"Vagina Power" Will Rock Your...Um...You Know...
2/7/2008 6:10:31 PM
In an alternate universe, Hotlanta cable access host Alexyss K. Tylor would put Oprah to a withering shame. In her bona fide viral classic, “Vagina Power,” Ms. Tylor cooked nuggets such as “with a penis all up in your vagina, man, you don’t have no defenses” to a golden crisp.
Her ghettofied version of female empowerment is a walking parody of Tim Meadows’ old Leon Phelps sketch, sans the intentional humor. In her latest Web offering, Ms. Tylor extols the virtues of washing out yer stank. “Their ass was off the motherfuckin’ Richter scale. It was fuming up the whole goddamn kitchen,” Taylor berates at one point.
Looks like Vagisil has a new spokesperson:
—Joey Hood
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15728#15728 |
The Best Part of Waking Up is Sexism in Your Cup!
2/7/2008 3:32:03 PM
My boyfriend likes to be an asshole and make sexist-ass jokes, so it was no surprise when he e-mailed me this 1950's Folgers commercial all of five minutes ago.
Everyone knows it's funny when a homemaker is saddled with verbal abuse by her domineering, chauvinist husband!
(Problem: it actually is kind of funny when it's a commercial from the Olden Times.)
I think I'm getting my man some Folgers instant coffee for Valentine's Day! That'll learn him.
--JGH
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15727#15727 |
Japanese "Geisha" Lesson (Super Duper NSFW)
2/7/2008 2:55:20 PM
So apparently there's a demand for Japanese-to-English instructional videos on how to talk dirty! It seems like a joke, but maybe I'm just too square for this new trend.
I'm not sure why the phrase "first rate c*nt lapping" is considered prime-sexy talk, but whatevs! This video is (un)intentionally funny, geisha style.
--JGH
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15726#15726 |
Rock of Love II: Get to Know the Girls
2/7/2008 2:24:01 PM
Haven’t been religiously DVR-ing Rock of Love II? Then perhaps you’re not familiar with Inna, whom I believe Bret once called “his Ukrainian love truck.” She slightly frightens me on the show, but somehow in the video, Megan—the hot Playboy-promotions girl—comes off as much, much creepier. Give me a love truck over a hot chick with a little dog and a creepy laugh any day…As for Ambre: can a normal girl actually win Bret’s heart? We hope not…for Ambre’s sake.
—N.A.
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15725#15725 |
Are You There, God? It's Me... Hillary.
2/7/2008 1:24:58 PM
Aw, man... What the hell happened? Super Tuesday came and went, and we still don't know what's going on. Okay, here's what we know. McCain won, Romney lost (possibly because every single person on the face of the earth finds him to be... creepy.) ...And then, Obama and Hillary... tied. Oh god.
IT'S NEVER GOING TO FUCKING END.
This is bad news for me, because I already don't like Hillary, and I already don't like her way too much... excessively too much, in fact, and I'd like to tone it down, but, oh, screw it. But I can't imagine that I'm going to like her any better before this thing is over. It's just going to get worse and worse.
But she just bugs me. Her patent insincerity bugs me. At least I feel like Obama is telling the truth 85% of the time. And John McCain, crazy ol' John McCain, he seems like he's telling the truth 90% of the time. You've got to give John McCain that; he's like, "Yeah I'll keep troops in Iraq for a hundred years if I feel like it, and the economy blows chunks right now, and by the way, fuck you." ...You've got to respect that. And when McCain says something that he knows isn't true -- like say, for example, "George W. Bush is a fine president" -- then he at least looks sort of visibly queasy and upset. So, there's that.
But I'd have to vote for Hillary over McCain in the general election. Sucks. I could never bring myself to vote for a Republican. I feel like my arm would magically drop off as I went to pull the lever, or like a hideous firey pit would open up beneath my feet. Sucks.
Anyway.
Dear God, please make this primary come to an end. And if it be thy will, deliver us from Hillary... and lead us into Obamanation. In thy name. Amen.
