Death Comes for Britney Spears! The Musical
2/8/2008 5:03:08 PM
What would happen if Death came for Britney Spears? Would he even be able to find her in her Coke bottle-strewn living room? During one of Britney’s earlier life-crises, writer Ben Greenman imagined just that, and wrote a little somethin’-somethin’ called "Fragments from Death Comes For Britney Spears! The Musical" for Gawker. (Has to be more entertaining than Spring Awakening, yo.) Filmmaker Erika Yeomans adapted said work into a short film…which resulted in this little gem, above.
Greenman is careful to point out that he “wrote the piece before she actually entered a mental hospital” and that “even if the piece is meant to make light of her almost cartoonish downward spiral, it's also intended to make the whole celebrity cycle look ridiculous, even the part of the cycle that includes writers and satirists.”
Ridiculous? The perfect day-dream? Screaming out for a sequel which features the UPS delivery dude? At least it ends with a good song…well, a song.
— N.A.
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This Man’s Pelvis, and a Children’s TV Show
2/8/2008 4:14:33 PM
Mates of State write a tell-all blog on our sister site Babble, about what it’s like to be a Band on the Run…with a kid in tow. Apparently said child had the effing stomach flu (eew) which resulted in days of puke (double-eew) and poor rock star mom having to watch this (eew-ha ha?):
In her own words: “Does this make anyone else laugh to the point of crying? Watch it with the sound off while he dances.” I’m just amused they teach intense pelvic thrusting so early nowadays…
— N.A.
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You Don't Know Jack.
2/8/2008 11:30:47 AM
...So the other day, the girl that I'm dating asked me, "Are you good at trivia?" Um. Yeah. In fact, sometimes I think that the only thing I'm good at is trivia. ...Want to know who fought in the Crimean War? The significance of the Defenestration of Prague? The names of the first six Roman Emperors? The first Best Picture winner at the Oscars? The author of the "The Way of All Flesh"? ...Got it.* Want to know something practical, like how to change a tire or catch a fish? Um, no.
(*Yeah, I know the answers. Look them up yourselves, though. I'm not your fucking search engine.)
I'm so good at trivia, in fact, that my friends used to cheat to keep me from winning at "Trivial Pursuit," and by "cheat" I mean "lie and say that my answers were wrong when really they were right." And I still won anyway. The only time that I ever lost at "Trivial Pursuit" was when I was playing "Strip Trivial Pursuit" with this girl, and I got distracted by her breasts. These stories are all true.
ANY-way, below is my favorite online trivia game that I wish was slightly funnier: "You Don't Know Jack." And as if to undercut everything that I've written above, my high score on the games below was... $16,000. Which isn't very good. Oh well. Can you beat my score? No doubt you can!
--Oliver Miller
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Friday Morning Round-Up
2/8/2008 8:39:40 AM
Here we go with your random pu-pu platter of videos for Friday, Feburary 8th, 2008. Enjoy...
1) Jason Alexander -- The New "McDLT". Ba ha ha! I dare you to resist this video from 1984. "Hot side hot! Cool side cool!" Awesome. I remember the "McDLT." It used revolutionary "styrofoam" technology to keep the hot side of the burger hot... until it started to cool off immediately. Meanwhile, on the other side, the cool side was kept cool, until it started to instantly warm up from being placed right next to the hot side. Not that any of this even slightly mattered, since you were just going to slap the two sides together and um... eat it. Thanks, McDonalds!
As an aside, I still miss the "Arch Deluxe." Remember that? That was going to be "the McDonalds hamburger for grown-ups." I think it featured, like, dijon mustard, or some such.
And as a really really obscure aside, I still miss the "Burger King Meatloaf Sandwich" from 1994. That was one special sandwich. Really, it was the perfect sandwich for when you were like, "Man; it's 11pm. If only I could get me some meatloaf... but how?"
Anyway. I digress.
