The Hooksexup Video Blog: Deep, Deep Inside The World of Online Video

1) The Empire Strikes Back



Easy. Not only is this the best sequel of all time, it's also the best movie of all time. ...This was one of the first movies that I ever saw as a kid, and at the time, I believed that they had actually traveled to outer space planets to film it. Actually, I still sort of believe that, in a weird way...



2) Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

(Update -- 2/23/08: I didn't watch the first video that I posted here, not all the way through, anyway. But when I did finally watch it today... it edited the scene! It changed the chronology. Out-fucking-rageous! You do NOT get to fuck with "Star Trek II." Why not just paint over the ceiling of the Sistene Chapel while you're at it? Anyway, here's a new clip.)



Easy. Not only is this the best sequel of all time, it's also the best movie of all time, and... Oh wait. Shit. Okay, so which is better? "The Empire Strikes Back" or "The Wrath of Khan"? I'm going to give "Star Wars" the very slight edge here, for this simple reason: if you're obsessed with "Star Wars," as I am, you still have a 5% chance of getting a girlfriend. But if you're obsessed with "Star Trek," those odds go down to 1%. And I'd like to point out for the record that I'm not obsessed with "Star Trek." In fact, I hate everything Trek-related, except for this one movie. That means I'm still cool... right? ...No?

As an aside, I'd like to mention that the most exciting part of going to grad school for creative writing for me was not meeting Dave Eggers or Lorrie Moore or Billy Collins or Michael Cunningham or that guy who wrote "The Corrections." No, the most exciting part about grad school for me was when I found out that my fiction professor had taught Nicholas Myers -- the guy who wrote and directed "Star Trek II."

"What was he like?" I said, eagerly.

"He was fat," my professor said.

So there you go.

...As an additional aside, one time I was hanging out with my friend Dan, and our friend Steve called, and we didn't feel like talking to him right then, and so I was like, "Let him eat static!" And then we started cracking up for five minutes, and we were both like, "What's that from? What's that from?" ...Duh. It's from the scene above.



3) Aliens



Oh man, here's another tough debate. Which is better? "Aliens" or "Terminator 2"? They're both by James Cameron, they're both good movies... so which one? "Aliens" gets the slight nod, for one reason. The soliders are sent to the planet to rescue the innocent colonists, right? And then they instantly get their asses kicked by the Aliens, right? Well, I love how their first reaction is: "Fuck the innocent colonists; let's just nuke the entire planet and get the hell out of here." And then that's what they try to do. Awesome. I like it when characters in a movie are just as cowardly as I would be in the same situation.



4) Terminator 2: Judgement Day



I couldn't actually think of anything funny to say about this movie. That's pretty weird, considering that it stars Arnold Schwarzenegger. ...But, well, here we are.



5) The Godfather, Part II



...I guess. I've never managed to watch it the whole way through. People like it, though, so I'll put it up here to be on the safe side. I don't really get Mafia movies, I'll admit it. Can't Al Pacino just, like, retire and get someone to be Godfather in his place? Doesn't he have enough money? I know that's probably a stupid question, but it's what I think about when I watch these movies. Also, my mom looks exactly like Diane Keaton in these movies, so that distracts me too, and kind of creeps me out, to be honest.



6) Spiderman 2



Not only is this definitively better than the first "Spiderman" movie, but it was written by one of my favorite writers, the novelist Michael Chabon. ...Yeah. Here's the last paragraph from my favorite book by him; his debut novel, "The Mysteries of Pittsburgh":



Yeah. ...Good shit, no? And his writing works perfectly for the story of Spiderman, whose tale, after all, is all about longing and loss. ...And then, of course, for some reason, the studio didn't hire Michael Chabon to write "Spiderman 3." ...Because you wouldn't want a Pulitzer-Prize winning author like that working on your movie. ...And in an entirely unrelated development, "Spiderman 3" turned out to... suck. Craziness! Didn't see that one coming.



7) Superman II



My favorite part of this movie is when Superman has sex with Lois Lane. No, I mean, that's a little gross. I don't like seeing them having sex; that's disgusting. But when he has sex with her, he does it on a circular silver SuperBed. ...That's one bad-ass bed, and I want it. Also, he flies to South America to pick her fresh fruit for breakfast after they've done it. ...And I think stuff like this is why I'm always a little disappointed with my sexual partners. They never do things like that.



8) Return of the Jedi



People have some sort of crazy problem with this movie, and I don't get it. Why? Because of the Ewoks? What's wrong with the Ewoks? They're tiny, they're teddy-bear-ish, they advance the plot. What's the big fucking deal? So let me get this straight... You have no problem with a beeping trash can robot, a gay butler robot, a howling monkey-dog thing, and whiny-ass Luke Skywalker, but you have some sort of crazy problem with the Ewoks? Whatever. I don't get it.

