The Top Five "Bad Good" Movies.
2/19/2008 12:45:16 PM
In a reverse of our previous listing procedure, here's the top five movies that looked like they were gonna be good... but then turned out to be really bad instead. Enjoy!
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1) Elizabethtown
Oh man. The hallmark of any "Bad Good" movie is that it features certain sections that are amazing... and then the whole thing dissolves into meaningless garbage. For example: the first fifteen minutes of this movie are incredible and hilarious. The main character loses his job, because he's created a new type of running shoe that sucks, and has cost his company $972 million dollars. (And Alec Baldwin has the great line: "You know, funny thing about that number. If you round that up, it's almost a billion dollars. Heh. See, that's the funny thing. You've almost lost my company a billion dollars. That's funny, right?")
...Then the lead guy's hot girlfriend dumps him, and he decides to go home and kill himself by duct-taping a hunting knife to an exercise machine, which is the most brilliant, and least effective suicide device of all time. And this is all really good and funny.
...And then, suddenly, it turns into a movie about the guy's dead dad. Except we never meet the dad or see him for longer than five seconds, so we never care at all! Yay. And then the movie just gets weirder and worse. It's like four different movies scotch-taped together. Wacky southern relatives! Road trip! Susan Sarandon tap-dancing! Kirsten Dunst as the least believable romantic lead of all time!
And then, in a magnificantly annoying move, this movie features an incredibly funny, profound and moving speech at the end that almost made me cry. Just to remind us all that it could have been a really great movie!
I left the theater feeling dazed and angry and confused. I felt like I had just been jumped in a dark alley by a gang of Mexican kids. Great movie! Terrible movie! Great movie again. I was like: "...Zuh? What the hell... just happened?"
2) The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
This is sort of an identically incredibly frustrating movie. It's about Steve Zissou's quest to avenge the death of his best friend... except that we only meet the best friend for five seconds... so again, we don't care at all. This movie does a great job of frustrating any and all expectations that you might have for it. It has a great premise, throws a bunch of fascinating characters together, and then proceeds to throw the whole thing away for the sake meaningless non-sequiturs and sight gags. Pirates! Leeches! Espresso machine! David Bowie! Random gay jokes! Arrrrrrrrrrgh.
Look at this scene below -- it's such a great, great scene. I'll remember it forever. But it's stuck in the middle of this completely nonsensical movie! ...Son of a bitch! Okay, I'm starting to get really mad now. ...I'm going to stop talking about this now.
3) The Matrix Reloaded
This movie is a sequel. I understand that it must be difficult to make sequels sometimes. In the case of "The Matrix" though, it should have been easy to make a sequel. Everything takes place in the Matrix! An imaginary realm where anything can happen! So the sequel could be whatever you wanted it to be! It could be totally awesome! I can't stop using exclamation points!
Instead, for some reason here, the directors were like, "Hey, instead of making a really good sequel, let's make a standard awful action movie sequel that's exactly like the first one, only worse. And instead of having new stuff happen, we'll just have the characters recite their same catch-phrases from the first movie. The audience should love that!"
And I also really hate it when it's clear that I've spent more time thinking about a movie that its directors have. Once again, nothing in this movie seems to have anything to do with anything else. Ghosts! Nine-minute dance scene! Um... Vampires? Italian chick! French guy! Boring German guy who lives in a different dimension! Once again, I'm starting to get mad here, so I'm gonna stop.
4) Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace
You guys already know my feelings about "Star Wars," so I'll make this quick. But yet another hallmark of a "Bad Good" movie is a trailer that looks good, but turns out to have nothing to do with the movie itself.
For example: in the case of "The Phantom Menace," after seeing the trailer, you might be forgiven for thinking that it's going to be, like, a taut political thriller set in outer space. Nope! Wrong! Instead, it's a movie about a whiny five-year old, and a computer-generated salamander who falls over and makes fart jokes a lot. Ugh.
