Barack Paper Scissors
3/25/2008 3:30:38 PM
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...So hey! Do you ever feel like your attempts at participation in the Democratic process are being subverted by random outside forces that are entirely beyond your control?
(Random cries of: "No! Of course not! Ridiculous! Hey, what are superdelegetes, anyway?")
...Well, if for some reason you did feel like that, might I recommend that you play the game of "Barack Paper Scissors". It's like Democracy, but with more randomness, less paperwork, and minus all that troublesome "thought"; although personally, I consider "Rock Paper Scissors" to be a game of very deep thought. ...In fact, for the first and only time, I'm going to share my winning "Rock Paper Scissors," strategy with you: always pick 'Paper.' ...See, people think that paper is weak... because it's thin and papery, but in fact, paper is very very strong. It's the only thing that can beat that fucker rock! And so please remember: always pick Paper. It's important.
Anyway, go play the game now. Yes you can!
...And here, to fulfill the "video" quotient of this particular video blog, is a fresh video of Obama Girl, who I remain suprisingly un-into. I guess I should be excited about her, because she has... tits, and things. And yet I remain unmoved. Proof that all men are not moronic Neanderthals, or proof that "Obama Girl" just isn't very funny? You can take your pick, really.
--Oliver Miller
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Ashley Alexandra Dupre Gone Wild.
3/25/2008 2:50:10 PM
Oh man, it's either write this blog or study for law school finals or work on my memoir. I know what my choice is. Yeah, I'm writing a memoir. It's about how I was a homeless bisexual crack waif raised by gang members in East L.A. while I was in rehab for alcoholism... sort of. I expect to get sued by Oprah and everyone. It's going to be awesome!*
ANY-way, so after he, ummm, got released from jail, "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis offered Ashley Alexandra Dupre -- otherwise known as "Le skank de la affaire de la Spitzer" -- one million dollars to appear in a "Girls Gone Wild" video. Whoops! Unnecessary! She already has. One of his employees found archival footage of seven videos that she appeared in -- when she was eighteen years old. Mr. Francis then retracted his million dollar offer and compared the entire experience to, quote, "finding a winning lottery ticket under the cushions of your couch." Indeed. Watch and enjoy. (Warning: contains creepy Larry Flint footage at the end.)
...So one thing I learned from this video that I didn't otherwise realize was that you could spend an entire WEEK on the "Girls Gone Wild" party bus. Wow. ...That's a long time. "Hey, baby doll? Your vagina seems awfully stretchy lately and what's with all of these scabies and stuff?" "...Oh baby, that's just, you know, it's a party bus thing. Whooot!!!" Yay!
--Oliver Miller
(*n.b.: Yes, I am actually writing a memoir. Yes, it's probably really bad. No, I'm not going to inflict it on you guys.)
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But does it have to be a convertible?
3/25/2008 2:35:51 PM
The world's first underwater car! The future is now! So long as you define "the future" as "an imaginary time resembling James Bond movies that were released in 1976." That's pretty much how I define the future, at least.
--Oliver
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Liger!
3/25/2008 12:47:28 PM
Ugh. Some days you get the video blog, and some days, the video blog gets you, if you get my meaning. You wouldn't believe the amount of crap that I've watched today, trying to find something funny to write about -- Pam Anderson, talking eagles, John McCain, the Queen of England -- I don't even want to talk about it. Unfortunately, my "crap" standards are very high. Anyway, here's video of a Liger, which I didn't know actually existed. And having never seen "Napoleon Dynamite," I can't even make a joke here. Yes, it's a day of failure for me here at the Hooksexup Video Blog. But me, I'm just counting down the seconds until Dr. Bagaman Antill gets eaten/mauled by his own enormous creation. Let's all watch and wait, shall we? Who's a good boy?!
--Oliver
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The Swift Kids for Truth
3/24/2008 5:30:53 PM
The Swift Kids for Truth: cuter than the pundits at Fox News, but infinitely more vicious as a result of said cuteness.