Also, at the end of the scene above, if I was the Death Star Captain guy, and Darth Vadar said to me, "...The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am," my response would be--

"You're fucking kidding me! You're the most evil person I've ever met. You're the most evil person in the galaxy. You've strangled to death the five people who had this job before me! And my actual boss is worse than you? ...That's it. I quit! GAWD. This a terrible job! I mean, my Gawwwwwd..."



9) Rocky IV




You think I'm kidding? You wish that I was kidding. It features Sylvester Stallone AND that black guy AND a talking robot AND Brigitte Nielsen AND James Brown AND that huge Russian guy. And it has a scene where Rocky gets into shape by lifting rocks and a scene where Rocky is driving around being sad in his Lamborghini while sad 80s music plays. It's just a great, great movie.

Plus, Sylvester Stallone apparently wrote this entire movie in four days, by dictating the script aloud to his girlfriend. No way! After watching this movie, I would have guessed that it took him five days, minimum.

Plus, I've never seen any of the other "Rocky" movies. Are they any good?



10) The Karate Kid, Part II



Nope! Still not kidding. I like this movie. Two really good parts: how Daniel doesn't go to college because instead, he wants to visit Okinawa with his buddy Mr. Miyagi. ...Interesting decision, dude! Also, the actress who played the girlfriend in the first movie didn't want to be in the second movie, so within the first thirty seconds, Mr. Miyagi is like, "Hey, so what happened to your girlfriend, anyway?" And Daniel is like: "She... um... moved to Europe... or died... or something." Or something like that.

Also, I love the scene where Daniel is involved in a death match, and Mr. Miyagi shouts out: "Daniel-san! This not a tournament! This for real!" ...Yes! Thank you for pointing that out, Mr. Miyagi! It's almost like you're narrating... or something.

And finally, in order to see this movie again, I had to go to the video store with my friend Kerry. And then I had to go to the front desk and be like: "Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... Do you -- um -- have 'The Karate Kid, Part II'?" And it was easily one of the most embarrasing moments of my life. Easily.

Probably. Although nothing could be as funny as the "White Rabbit" video, to be honest...

...I think that I'm staring to get weird about cats. Just this morning, I was talking to my cat, and I was like, "Dude, you're totally awesome, right? I just want you to know that... right? You rock." That's not a normal person thing to do, now is it? In fact, that's a crazy person thing to do, right?

Anyway, here's a video of a kitten in a box. Fuck yeah.

...So it's pouring down rain outside, I'm late for class, my internet is being weird, and my cat is curled up on my bed giving me one of those looks like: "Hey, if you just didn't have opposable thumbs and were a cute furry animal like me, you could stay home all day and sleep and chase dust bunnies. But instead, you have to go study Federal Criminal Law for two hours. ...So suck it, bitch."

Stupid fucking cat. But she's right. ...She's right.

ANY-way, you probably didn't need to know all of that about me. So here's a video of the whole Star Trek gang, doing mind-altering drugs and getting all fucked up the way that they like. Enjoy!





I'm going to class now. More later.

...Here's "The Whitest Kids U' Know" once again, with the charmingly named "Hitler Rap." "...My name is 'A'... And I'm back in command... And now the 'SS' on my jacket stands for 'Super Smooth'..."





I'm not going to get fired for this, am I? ...And here's the original video that I was looking for. Let's just get this over with:


The Beat Kids, featuring "Lil' Hilter":




..Don't fire me for this, Hooksexup! Actually, you dudes can't fire me for this... 'cause I'm Jewish. Nyah nyah! ...Can't touch this!

Hey! It's that fine young comedy group, "The Whitest Kids U' Know." The thing I like about this skit is that it gets exponentially funnier towards the end. Just stick it out until the blue screen part. Just trust me.

...Ladies and Gentlemen, do you suffer from Irritable Bush Syndrome (IBS)? ...Do you wake up each morning and say to yourself, "Gosh but our country seems to be run by a moronic little troll who lives in a dream-world of his own devising." ...Well, fret no more, my friends! Because DOCTOR OBAMA has got the prescription for your daily blues:





Fuck yeah! You want the best, you got the best! Obama's back, bitches!

Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

___

Sorry, I'm just getting a little wound up. Y'all know what happened last night, right? Obama won his tenth primary in a row, his twenty-fifth overall, and defeated Hillary Clinton by fifteen points in a state that she was supposed to win.

Here's clips from the three speeches that the presidental candidates gave last night. My favorite moment comes about three minutes and twenty seconds in...





Fuck yeah!

I feel giddy as a schoolgirl.

In fact, I feel the way about "President Obama" that I feel -- well, for example, I feel the same way that I do when I've convinced a pretty girl to sleep with me. You're in a bar, she's touching your knee and flipping her hair, and you're like: "Oh my god. This person is going to sleep... with me!" And then, if you're, say, me, your mind starts to wander and you start to panic. And you start thinking to yourself: "...No way, no way, no way is this cute stranger going home with me. Something will happen to prevent that from happening. Like, the bar will be crushed by an oncoming meteorite. Or we'll be attacked by terrorists on the way home. Or she'll suddenly decide to join the circus. Something will happen to keep this good thing from happening to me."