--Oliver Miller
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15723#15723
|
10 More of the Best "Good Bad" Movies.
2/7/2008 12:28:32 AM
Now that Jeremy's gotten to go, it's my turn. Here's my list of the best "movies that looked like they were gonna be awful, but then turned out to be really good." Enjoy...
---
1) KICKING AND SCREAMING
No, not the shitty one starring Will Ferrell... the other one. Yes, they have the same title; yes, it's confusing. I know, I know.
So this is the first movie by Noah Baumbaugh, who eventually become famous for directing "The Squid and the Whale." Anyway: so here's the plot of the movie. Grover goes out with Jane; Jane dumps him to go to Prague for a year; Grover gets depressed and hangs out with his friends for the summer. Sounds like the worst movie ever, right? Sounds like every horrible short story written in English 101 by some slacker, right? No. It's the best movie of all time. It's so good, in fact, that I couldn't even limit myself to one clip, so we have two, above. I still remember seeing this movie, in Georgetown, in 1996, and walking out of the theater with my date, and being dazzled by how funny, honest, and true it all was... as the two of us walked back to college, in the crispy fall air.
Anyway. It's also worth noting that after seeing this film, I eventually did move to Prague, like in this movie, and I got a degree in creative writing, just like in this movie, and I went out with a series of hot writer girls who dumped me, just like in the movie. Perhaps I took this film too much to heart? Nah. That's not possible.
2) JUST ONE OF THE GUYS
Here's another terrible premise for a movie: A girl decides to pose undercover as a boy in high school so that she can write an newspaper article about sexism. Gosh, what a wacky idea! And it's a movie from 1984! Uggh... it's another awful 80s teen movie!
Nope. This movie is great. It's surprisingly touching and sweet. And it gets bonus points for featuring That Evil Blond Guy from "Karate Kid" as the bad guy, a role in which he always excels. The girl who plays the lead -- Joyce Hyser is her name -- should have become famous forever afterwards as a result of this movie. Instead, no one has ever heard of this thing. Oh well.
...By the way, the best line in the movie? "It's okay. He has tits." ...Just trust me.
3) THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN
I know... I know. Everyone knows that this is a good movie already. But man, my old girlfriend had to drag me to see this thing on a Friday night. I was like, "We get to do whatever I want next Friday, right?" It just sounded like an awful idea for a movie. An old guy, trying to have sex! And he's a virgin! And it's got a terrible title! Oh, yay.
The key here, as in the movies above -- and this seems to be kind of a running theme -- is that though this movie is funny, it's also surprisingly gentle, and it's humor comes from unexpected places. I thought it would be two hours of people making fun of an old virgin guy. But on the contrary, everyone in the movie likes the virgin guy, and just wants to help him. That's way more surprising, and makes everything oh so much better. And just I love the above clip, from the end of the movie: "Mystic crystal revelations!" Oh my god. That kills me.
4) ENTRAPMENT
I tried for a while to think of how to explain that this movie is good; then I gave up. You'll just have to trust me. It's a heist movie, it stars Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones, and it somehow manages to overcome the fact that they have sex in the movie, even though Sean Connery is 38 years older than her. Ugh! But it works. And I almost cried at the end of this movie the first time around -- at the scene where Sean is sitting alone in a train, and he suddenly looks so lonesome and old and bereft...
Um. I highly regret telling you that I almost cried at this movie. Anyway, since I can't explain why this movie is good, the clip above just features slo-mo shots of Catherine Zeta-Jones's ass. Hopefully that'll be enough to entice you.
5) CASINO ROYALE
I've seen every James Bond movie. I don't know why. There are about thirty of them, and only two of the movies are good. This one is good, and "Goldfinger" is good. And "Goldfinger" isn't even very good. So only this one is good. That's a one in thirty shot of this being a good movie, which is... what? I can't do math. Five percent odds? Also, I really really really want to sleep with Eva Green from this movie. It's a stupid dream of mine, 'cause it's not going to happen, but still, I persist.
6) ALIEN 3
Now we enter the realm of really weird movies that I like that no one else likes. For example: "Alien 3." This movie is great in parts, and unimaginably terrible in others. As a example of this, you need look no further than the above (overly long) clip, which features a beautiful speech that I've thought of ever since, and which then completely ruins the scene by killing the character for no earthly reason. Bizarre.
