...In honor of Valentine's Day, here's yet another list. Man, what would we bloggers ever write about if it weren't for lists? ...Know what I'm saying?
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THE TOP TEN CRAPPY LOVE SONGS
1) Spice Girls: "2 Become 1" ...Man, is anyone else disappointed that the Spice Girls Reunion got cancelled because of Posh or Ginger or whoever? I know that I am. Anyway, you might think that I'm joking about liking this song, but sadly, no. I liked it so much that I shoplifted the cassette single from Wal-Mart, back in the day. That was back when we had things like "cassettes," and "singles." I was twenty-one and I was poor, so that's why I stole it. Anyway, I like this one, and my favorite Spice Girl, as always, is Posh, 'cause she's the hottest. I think that my name, if I was a Spice Girl, would probably be Scrappy Spice. Or Happy Spice. Or Crazy Spice. One of the three, definitely.
Bonus note about this song: Yes, the lyric "Get a little bit wiser, baby/ ...Put it on, put it on..." is in fact a plea for more people to have safe sex via using condoms. See? It's a great song and it's socially relevant.
2) Bonnie Tyler: "Total Eclipse of the Heart" Because it's seventeen minutes long. And it's sung by a Welsh chick. And it contains the lyrics "Once upon a time, I was fallin' in love/ Now I'm only fallin' apart." ...Indeed. And haven't we all felt that way, at one time or another?
3) Peter Gabriel: "In Your Eyes" I don't know if this actually qualifies as a "bad song" or not, but it was my high school prom song, which gives you a pretty good indication of how really fucking old I am. So, there's that.
Also, I always misheard the lyrics to this song, and I thought they went: "When I want to RUN a-way/ I'd RATHER in your eye-ees..." Nope! The correct lyrics are: "When I want to run away/ I drive off in my car." Lame. My fake lyrics are way better! I had imagined this whole poetic vision of him staring into his lover's eyes, and seeing his reflection, receeding into her eyes, hence, "Running off in her eyes." But no. I was wrong. Sucks.
And since this song is from the movie "Say Anything," I HAVE TO include my discussion of that movie from my old dating blog. Yeah, it's really long, but it's worth it:
I have a long complicated theory about "Say Anything" that involves it being created on purpose just to screw up sensitive guys like me and make them act even lamer, or more lame, or more lamely. So the message of "Say Anything" is: if your cute girlfriend dumps you for no apparent reason, sacrifice all dignity and self-respect, leave 10,000 messages on her answering machine, don't ever attempt to date anyone else ever again, and stand outside in the pouring rain while holding a boombox over your head...
Really? And this is a good idea how? I mean, yeah, great movie, and it works in the movie, and it's a beautiful idea in theory -- but this is the kind of thing that I would do when I was eighteen and it NEVER EVER EVER EVER REALLY WORKS IN REAL LIFE.
And for people who will write in protesting that I'm a jaded cynic and they love Lloyd D.... Hey, I love Lloyd too, man. But if you had just dumped someone and no longer were answering their phone calls, and you woke up at 3am to the sound of music playing outside and looked out the window, and saw your ex... standing in the rain. Well. Would you be charmed? Or more than a little creeped out?
By the way, my favorite line from "Say Anything" is from when he's driving around in the rain talking insanely into his tape-recorder and he says, "The rain falling on the roof of my car is like a BAPTISM. I'm born again." So overwrought-funny. Never fails to crack me up.
I'm also still waiting for "Say Anything II: The Revenge" to come out, so that we can see Diane dump Lloyd for an English art student after two weeks like would really happen in real life, and also see Mr. Court escape from jail for tax evasion and, uh, kill a bunch of people. Come on! Like you wouldn't pay money to see that!
Very final "Say Anything" note: back when I was (very briefly) a telemarketer, we all had to make fake phone names up and so I would call up people at dinnertime and say, "Hello, Mr. Jones, this is Lloyd Dobler calling you from Bank of America, and..."