Well, that's how I feel about "Captain Awesome" ...errrr, I mean "Barack Obama." It looks like he's going to be the next president of these United States, which is... words fail me... really really really good. But at the same time, now that we're so close, I'm starting to get paranoid. What weird thing will happen to prevent this good thing from happening?

But no.

It's really going to happen.

Fuck it.

I'm not worrying anymore.

We're going to win. And by "we" I mean: "everyone."

1) Elizabethtown



Oh man. The hallmark of any "Bad Good" movie is that it features certain sections that are amazing... and then the whole thing dissolves into meaningless garbage. For example: the first fifteen minutes of this movie are incredible and hilarious. The main character loses his job, because he's created a new type of running shoe that sucks, and has cost his company $972 million dollars. (And Alec Baldwin has the great line: "You know, funny thing about that number. If you round that up, it's almost a billion dollars. Heh. See, that's the funny thing. You've almost lost my company a billion dollars. That's funny, right?")

...Then the lead guy's hot girlfriend dumps him, and he decides to go home and kill himself by duct-taping a hunting knife to an exercise machine, which is the most brilliant, and least effective suicide device of all time. And this is all really good and funny.

...And then, suddenly, it turns into a movie about the guy's dead dad. Except we never meet the dad or see him for longer than five seconds, so we never care at all! Yay. And then the movie just gets weirder and worse. It's like four different movies scotch-taped together. Wacky southern relatives! Road trip! Susan Sarandon tap-dancing! Kirsten Dunst as the least believable romantic lead of all time!

And then, in a magnificantly annoying move, this movie features an incredibly funny, profound and moving speech at the end that almost made me cry. Just to remind us all that it could have been a really great movie!

I left the theater feeling dazed and angry and confused. I felt like I had just been jumped in a dark alley by a gang of Mexican kids. Great movie! Terrible movie! Great movie again. I was like: "...Zuh? What the hell... just happened?"



2) The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou



This is sort of an identically incredibly frustrating movie. It's about Steve Zissou's quest to avenge the death of his best friend... except that we only meet the best friend for five seconds... so again, we don't care at all. This movie does a great job of frustrating any and all expectations that you might have for it. It has a great premise, throws a bunch of fascinating characters together, and then proceeds to throw the whole thing away for the sake meaningless non-sequiturs and sight gags. Pirates! Leeches! Espresso machine! David Bowie! Random gay jokes! Arrrrrrrrrrgh.

Look at this scene below -- it's such a great, great scene. I'll remember it forever. But it's stuck in the middle of this completely nonsensical movie! ...Son of a bitch! Okay, I'm starting to get really mad now. ...I'm going to stop talking about this now.





3) The Matrix Reloaded



This movie is a sequel. I understand that it must be difficult to make sequels sometimes. In the case of "The Matrix" though, it should have been easy to make a sequel. Everything takes place in the Matrix! An imaginary realm where anything can happen! So the sequel could be whatever you wanted it to be! It could be totally awesome! I can't stop using exclamation points!

Instead, for some reason here, the directors were like, "Hey, instead of making a really good sequel, let's make a standard awful action movie sequel that's exactly like the first one, only worse. And instead of having new stuff happen, we'll just have the characters recite their same catch-phrases from the first movie. The audience should love that!"

And I also really hate it when it's clear that I've spent more time thinking about a movie that its directors have. Once again, nothing in this movie seems to have anything to do with anything else. Ghosts! Nine-minute dance scene! Um... Vampires? Italian chick! French guy! Boring German guy who lives in a different dimension! Once again, I'm starting to get mad here, so I'm gonna stop.



4) Star Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Menace



You guys already know my feelings about "Star Wars," so I'll make this quick. But yet another hallmark of a "Bad Good" movie is a trailer that looks good, but turns out to have nothing to do with the movie itself.

For example: in the case of "The Phantom Menace," after seeing the trailer, you might be forgiven for thinking that it's going to be, like, a taut political thriller set in outer space. Nope! Wrong! Instead, it's a movie about a whiny five-year old, and a computer-generated salamander who falls over and makes fart jokes a lot. Ugh.



5) Cold Mountain



Great book, great director, great actors... terrible movie. Classic. Once again, did anyone think about this movie for longer than five seconds? Why set a film in the deep south, and then hire an Australian chick, an English dude, and an Irish guy to play the lead characters? Maybe a bad idea? You think? Why center a whole movie around a love story between two characters who seem to barely like each other? ...And this whole blog is just basically me bitching and moaning, isn't it? I'm sorry. I'll stop now. The next blog will be funnier, promise.