sex, but it's also all being left up to the imagination. And I don't even have a problem with Keanu Reeves here. In fact, I like Keanu Reeves. I wish I was friends with him. I'd get him to say simple words over and over again. "Hey, Keanu, say 'spoon.'" "'Spoon.'" "Say 'whoa.'" "'Whoa.'" "Now, say 'awesome.'" "'Awesome.'" "Now say all three together real fast." "'Spoonwhoawesome.'" I feel like I could do that for hours every day.
Also receiving votes: Conversations with Other Women, Pillow Book, She's Gotta Have It.
— Oliver
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The Best of the Best of the Blog...
12/13/2007 1:53:10 PM
It's a little early for an end of the year extravanganza, but I did get an email from Hooksexup HQ the other day, asking for the best viral videos of the past year. So here they are, in no particular real order.
1) Ben Folds -- Bitches Ain't Shit
Everything about this song and video kills me. The Scottish guy rapping kills me. The million-guitar solo at the end kills me. Ben Folds jumping off the platform to his death at the end kills me. It's a great video, and as far as I can determine, they're not even making fun of N.W.A. here. Instead, they're taking the N.W.A. song to a whole different level of profoundity and awesomeness. This is the viral video equivalent of Marcel Duchamp's urinal/fountain. Go ahead and watch it. Now.
2) "Solla Solla Enna Perumai" -- from the film 'Ellam Inba Mayam' (1981)
My ex-girlfriend Allie found this video for me, back in the day. Allie and I don't talk so much anymore, but she will always have a special place in my heart for locating this 1981 Bollywood clip of absolute awesomeness. And no, I have no idea what the phrase "Solla Solla Enna Perumai" means, nor do I know what the movie "Ellam Inba Mayan" is about, nor do I even really undestand what's happening in this video. Still, this clip is great, and it really requires no context. It will put a smile on your face and a song in your heart. Go ahead and watch it. Now.
3) Tales of Mere Existence -- "How I Found Out About Girls"
All of the "Tales of Mere Existence" films and cartoons are awesome, but this one is especially awesome. Princess Leia action figures, "National Geographic" magazine, playing doctor, "Monopoly"-based play dates. ...I think this is pretty much how we all learned about girls. I mean, I know that's how it went for me.
4) SNL Digital Short -- "Iran So Far Away"
Not only this is video hilarious (and topical!), but it's also kind of a good song. The funniest part? When Andy sings "...And your hairy butt. ...Yeah." Fantastic. And the Jake Gyllenhaal cameo is pretty good too.
5) SNL Digital Short -- "Laser Cats 2"
Two "best of" videos for Andy Samberg? What can I say? It's the year of Samberg. He's funny, he works hard, he deserves it. ...By the way, this video was almost impossible to find. "Saturday Night Live," if it's not too much trouble, could you please stop continually deleting your videos from YouTube? I know that you're trying to singlehandedly hold back the tide of history and block the free access of videos on the internet... but it's not going to work. Stop deleting your videos. It's not working. Give it up.
6) Jellyfish
It's a non-funny video! And it's a film of jellyfish at the Boston Aquarium, set to the Sigur Rós song "Starálfur." What can I say? It's beautiful. I love jellyfish and I love this song. This ain't rocket science, people.
--Oliver
coming next: more of the best of the best.
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Spreading Holiday Cheer; STI's: The SNL Crew
12/13/2007 10:06:28 AM
Are you excited that Christmas is coming? Really? Even though your Republican great-aunt will no doubt blather nonstop about how Mike Huckabee is Jesus and your 11-year-old cousins will read from "The Book of Fart Jokes" all day?
Yeah, I didn't think so either.
However, there is some small comfort: Holiday viral videos! Today we're gonna recap that 2006 Timberlake/Samberg classic, "A Special Christmas Box." Next time you want to cut a hole in great-aunt's head, just think of cutting a hole in... well.. never mind.
Enjoy!
--JGH
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It's the End of the World As I Know It...
12/12/2007 12:35:14 PM
Hi! So on the plus-side, I finished my law school exams today, so I'll have a lot more time to blog on this thing. On the not-plus-side, I got in a fight with the Dean of my law school today and told him to, quote/unquote, "Go fuck himself." So I may REALLY have a lot of free time in which to blog now.
Anyway, as far as I'm concerned, it's the end of the world as I know it... and I feel fine. Something something LEON-ARD BERNSTEIN!
Unrelated true story about me: I used to live in Athens, Georgia, and I would run into Michael Stipe of R.E.M. about once every two weeks. It's unavoidable, really. Athens, Georgia is a very small town. ANY-way, and once I got stuck in an elevator with Michael Stipe, and I'm not shy about pestering famous people (and Kevin Spacey, Bob Dole, Bill Clinton, Clint Eastwood, Campbell Scott, and John Cusack can all attest to this fact), but I only sort of like R.E.M., and I couldn't think of anything at all to say to Michael Stipe. What could you say? "Hey, I kind of like some of your songs." "Hey, that one song of yours with the cricket noises at the beginning is kind of decent." Those both seemed kind of bad. So instead, I just stood in an elevator with him for a long time and didn't say anything. It was really awkward.
Anyway, I'm tired from finals and I'm going to take a nap now.
cheers,
Oliver
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Bonus!
12/12/2007 10:00:00 AM
...Annnnnd, here's another game for you to play... "Gamma Bros"! Guide brothers Buzz and Zap home from their spaceship orbiting Jupiter, so that they can get back in time to eat dinner!