I was very quickly fired from this job, because if people were really mean to me on the phone, I would send them "Bank of America" credit cards with hilarious fake names on them, like -- IMA REDNECK, IMA DOOFUS... etc. And then my bosses found out and fired me. I believe I was about twenty years old at the time...
Man, I think I used to be funnier than I am now. Either that, or I had a lot more spare time in which to write funny stuff.
4) Kermit the Frog: "The Rainbow Connection" Okay, I don't know if this qualifies as a love song or not. This list may be slowly eliding into plain old "Bad Songs That I Like." Anyway, have you
listened to this song lately? Here are some of the lyrics:
Have you been half-asleep?
And have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name...
Is this is the sweet sound
That calls the young sailors?
I've heard it too many times to ignore it;
It's something that I'm supposed to be...
Jesus Christ! That's fucking
poetry. That's fucking T.S. Eliot, you know what I'm saying?
BEST SONG BY A FROG EVER.
Additional Bonus Story: One time, I was standing in line at Starbucks, and this song came on in the store, except it was an alt-rock remake by Sleater-Kinney, or some bullshit like that, and I was really annoyed, and so I turned around and said -- "Jesus Christ. Kermit the Frog must be rolling over in his grave" -- which was kind of a really funny thing to say, except I randomly said it to the hot girl standing in line behind me, and she looked appalled, and then I remembered that you don't really just start talking to strangers like that, and I was like: "Sorry." But it was too late.
5) Third Eye Blind: "How's It Gonna Be" Again, is this really a love song? I dunno. By the way -- fun fact about me: you might think that this is my actual real job and that I get paid millions of dollars to write these funny blogs and that I live in a cool penthouse somewhere, but actually, I'm a student and I have two other jobs, and sometimes I just have to write these blogs really really quickly in about twenty minutes. That's just a fun fact about me. Anyway. "How's It Gonna Be." Ahhh, Third Eye Blind. 1997. Good times. ...My friend Tiffany and I were totally obsessed with this song, back in the day; so obsessed, in fact, that we tried to learn all the lyrics, including the lyrics to the "emotional part" where he starts kind of screaming. I knew them at one point, but now I sort of forget. But it's my favorite part of the song, anyway. "I WANNA GIVE MYSELF THE KEY TO YEW! THE SOFT SWEET BLEEAGH OF YOUR SKIN. THE BLEAGH AAGGH BLOOOO OF OBLIVION! BLEAH BLAH BLOO!" ...Or something like that.
6) Madonna: "Drowned World/Substitute for Love" This probably isn't a bad song either, but it's by Madonna, and according to a recent U.S. Fifth Circuit Appellate ruling, you're allowed to put any Madonna song on a bad song list, no matter what. Are these jokes even making any sense, at this point? I give up.
7) Alannah Myles: "Black Velvet" Alannah Myles was fucking
hot. Whatever happened to her, anyway? She was hot
and she was Canadian. I saw her sing the Canadian national anthem before a baseball game one time, and that was the only time -- ever -- that the Canadian national anthem could have been accurately described as "sexy."
O, Canada! My home and na-tive laaand! Hot!
8) Edie Brickell & The New Bohemians: "Circle" God... I had to dig deep into my memory banks for this one. Back in the day, I never even knew who this song was by. But "Google" solved that problem for me. Thanks, "Google"!
9) Monica: "Angel of Mine" Holy crap. Now I'm really starting to get embarrased. Is this list almost over yet?
10) All Saints: "Never Ever" ...Ummmmm. All Saints were sort of like the Spice Girls, only much hotter. Surprisingly, that wasn't enough for them, though. Anyway, I love the terrible spoken-word rapping in this song, and also the adorable English use of the word "Zed". Cute!
And that's it? Am I done now? Thank god. I'm never doing this again.
--Oliver Miller
coming next: I might take the day off tomorrow. This blog was incredibly fucking long. Jesus Christ. But maybe I'll write something tomorrow. You never know...