More movie news: "The Incredible Hulk"
3/14/2008 4:30:30 PM
...So the trailer for the new "Incredible Hulk" movie is out. This is good news for people -- like me! -- who found the first "Hulk" movie to be unwatchable, and also for people -- like me! -- who actually walked out the theater because god the first movie was so bad.
Anyway, what the studio is doing here is rebooting the franchise, by basically pretending that the first movie never actually happened. Neat! Sort of like how I pretend that I never slept with certain girls, and never said certain stupid things when I was drunk. I can relate to that.
I remain less than excited about the "Hulk" movies, though, for this simple reason -- I've never liked the Hulk as a superhero. So he's this scientist who gets zapped by Gamma Rays and who then turns into this huge strong angry monster. And the Hulk's arch-enemy is this guy called The Leader, who -- wait for it -- gets zapped by Gamma Rays and became super-smart. And yet, the Hulk beats him every time.
So basically, the central message of the Hulk comic books and films can be boiled down to this: "DUMB BEATS SMART, EVERY TIME."
Or this: "Intellect, cunning, and strategy is no match for the brute phyiscal strength of a guy who barely knows what the f#ck is going on."
The idea that brawn can beat brains is not really one that I wanted to hear as a scrawy, zit-faced, 13 year-old comic book reader, and -- I'll be honest -- it's still not one that I want to hear even today.
Maybe the movie will be good, though. Who knows?
But the trailer looks really bad...
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--Oliver Miller
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Horton Hears a Who!
3/14/2008 2:34:18 PM
"Don’t give up! I believe in you all;
A person’s a person, no matter how small!
And you very small persons will not have to die
If you make yourselves heard! So come on, now, and TRY!”
The new movie "Horton Hears a Who," based on the Dr. Seuss book, opens in theaters today. You should probably go check it out, even though, yes, it stars Jim Carrey. But go see it anyway.
By the way? I took one and only one poetry writing class as an undergraduate, on the first day of class, we were all asked who our favorite poet of the twentith century was. Most poeple said "Pablo Neruda" or "Sylvia Plath." I said: "Dr. Seuss."
And the professor, who was wearing a blazer and no tie, and who had long dreadlocks to indicate that even though he was a professor, he was still young and cool, just like us, reared back, snorted, and said--
"Dr. Seuss is not a poet."
End of discussion.
So I droppped the class. Good idea? Bad idea?
Anyway, here's another poem by my pretentious douchebag of a professor, and here's a link to my favorite Dr. Seuss book of all time. It's a little obscure, but it's a good one. Here's an excerpt from Amazon's summary of the book:
Your day includes a trip through the Birthday Flower Jungle while being carried in a boat through the air by Funicular Goats. The flowers smell like licorice and cheese.
For lunch, you eat hot dogs, rolled out on a spool, for an endless meal. With so much mustard on you, cleaning off in a Mustard-Off pool is required.
You sing loudly, "I am lucky!"
Good, good stuff...
--Oliver Miller
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Top 5 Threesomes
3/14/2008 1:32:00 PM
Is this the sexiest scene that we could get from "The Dreamers"? Look! Some virginal blood! Por vou! ...I mean, isn't the entire movie one extended threesome? Anyway, I'm putting this scene at number five here only because I'm completely, absolutely, and unutterably in love with Eva Green. I'm serious. When she died at the end of "Casino Royale," I let out a little strangled scream. I mean, I knew that she was going to die or something, because James Bond isn't generally known for his committed long-term relationships, but still... She didn't just die, she betrayed James Bond and then drowned herself in a collapsing elevator shaft because she was so devastated by her own betrayal. Yike! Hardcore!
Anyway, Eva, baby, why do you always look so sad, both in "Casino Royale" and here? I could make you happy, baby; I know that I could. And I know that you're Swiss, so we could, like, run away to the Swiss Alps together. I could eat chocolate and you could... fix clocks or something. We'd pick herbs and sing simple mountain songs about our happy lives together. It'd be awesome.
Occasionally, from time to time, I feel like I might be okay; an okay looking guy. I even think it aloud to myself sometimes; "Oliver, you might be... okay." I mean, I occasionally lift weights, sometimes girls call me "cute." And then I see a movie starring Christian Bale, and I realize that I look like pond scum. I mean, Jesus, look at this guy. He looks like a motherfucking action figure. I can't compete with that.
Anyway, this movie gets bonus points for making fun of my alma mater, Sarah Lawrence College, right before this here threesome scene. Christian is trying to convince the two girls to do it with him, and one girl is like, "No." And Christian says, "You're fucking kidding me! Didn't you go to Sarah Lawrence?" Yeah. Sarah Lawrence College has like a 98% to 2% girl/guy ratio. Your chances of having a threesome there are higher than anywhere else on the planet, except, perhaps, for the mythical isle of Lesbos. I didn't have one while I was there, of course, because I am a total loser who looks like pond scum. Or something. In fact, I've never had a threesome, even though I dated a bisexual stripper for two years. Am I the biggest loser on the face of the planet, or what? I don't even want to talk about this anymore.