The thing I like about this game is that it has a perfect 1984 arcade vibe. It's easy for the first three minutes, and you're like, "Ennh..." and then, suddenly, you find yourself pounding and sweating over the controls and struggling just to survive. It's like I'm back in my old arcade in Ardmore, Pennsylvania... I can just smell the crappy pizza from the pizza parlor next door, and sense the vaguely menacing ranks of slightly older kids who are gathered around me...
Anyway, click the icon to play. The arrow keys make you move, and you can shoot left, up, down, or right with the "A, W, S, D" keys, respectively. You'll figure the rest out.
--Oliver
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Present!
12/12/2007 9:00:00 AM
So here's an early Christmas present for y'all... A free video-game... that I like... "Rat Maze 2."
I love everything about this game; the huge pixels, the circa 1982 music, the fact that I'm not very good at this game, the fact that your rat can become hypersonic, the fact that cheese leaves behind miniature crumbs after you eat it, and especially the ultra-funky voice that occasionally encourages you by saying things such as, "Nice," or, "Solid."
Anyway, use the arrow keys to move around, press "Shift" to slow your rat down (which comes in handy for certain puzzles), press the Space Bar to pause, and "R" to un-pause.
Eat all the cheese before time runs out, collect letters that spell "RATMAZE" to escape. ...And that's it. Enjoy! And I'll be back with another flash game, later on.
--Oliver
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These People Have Too Much Time On Their Hands...
12/10/2007 11:41:36 AM
Have you heard of this up-and-coming artist called Soulja Boy? Me neither! JK, I know at 21 I'm already behind the times with music. Call up Dr. Kevorkian, I fail at life!
Anyways, I had to cue up Soulja Boy for some fellow college students, and absent a stereo I used YouTube.
These were the results:
Yeah, I don't know either.
Anyways, if y'all have been wondering where I am, I didn't want to post for two weeks because I was grossed out by "2 Girls 1 Cup." If you have no idea what I'm talking about, don't even Google it. You'll hate your life. Trust!
--JGH
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The Worstest Film Ever?
12/8/2007 2:07:49 PM
Whoops! Sorry. Please ignore my previous blog. I have found an upcoming movie that is even worse than the upcoming "Speed Racer" movie. And here it is:
The next sound that you hear will be of me freaking out in horror. Eeaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhh!
--Oliver
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The Worst Film... Ever?
12/8/2007 1:16:29 PM
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...From the geniuses who brought you "The Matrix," as well as the completely unwatchable "Matrix: Reloaded" and even more completely unwatchable "Matrix: Revolutions" comes next summer's really really big blockbuster movie... "Speed Racer".
"Speed Racer"? Really? Are we sure this is, um, a good idea? I'm as big a fan of turning shitty cartoons into shitty movies as you're likely to find, but is a feature-length "Speed Racer" film really called for?
Here, watch the utterly awful trailer, starring... John Goodman! Susan Sarandon! That guy from "The Girl Next Door"! And a chimpanzee! Holy shit!
Ugh. You know when there's a chimp involved that you're in for some quality entertainment. Here's the problem that I'm seeing; "Speed Racer" was a terrible cartoon that made no sense whatsoever. Here, watch this for as long as you can stand it:
Whoo! Nothing beats dialogue like "He's a member of the Car Acrobatic Team! ...The Car Acrobatic Team! I've heard of them!" Awesome. My favorite part of the cartoon was always the narrator, who would say stuff like "Meanwhile, in a super-secret room of a secret hotel, the ten most evil men in the world meet in a secret meeting room to discuss their evil secret plan." ...Um. What kind of plan was that again? An evil secret one, you say?
Good times. Go away, "Speed Racer," go!
--Oliver
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Introducing... Hooksexup's Hollywood Sex Scene Database
12/6/2007 1:13:00 PM
Before jumping shark to Boston Law, James Spader (and his chest hair) had a prolific career portraying brooding, somewhat creepy, and almost always sexually-charged characters. From poofy-haired preppie Max in White Palace to licentious lawyer E. Edward Gray in Secretary, Spader has proven his cinematic manhood time and time again.
James Spader plays widower Max to Susan Sarandon's Nora, the classic sassy older waitress. But despite - or, perhaps, because of - lifestyle and age differences, Max and Nora have unbelievable heat between the sheets.
Fresh from the success of Stargate, Spader could have gone the action man route (ala, let's see, Kurt Russell). Instead, he followed it up with Cronenberg's car-crash-fetish flick. Although it may have put a kink in Spader's climb up the mainstream Hollywood ladder, it also made Spader a go-to guy for directors in need of the deviant lead.
As sadistic hitman Lee, Spader sports his signature black horn-rimmed glasses (now an hipster boy staple - coincidence?) and a mouthful of ice in this bedroom romp with pre-fame Charlize Theron.
Though Maggie Gyllenhaal (and her breasts) had the titular role, this surprisingly tender foray into S&M would have been pale vanilla without Spader playing the sexy, multifaceted and mysterious boss to Gyllenhaal’s secretary. Here, Spader finds a surprisingly willing victim, bending over his desk.
When Spader’s big bad bossman finally puts down his guard (and his whips, chains, dog collars, etc.) it results in this erotic scene…and the public’s first glimpse of Gyllenhaal’s knockers. Here Maggie’s character rambles on with all the questions that a girl can have float through her mind at inopportune times, and Spader knows just how to handle it. We get intimate kisses, his gorgeous full lips, and only Spader can make us want to laugh, cry (and come) simply by saying: “Des Moines, Iowa.”
— compiled by Nicole Ankwoski and Mandalee Meisner
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