5) Cold Mountain
Great book, great director, great actors... terrible movie. Classic. Once again, did anyone think about this movie for longer than five seconds? Why set a film in the deep south, and then hire an Australian chick, an English dude, and an Irish guy to play the lead characters? Maybe a bad idea? You think? Why center a whole movie around a love story between two characters who seem to barely like each other? ...And this whole blog is just basically me bitching and moaning, isn't it? I'm sorry. I'll stop now. The next blog will be funnier, promise.
--Oliver Miller
coming next: ???
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First Came Karaoke, Then Came Internet Infamy...
2/19/2008 12:42:00 PM
I used to go to karaoke bars on the regular. They’re fun, we were drunk, life was good. But now I am absolutely terrified that someone out there might have been recording, waiting for me to do something like this, and put it on the internet, thus ruining my upcoming presidential bid.
Of course, I can take some comfort in the fact that she knew she was being recorded, and gave it the go-ahead. But still. Sing with one eye open, y’all.
—Caitlin M.
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Dork in Chief
2/19/2008 11:37:35 AM
I was a little loathe to post the below video, because the latest charge being used against the Obama campaign is that his supporters -- like me! -- are just shallow, moronic "kids" who are supporting him because he's "cool." As though a presidental candidate is like a new type of Ipod or something.
First of all, that argument is... dumb. Second of all, it illustrates the fact that Hillary supporters can't really think of anything bad to say about Obama, so they're going to attack the people who like him. And third -- hey, good idea! Let's attack and discourage young people because they're actually excited about a presidental candidate. Super!
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But, with all of that said, I have to admit that the Hillary campaign is finally right about one thing. Obama is cool. And Hillary is a dork. And as proof, here's one of her campaign promotional videos, which manages to combine the worst elements of, oh, let's say, the worst high school dance of all time, a toothpaste commerical from 1982, and some bizarre Midwestern cultish religion. Enjoy!
"This lady knows how to l-ead! In this president's race she will... succ-eeeed!" Yeah! By the way, Hillary, my election year pledge to you still stands. I'll stop writing blogs making fun of you, as soon as you stop manufacturing fake scandals, stop lying about your own record, stop lying about Senator Obama's record, and stop trying to manipulate the electoral system to suppress the democratic will of the American people. ...Deal? Deal. You can write me on "Hotmail" or leave a message for me here at the Hooksexup offices. Let me know.
--Oliver Miller
coming next: The Best "Bad Good" Movies.
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Squirrel Melts: Just Like Mom Used to Make
2/19/2008 10:57:39 AM
[Many thanks to TVCarnage.]
I’m conflicted. Even as a lapsed vegetarian, I still have some high-falutin’ notions about eating meat. But these people are eschewing agribusiness, which is good, right? And I’m also what you might call an every-part-of the-buffalo kind of gal – if you’re going to take the time and energy to tote a gun out into the woods and shoot something, you may as well put it to use.
That said, the words “squirrel” and “melt” have never, ever come together in my brain before now, and I’m pretty sure I liked it better that way.
—Caitlin M.
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Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis
2/19/2008 10:52:18 AM
I just…there is just so much awkward here.
—Caitlin M.
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"What I Should Have Said Was Nothing."
2/18/2008 11:06:53 AM
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Snuggly the Security Bear explains warrentless wiretapping.
2/18/2008 10:01:24 AM
By my favorite political cartoonist, Mark Fiore. It's Snuggly the Security Bear! Explaining the Bush Adminstration's unconstitutional expansion of the FISA Act! Remember: it's not "illegal" ...it's "love."
--Oliver Miller
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The 10 Most Ridiculous Things about the Beyonce Experience...
2/15/2008 12:38:14 PM
Wishes you a happy Friday, vibrating hips 'n ass style.
Don't ask! Just watch.
--JGH
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Friday Morning Round-Up
2/15/2008 11:33:55 AM
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Indiana Jones and the Ohmigod I'm Starting to Get Really Excited Now...
2/15/2008 11:10:09 AM
As if to redeem themselves from the hellish misery that was the "Star Wars" prequels, George Lucas and Steven Spielburg bring us... this...
Enjoy. (...Oh, and my favorite line: "Damn, I thought that was closer." Good stuff.)
--Oliver Miller
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