7) K-9
The odds of Jim Belushi being in an actual good movie -- and that movie being a cop buddy picture featuring a dog as his partner -- the odds of that actually happening must be mathematically insignificant; close to the probability of there being, say, a third term of George W. Bush's presidency.
And yet, here we are. It's a movie. Jim Belushi is funny in it. The dog is great. And it's good. I was actually so embarrassed to put this movie on my list that I had to call my friend Jeremy about it. And he was like: "I love that movie too!" So. You see? I'm not the only crazy one here. ...Although, now that I'm watching this trailer again, it looks awful. So maybe my friend and I are just idiots. That's also always possible.
8) MULHOLLAND DRIVE
I hate David Lynch, I hate fucking pretentious artsy movies, and yet I like this film. Go fucking figure. By the way, this is the only movie I've ever seen where I got in a fight after leaving the theater. There was a big crowd waiting, and someone shouted to us as we came out, "So how was it?"
"Great!" my girlfriend and I said.
"Terrible!" said the guy right next to me.
And then that guy and I got in a -- uh -- spirited debate about the movie, and eventually started to physically -- um -- tussle. I feel like that's a good sign.
9) AUSTIN POWERS, INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY
"Hey, so, um, do you wanna go see that new Mike Myers movie?"
"Remind me again... what was the last movie that he was in?"
"Ummmm... 'So I Married an Axe Murderer.'"
"I think I'd rather fucking die."
"...Yeah. ...I think that you're right."
(Note: I know that the scene above is from the third, not the first movie. But the scene is way too funny to not post here.)
10) SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION
"Hey, so do you, uh, want to go see the first movie that Will Smith's ever appeared in?"
"Remind me again... what's the only thing that he's ever been in, up until now?"
"Um. 'The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.'"
"I think that I'd rather fucking die."
"Right."
--Oliver Miller
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15720#15720
|
Everyone else has had more sex than me.
2/6/2008 3:06:40 PM
Honestly? I was busy having hot sex this morning, and now I'm stuck at law school, and I have to do research for my law firm job, otherwise I'll get fired. Plus I have no sound speakers here at school, so I can't even watch videos here to put them on the blog.
BASICALLY, THIS BLOG IS FUCKED UP FOR TODAY; I HOPE THAT YOU CAN FORGIVE ME.
But below is one of my favorite videos of all time. It's a little "old school," if you consider "something that was released a year and a half ago" to be "old school." But I still like it. It features bunnies... and sex.
By the way? Not everyone has had more sex than me. I was quizzing my sexual partner last night, and I have had sex with five times the number of people that she did. Which is fine, but I'm always surprised when I ask a girl how many people she's had sex with and she's like, "twelve." That's it? For real? Either other people are way better at committed relationships than me, or they're having a lot of "down time," is all that I'm saying.
--Oliver Miller
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15717#15717
|
Still yet even more politics: Sean Hannity on Obama.
2/5/2008 1:22:54 PM
...God... I hate Sean Hannity. And I also hate that wussy-pants Alan Colmes. Anyway, here's Sean, fairly and balanced-ly discussing Barack Obama, by asking an audience of Democrats to name one of the Senator's accomplishments, then screaming that they haven't.
Um... Sean? Half of the audience members did name one of the Senator's accomplishments, even though you were... ummm, shouting over them as they tried to talk, and even though you gave each one of them exactly 0.5 seconds in which to speak and think.
Oh, and Sean? You're a total dick. No, I mean you're a real asshole. I mean it.
...I sometimes wonder if Fox News shouldn't go the whole hog and just become the Official Evil Network of Big Brother, like in "1984."
"Fox News: Where Everything is Always Double-Plus Good!"
"Fox News: Where War is Peace and Love is Hate."
"Fox News: Where We Stand for What We've Always Stood for: A Boot Stomping on a Human Face... Forever."
Oh, and Sean? You're still a dick.
--Oliver Miller
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15713#15713
|
The Top Ten "Good Bad" Movies.