I'm embarrassed to say that I saw this movie. Trust me when I say that this is the only part of it that you ever need to see. And watch out for the utterly unexpected/horrifying Kevin Bacon full frontal nudity scene at the end! The fact that you get to see Denise Richard's breasts multiple times slightly makes up for that scene. But only slightly.
It was pretty much a given that "Threesome" was going to make it's way into this list. ...Leaving it off would be like making a "Top Five Movies Starring Anacondas" list, and leaving out "Anaconda." ...Or, to a lesser extent, leaving off "Anaconda 2: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid." I think you get my drift. ...So this here is a fine, serviceable threesome scene, although the retroactive born-again Christianity of Stephen Baldwin makes this clip seem a little... weird, nowadays.
Anyway, I love the set-up of this movie. The female character is named "Alex," so the college accidentally moves her into a guys' dorm room. Because they think that she's a guy! And then she has sex with both the guys. And that's it; that's the whole entire movie! I like movies that have a low degree of effort like that. I mean, it's not like it's William Shakespeare or anything, but it gets the job done.
This clip won so easily, I can't even make fun of it. It's just a great scene. People having sex should always be so passionate that they're about to fall over and bonk their heads on something. Bonus points for the fact that the title of the movie means, "...And your mother, too." Sweet.
— Oliver
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“Sybille II” i.e. Art Film of Zits Being Popped…
3/13/2008 6:42:39 PM
It’s like an Ang Lee film for teens: slow, incredibly beautiful visions of extremely painful moments.
— N.A.
[via Boing Boing]
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Ellen DeGeneres Calls Sally Kern…On the Phone
3/13/2008 6:33:45 PM
If you haven’t heard of the Sally Kern brouhaha, this clip shows the origins of the controversy. We [heart] Ellen!
Though I didn’t realize the Roman Empire was only around for a few decades…
—N.A.
[via Perez Hilton]
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Janet Jackson Attempts to Teach Larry King Her Dance Moves
3/13/2008 6:10:40 PM
Whose idea was this? It’s already startling enough to see Larry King’s shrunken body below the waist (the man should not be allowed to stand up on camera!), but watching him try to get down with Ms. Jackson brings the surreal to whole new level.
Favorite lines?
Larry: What is this dance called?
Janet: (gesturing at giant screen behind them) This is the dance in the video.
Larry: (gravelly announcer voice) The! Dance! Of! The! Video!
Janet: Yes—well it’s not what it’s called—no, you’re not hugging yourself—
Larry: I don’t know what I am doing!
It's a metaphor for life, man.
—N.A.
[via Red Lasso]
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Potter Puppet Pals and Insane Amounts of Joy
3/13/2008 11:38:54 AM
So, maybe this would have been a lot more topical a few months ago, but whatever. Despite heavy chastising from most of the people I know, I’ve not yet read the Harry Potter books, but I’ve enjoyed some of the movies on airplanes, and I love catchy little tunes. Also, it’s been scientifically proven that hand puppet theater rules. Thus, this clip brought me insane amounts of joy. Hopefully, it will do the same for you.
—Caitlin M.
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Tori Spelling, Tori Spelling’s Breasts Appear on The View
3/13/2008 11:13:27 AM
Tori’s big pimpin’ her new memoir…here she stops by to chat up deep life issues with The View crew. She discusses how her parents cut her off once she got on 90210, her mother’s affair, her father’s passing…the one thing she doesn’t mention is what the hell is up with her dress? Do we like highlighting the baby bump in olive green? At least her breasts look great…
What we were really excited about was Tori’s book launch party here in New York; check out The Insider for the inside scoop on how Tori acts when the cameras aren't on...
—N.A.
[via Red Lasso]
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Stephen Colbert Was the Meat in a Spitzer Sandwich
3/13/2008 10:56:33 AM
Stephen wonders if, instead of giving Spitzer the infamous “Colbert Bump,” he might have accidentally given him the dreaded “Colbert Bumpin’ Uglies”…
He also takes a look at the “Lip Bite Index,” which--though not nearly as sexy as it sounds--is still pretty damn funny:
—N.A.
[via Red Lasso]
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Do You Like to Talk Dirty When Going...Up?
3/13/2008 10:49:05 AM
As much as the Hooksexup offices might seem like some kinky sex cauldron (and of course it absolutely is, on the daily), our elevator most definitely isn’t exactly a hotbed of dirty talk. Mostly it’s just package delivery dudes and bored-looking models forgetting which floor their agency is on. But if something like this happened… it might just make my day. In that queasy, voyeuristic kind of way.
—Caitlin M.
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