2) Fox on the rocks. "Fox on the rocks" is the official title of this video according to YouTube. I only see one rock. I'm not quite sure what the fox is trying to do here, but I didn't know that foxes could hop. I think I really like that foxes can hop. By the way, if I ever write a "Dr. Suess"-style book, "Foxes Can Hop" will be my very first title.
3) "It's like the Mexican Hooters!" Here's a rare link to a video instead of the video itself. But it always kills me when local news stations report on "shockingly sexy events." ...KSAT-TV 12! In San Antonio! ...When there's a woman with big boobs gyrating, and some spare time to fill, KSAT-TV 12 will be there!
4) The Best Orthodox Jewish Rapper... Ever? I dunno. You try rhyming the word "Maccabi" with something. It's hard. Anyway, this video features a stirring defense of Israeli nationism, which I don't approve of as a Jew. In fact, I think Israel kind of really sucks. And I'm allowed to say that, 'cause I'm a Jew. ...Can't touch this!
But, this video does feature a guy with a beard rapping while wearing a Miami Heat jersey while standing among bamboo trees while ninja guys do back-flips behind him, and I highly approve of that. In fact, I might go watch this video again now.
5) Big Bird Learns About Breast-Feeding -- Sesame Street, 1987. I think the only way that this video could be improved on is the part where Big Bird asks if the baby eats anything other than breast milk. It would have been great if the lady had been like, "Well, in addition to breast milk, I also feed him the new 'McDLT'! From McDonalds! ...'McDLT!' Hot side hot! Cool side cool!" ...And then if she started tap dancing around with the baby for a while.
Anyway, that's enough out of me for now. More later.
--Oliver Miller
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"Vagina Power" Will Rock Your...Um...You Know...
2/7/2008 6:10:31 PM
In an alternate universe, Hotlanta cable access host Alexyss K. Tylor would put Oprah to a withering shame. In her bona fide viral classic, “Vagina Power,” Ms. Tylor cooked nuggets such as “with a penis all up in your vagina, man, you don’t have no defenses” to a golden crisp.
Her ghettofied version of female empowerment is a walking parody of Tim Meadows’ old Leon Phelps sketch, sans the intentional humor. In her latest Web offering, Ms. Tylor extols the virtues of washing out yer stank. “Their ass was off the motherfuckin’ Richter scale. It was fuming up the whole goddamn kitchen,” Taylor berates at one point.
Looks like Vagisil has a new spokesperson:
—Joey Hood
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The Best Part of Waking Up is Sexism in Your Cup!
2/7/2008 3:32:03 PM
My boyfriend likes to be an asshole and make sexist-ass jokes, so it was no surprise when he e-mailed me this 1950's Folgers commercial all of five minutes ago.
Everyone knows it's funny when a homemaker is saddled with verbal abuse by her domineering, chauvinist husband!
(Problem: it actually is kind of funny when it's a commercial from the Olden Times.)
I think I'm getting my man some Folgers instant coffee for Valentine's Day! That'll learn him.
--JGH
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Japanese "Geisha" Lesson (Super Duper NSFW)
2/7/2008 2:55:20 PM
So apparently there's a demand for Japanese-to-English instructional videos on how to talk dirty! It seems like a joke, but maybe I'm just too square for this new trend.
I'm not sure why the phrase "first rate c*nt lapping" is considered prime-sexy talk, but whatevs! This video is (un)intentionally funny, geisha style.
--JGH
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Rock of Love II: Get to Know the Girls
2/7/2008 2:24:01 PM
Haven’t been religiously DVR-ing Rock of Love II? Then perhaps you’re not familiar with Inna, whom I believe Bret once called “his Ukrainian love truck.” She slightly frightens me on the show, but somehow in the video, Megan—the hot Playboy-promotions girl—comes off as much, much creepier. Give me a love truck over a hot chick with a little dog and a creepy laugh any day…As for Ambre: can a normal girl actually win Bret’s heart? We hope not…for Ambre’s sake.