2/5/2008 11:23:56 AM
Editor's note: You think that I write long blogs? Here's my old roommate Jeremy, with his top ten list of "movies that looked like they were going to be bad, but turned out to be really good." Just as an aside, I could not agree more about "The Girl Next Door," and I could not disagree more about "Babe 2: Pig in the City." That movie seriously creeped my me and my girlfriend out for like, three hours...
Anyway. Thanks, Jeremy!
---
JEREMY'S LIST OF BAD MOVIES THAT TURNED OUT TO BE GOOD
(Note: I wouldn’t necessarily call these the TOP TEN, more like… the TEN I HAPPENED TO THINK OF.)
1) THE GIRL NEXT DOOR
So, I was with my girlfriend in a Blockbuster. It was one of those nights inside the video store vortex. Suddenly every movie is not quite right for the vibe of the evening. Or, what feels right to one person feels wrong to the other: “What about 'Blade Runner'?” “I hate 'Blade Runner.' I don’t get why it’s a classic. Hey, 'Winged Migration' is supposed to be good…” “I’m not in the mood for a documentary about geese, sorry…”.
Just when it seemed like we would have to give up or come to blows, I saw the DVD cover for “The Girl Next Door” featuring the young and sexy Elisha Cuthbert on the cover in tight blue jeans and a form-fitting red shirt that exposed her belly. I picked it up, and read that it was about a young porn star moving into the house next to a dorky high school kid for the summer. “How about this? Hot young girl. Porn star premise that stretches believability. Oh, and a hot young girl.” “Sure.” “Really? Great.”
We got back to the apartment and threw it in the DVD player. My roommate Oliver sat down to watch it with us, also enticed by the photo of Elisha Cuthbert. And yes, it was sexy. But it was also surprisingly… really, really good. Really. It was the first teen movie that I have seen in forever that actually portrayed a somewhat realistic version of high school. They took what sounded like a far-fetched idea and made it totally grounded and honest. The chemistry between the two leads felt sincere and emotionally resonant. We were all sitting on the couch looking at each other in disbelief. All the plot decisions felt fresh and unexpected and the characters had to make interesting choices. It was just… really good.
Note: The male lead, Emile Hirsch, went on to star in Sean Penn’s film, “Into the Wild”. Personally, I preferred him in “The Girl Next Door”. Halfway through “Into the Wild”, I found myself thinking, “I wish this kid would just wander off into the woods and die. He’s obnoxious.” Luckily for me, that was exactly what he did, which made the film vaguely satisfying.
Other note: This movie was so much better than “Superbad” which got played up as being such a good teen movie, and it just wasn’t. It was dumb. Though I do love Micheal Cera. He totally made "Juno."
2) BABE
In this case, I was skipping a college physics class called 'Gravity: The Universal Glue' with my friend Oliver (a different Oliver, weirdly enough). We found ourselves in downtown Santa Cruz, hankering to see a movie. It so happened that it was a time of day when we had just missed all of the matinees but one – "Babe." I asked Oliver, “Well, how do you feel about seeing a talking pig movie at four in the afternoon.” “Fuck it, why not.” he said.
Soon we were sitting in a sea of little children. Right there in the center, and my friend Oliver is over 6 feet tall, just towering over all these tiny humans. Like all bad movies that turned out to be good, going in with low expectations helps. Ours were rock bottom. ...Then, with the introductory narration that describes the terrible misconceptions that pigs have about where the meat trucks take them (pig paradise), along with the creepy but beautifully lit shots from the pigs’ perspectives. We were sucked into a visually stunning world.
I remember midway through the film, there was this scene when the farmer and his wife have been contemplating whether they are going to have pork or duck for Christmas dinner. The question is left hanging suspensefully in the air. Then the film cuts to this scene where all of the farm animals are looking in on Christmas dinner through the window, and Ferdinand the duck looks in at the cooked duck on the table and says, “Her name was Rosanna. Why Rosanna? She had such a beautiful nature. The fear’s too much for a duck. It eats away at the soul. There must be kinder dispositions in far off gentler lands.” At which point I said to Oliver, “I think this might be the best movie I’ve ever seen.” And Oliver said, “I’m weeping.” I looked at him and there were indeed, tears streaming down his face. Amazing film. And the singing mice. Priceless.