—N.A.
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Are You There, God? It's Me... Hillary.
2/7/2008 1:24:58 PM
Aw, man... What the hell happened? Super Tuesday came and went, and we still don't know what's going on. Okay, here's what we know. McCain won, Romney lost (possibly because every single person on the face of the earth finds him to be... creepy.) ...And then, Obama and Hillary... tied. Oh god.
IT'S NEVER GOING TO FUCKING END.
This is bad news for me, because I already don't like Hillary, and I already don't like her way too much... excessively too much, in fact, and I'd like to tone it down, but, oh, screw it. But I can't imagine that I'm going to like her any better before this thing is over. It's just going to get worse and worse.
But she just bugs me. Her patent insincerity bugs me. At least I feel like Obama is telling the truth 85% of the time. And John McCain, crazy ol' John McCain, he seems like he's telling the truth 90% of the time. You've got to give John McCain that; he's like, "Yeah I'll keep troops in Iraq for a hundred years if I feel like it, and the economy blows chunks right now, and by the way, fuck you." ...You've got to respect that. And when McCain says something that he knows isn't true -- like say, for example, "George W. Bush is a fine president" -- then he at least looks sort of visibly queasy and upset. So, there's that.
But I'd have to vote for Hillary over McCain in the general election. Sucks. I could never bring myself to vote for a Republican. I feel like my arm would magically drop off as I went to pull the lever, or like a hideous firey pit would open up beneath my feet. Sucks.
Anyway.
Dear God, please make this primary come to an end. And if it be thy will, deliver us from Hillary... and lead us into Obamanation. In thy name. Amen.
--Oliver Miller
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10 More of the Best "Good Bad" Movies.
2/7/2008 12:28:32 AM
Now that Jeremy's gotten to go, it's my turn. Here's my list of the best "movies that looked like they were gonna be awful, but then turned out to be really good." Enjoy...
---
1) KICKING AND SCREAMING
No, not the shitty one starring Will Ferrell... the other one. Yes, they have the same title; yes, it's confusing. I know, I know.
So this is the first movie by Noah Baumbaugh, who eventually become famous for directing "The Squid and the Whale." Anyway: so here's the plot of the movie. Grover goes out with Jane; Jane dumps him to go to Prague for a year; Grover gets depressed and hangs out with his friends for the summer. Sounds like the worst movie ever, right? Sounds like every horrible short story written in English 101 by some slacker, right? No. It's the best movie of all time. It's so good, in fact, that I couldn't even limit myself to one clip, so we have two, above. I still remember seeing this movie, in Georgetown, in 1996, and walking out of the theater with my date, and being dazzled by how funny, honest, and true it all was... as the two of us walked back to college, in the crispy fall air.
Anyway. It's also worth noting that after seeing this film, I eventually did move to Prague, like in this movie, and I got a degree in creative writing, just like in this movie, and I went out with a series of hot writer girls who dumped me, just like in the movie. Perhaps I took this film too much to heart? Nah. That's not possible.
2) JUST ONE OF THE GUYS
Here's another terrible premise for a movie: A girl decides to pose undercover as a boy in high school so that she can write an newspaper article about sexism. Gosh, what a wacky idea! And it's a movie from 1984! Uggh... it's another awful 80s teen movie!
Nope. This movie is great. It's surprisingly touching and sweet. And it gets bonus points for featuring That Evil Blond Guy from "Karate Kid" as the bad guy, a role in which he always excels. The girl who plays the lead -- Joyce Hyser is her name -- should have become famous forever afterwards as a result of this movie. Instead, no one has ever heard of this thing. Oh well.
...By the way, the best line in the movie? "It's okay. He has tits." ...Just trust me.
3) THE 40 YEAR-OLD VIRGIN
I know... I know. Everyone knows that this is a good movie already. But man, my old girlfriend had to drag me to see this thing on a Friday night. I was like, "We get to do whatever I want next Friday, right?" It just sounded like an awful idea for a movie. An old guy, trying to have sex! And he's a virgin! And it's got a terrible title! Oh, yay.
The key here, as in the movies above -- and this seems to be kind of a running theme -- is that though this movie is funny, it's also surprisingly gentle, and it's humor comes from unexpected places. I thought it would be two hours of people making fun of an old virgin guy. But on the contrary, everyone in the movie likes the virgin guy, and just wants to help him. That's way more surprising, and makes everything oh so much better. And just I love the above clip, from the end of the movie: "Mystic crystal revelations!" Oh my god. That kills me.
4) ENTRAPMENT
I tried for a while to think of how to explain that this movie is good; then I gave up. You'll just have to trust me. It's a heist movie, it stars Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones, and it somehow manages to overcome the fact that they have sex in the movie, even though Sean Connery is 38 years older than her. Ugh! But it works. And I almost cried at the end of this movie the first time around -- at the scene where Sean is sitting alone in a train, and he suddenly looks so lonesome and old and bereft...
Um. I highly regret telling you that I almost cried at this movie. Anyway, since I can't explain why this movie is good, the clip above just features slo-mo shots of Catherine Zeta-Jones's ass. Hopefully that'll be enough to entice you.
5) CASINO ROYALE
I've seen every James Bond movie. I don't know why. There are about thirty of them, and only two of the movies are good. This one is good, and "Goldfinger" is good. And "Goldfinger" isn't even very good. So only this one is good. That's a one in thirty shot of this being a good movie, which is... what? I can't do math. Five percent odds? Also, I really really really want to sleep with Eva Green from this movie. It's a stupid dream of mine, 'cause it's not going to happen, but still, I persist.
6) ALIEN 3
Now we enter the realm of really weird movies that I like that no one else likes. For example: "Alien 3." This movie is great in parts, and unimaginably terrible in others. As a example of this, you need look no further than the above (overly long) clip, which features a beautiful speech that I've thought of ever since, and which then completely ruins the scene by killing the character for no earthly reason. Bizarre.
7) K-9
The odds of Jim Belushi being in an actual good movie -- and that movie being a cop buddy picture featuring a dog as his partner -- the odds of that actually happening must be mathematically insignificant; close to the probability of there being, say, a third term of George W. Bush's presidency.
And yet, here we are. It's a movie. Jim Belushi is funny in it. The dog is great. And it's good. I was actually so embarrassed to put this movie on my list that I had to call my friend Jeremy about it. And he was like: "I love that movie too!" So. You see? I'm not the only crazy one here. ...Although, now that I'm watching this trailer again, it looks awful. So maybe my friend and I are just idiots. That's also always possible.
8) MULHOLLAND DRIVE
I hate David Lynch, I hate fucking pretentious artsy movies, and yet I like this film. Go fucking figure. By the way, this is the only movie I've ever seen where I got in a fight after leaving the theater. There was a big crowd waiting, and someone shouted to us as we came out, "So how was it?"
"Great!" my girlfriend and I said.
"Terrible!" said the guy right next to me.
And then that guy and I got in a -- uh -- spirited debate about the movie, and eventually started to physically -- um -- tussle. I feel like that's a good sign.
9) AUSTIN POWERS, INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY
"Hey, so, um, do you wanna go see that new Mike Myers movie?"
"Remind me again... what was the last movie that he was in?"
"Ummmm... 'So I Married an Axe Murderer.'"
"I think I'd rather fucking die."
"...Yeah. ...I think that you're right."
(Note: I know that the scene above is from the third, not the first movie. But the scene is way too funny to not post here.)
10) SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION
"Hey, so do you, uh, want to go see the first movie that Will Smith's ever appeared in?"
"Remind me again... what's the only thing that he's ever been in, up until now?"
"Um. 'The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.'"
"I think that I'd rather fucking die."
"Right."
--Oliver Miller
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