3) THE SWEETEST THING
This was born of another frustrated night at Blockbuster. It seems that when the indecision gets too overwhelming, I opt for any damn crappy movie. This time around, it was "The Sweetest Thing," starring Cameron Diaz and Christina Applegate and Selma Blair. Okay, so more accurately, when I get overwhelmed I seem to opt for any damn crappy movie starring sexy women.
I think I was high when I saw this movie, which can help make any bad movie good (see: "Judge Dredd"). In this case, it was particularly helpful because the film’s humor is a very unexpected combination of dry and slapstick along with lots of locker room humor from a female perspective.
This movie stars Cameron Diaz as the kind of girl who just goes to clubs and teases guys, maybe brings one home, but keeps a safe distance from anything serious. One night at the club she meets a guy that she actually really likes. She messes up her chances with him, and the film becomes her quest to track him down. The beauty of this film is that it never takes itself seriously for a second, but it allows the viewer to think it just might be taking itself seriously… and then, No, not at all. It is ridiculous and fun.
4) JUDGE DREDD
Just kidding. Saw this high with my roommate, also. It was funny high, but only because it was soooooo bad. Or, if it was good in some way, I forget. But probably not. In fact, I almost think this movie doesn’t exist and I dreamed it. Starring Sylvester Stallone and Rob Schneider. What?!!! What??!!??
5) THE HOT CHICK
When I rented this movie, I think I was going through a phase of trying to figure out what the worst Rob Schneider movie ever made was – no easy task. (Sidebar: clearly I had too much time on my hands to even attempt such a sad endeavor.) Anyway, the premise of "The Hot Chick" is the classic, ancient magical item (in this case earrings) that causes two people to switch bodies… with hilarious results. In this case, Rob Schndeider is a second-rate criminal who switches bodies with a hot but bitchy teenage girl. They have one month to get their old bodies back or they will be trapped forever. Rob Schneider (or “Jessica” in Rob Schneider’s body) gets a job at her high school as a janitor to tell her friends that she is trapped in this guys body. And one of her friends ends up getting a crush on her AS A GUY which is weird.
Dare I say, this is the role that Rob Schneider was born to play? Something about watching him pretend to be an obnoxious California girl is incredibly satisfying. It’s sort of like the best part of his moments as a salesgirl at the Gap on SNL, stretched out over the length of a whole movie. Anyway, I expected bad things, but actually found myself laughing out loud throughout this movie. Though calling it “good” still might be a stretch…
Yeah, and as I watch clips of this movie, I am starting to wonder if drugs weren’t involved in this viewing experience as well…
6) JUST LIKE HEAVEN
So Mark Ruffalo plays a lonely architect who moves into a new apartment and meets the spirit of a sexy doctor played by Reese Witherspoon. They kind of fall in love, and he makes it his mission to find out why she is stuck in spirit form and trapped on this earth or whatever. I am not sure if this was a bad movie that turned out to be good, or it’s just one those movies that is on HBO every time you turn the TV on, and you watch it enough times over and it starts to seem endearing. And by the time you are watching it for the fourth time, you are strangely excited that it’s on, and you get a bowl of ice cream or whatever, and wait like a lonely middle-aged woman for the parts that make you teary-eyed. And I guess by “you” I mean, “me”.
Someone once told me that I reminded them of Mark Ruffalo. I am okay with that. He has a kind of down-to-earth charm that mellows out the potentially annoying buoyancy of Reese Witherspoon. Though in fairness, Ryan Phillipe was a dick to her and she didn’t deserve that.
7) THE LAST MIMZY
Okay, so I will admit, some part of me hoped that this movie would be good. I guess I just really liked all the geometric shapes in the trailer. I love complex geometric shapes. Anyway, this is the story about a future civilization who sends back some kids' toys through time to try and collect some genetic information to save the future. If you think about the plot too much, it does start to fall apart a little bit. Like, why did they send a teddy bear and not some detailed instructions? They were smart enough to send stuff back through time, but dumb enough that they just hoped that some really pure-hearted little girl would find these ‘future toys’ and figure out how to do really complex things with them? Also, there is this totally annoying new-age-y couple. And the male half of the couple is played by “Dwight” from “The Office”. But I digress…
Despite all these shortcomings, I really liked this movie. Why? Because, as it turns out, I get off on anything that portrays a greater human potential than our current lame-ass selves. As far as I am concerned, the time in our future when we are all telepathic and can levitate and such just can’t come fast enough. Come on! Let's make that happen. ...You know?
8) BRUCE ALMIGHTY
Okay, it’s not that I hate Jim Carrey. In fact, in a weird way I have the highest respect for him. I think every culture needs a Trickster/Fool to hold up a mirror to our own socially imposed ideas. It’s just that usually I find him annoying to watch, obnoxious, arrogant, etc.
So, in Bruce Almighty I didn’t expect anything less than the usual Jim Carrey show, starring Jim Carrey, with special guests, whoever accidentally gets in his limelight.
And, well, while this movie wasn’t really an exception, but he did tone it down a little bit, and it’s just hard to upstage Morgan Freeman as God. What is it about Morgan Freeman that he always gets these wise old man/God roles? I mean, I get it, I want him to be my grandfather and tell me stories and stuff, but still you’d think there would be one other working actor that could play God.
I especially like the part when Jim Carrey thinks he has messed up the whole world as God, and Morgan Freeman tells him he has only been the God of, like, 20 city blocks.
It was not, however, good enough to make me want to see “Evan Almighty”.
9) 8 MILE
Here's the hypothetical “pitch meeting” for this movie:
“Hey; here's an idea! Let’s make a biopic about a white rapper, starring the rapper as himself!”
“Oh... good idea. But you know what would be an equally a good idea? Taking a few million dollars and piling it up on the ground, throwing gasoline on it, and then setting that money on fire! ...You're fired. Will someone get this guy out of here, please?”
As it turned out I really liked this film. Even if Eminem was portraying himself, he still did a really good job as an actor. And it may have been Brittany Murphy’s strongest performance since “The Prophecy II.”
Also, the film taught us all a valuable lesson at the end – which is: if you can be so self-deprecating that there is absolutely nothing bad left to say about you, then you can have the satisfaction of daring people to say something bad about you that you haven’t said first.
10) BABE 2: PIG IN THE CITY
There was no way I would ever have seen this movie if it weren’t for the brilliance that was the first Babe movie. Even with that precedent set by the first one, I had my doubts – how can you improve on perfection? - and, indeed, the first time I saw "Babe 2," I was disappointed. It felt less well-crafted and it was much darker in its sensibilities. I am not opposed to dark films, but the first Babe was so joyous, and the second one… wasn’t. Also, the farmer, played by James Cromwell in the first one, has a much smaller role in the second one, and the first movie was largely carried by his charm.
But I decided to give it a second try, and watch it on its own terms… and it turned out that it was amazing on second viewing! There is a beautiful color palate, the film creates this hyper-real version of reality, and it plays like a children’s movie created by Fellini, robust with intricate and strange sets and a mad carnival of characters. Oh, and the chimpanzees are amazing. One of them is played by the ever-amusing, deadpan comedic stylings of Steven Wright. And there is this dramatic and haunting scene where one of the chimpanzees expresses his desires to be human by putting on human clothes in an emergency. Check it out. Above is a scene where this dog with no hind legs comes close to meeting his maker and Ferdinand the duck expresses his misgivings about pursuing some bad people…
--Jeremy
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15712#15712
|
Porn Stars on Super Tuesday
2/5/2008 10:45:05 AM
Still undecided? Let a bevy of beautiful porn stars help you out this Super Tuesday…Most of them, surprisingly, are aware there is an election going on today. They may not be sure who’s running, but they know there’s an election…Now get out there and vote!
–N.A.
Permalink : https://hooksexup.com/Hooksexupblog/Hooksexupvideo.aspx?id=144e15711#15711 |