— Caitlin M.
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I just dropped in...
3/24/2008 2:19:04 PM
...According to Hooksexup's Screengrab, which I'm too lazy to provide the link to, and screw those guys anyway, the film "The Big Lebowski" is ten years old this month. Has it been so long? Anyway, it's been about a week since the last Coen brothers-related post, so here is the best song, from the best scene, from the best movie ever made. Do I exaggerate? ...Maybe.
--Oliver Miller
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Lies and the lyingly lying liars who lie them: The Clinton Campaign (part 43 of a 79 part series.)
3/24/2008 12:51:10 PM
Yes! My old nemesis, Hillary Clinton, has apparently grown tired of not being relentlessly mocked by this blog, and so has returned to the news again, continuing with her grand campaign strategy of Lying Pointlessly About Shit That No One Could Possibly Give a Crap About in Order to Get Elected, or Something... Ahhh. Good times.
But wait! Before we even get to that, may I point out that Hillary has been basically mathmatically eliminated from any chance of winning the Democratic nomination, which means that... you got it; we don't even have to give a shit about this at all. We can just get stoned and watch "The Hills" instead! In fact, let's do that right now:
Ohmigod! That was so much better! Or, you know what? We can just watch the "Dear Sister" video again. Yeah. Let's just do that! I love that video...
Or... the Natalie Portman rap video? That's actually my favorite video of all time. Yeah. Let's watch that.
____
Sigh. But no. Whenever Hillary Clinton fucks up, this video blog must pounce into action... because I hate her. And so... having lied about her Iraq war vote, the reasons that she made her Iraq war vote, how she got her first name (my personal favorite), her record, her husband's record, her experience, her opponent's record, the Irish peace accord, her opponent's experience, etc, etc, etc... Hillary now moves on to the all-important territory of lying about being shot at by snipers in Bosnia in 1996. Oh, the excitement.
According to Hillary, she was shot at by snipers when she visited Bosnia in 1996. Unfortunately, according to everyone else, including the people who were there, the people who met her, the comedian Sinbad (who hasn't been heard from since 1996), and, most unfortunately, the video tape that recorded the event, she wasn't shot at by snipers when she visited Bosnia in 1996. Let's watch the tape, shall we?
...Oh my. Or, as dumb people say: "Oh snap." And so, the above video once again brings this blog to the topic of The Problem With Hillary. Must we do this again? Clearly, we must:
1) She lies pointlessly. Who the fuck would vote for her based on whether or not she was shot at by snipers in 1996? Who, in fact... to put the matter even more suscinctly... would ever give a fuck?
2) Even when confronted with video evidence of the fact that she is lying, she continues to lie (pointlessly). Which brings us to the larger problem.
3) Either she doesn't care if people know that she's lying, or she has talked herself into believing her own lie.
4) Either one of which is bad, especially as it reminds me of the president that we've had in office for the last eight years, who either didn't care if we knew that he was lying, or (more likely) had talked himself into believing his own stupid lies.
5) I don't like people who lie. Especially people who lie for no reason, which always indicates a much deeper and more serious problem. And I especially don't want to vote for them.
6) Yuck.
...But, thank god, Hillary Clinton has been all but mathmatically eliminated from winning the Democratic nomination. Yes, praise Cheesus for that.
...And so, time passes, and life manoeuvres, and the video blog moves on, until my nemesis Hillary Clinton fucks up again and lies pointlessly about something. And so, until that day comes... I bid you peace. And, god knows, the next video blog will probably be about something much more interesting. Such as Lindsay Lohan. For example.
--Oliver Miller
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Man finds "Cheesus"
3/24/2008 10:22:54 AM
...Too late for Easter, here's the story of a man who found Jesus... in a bag of Cheetos. Brought to you by News Channel 2 in Houston! News Channel 2 in Houston! Now with extra added uncontrolable laughter!
...But wait. Do you need the full story? Well, here it is. The scariest part of the whole story? The minister who found Jesus in the bag of Cheetos sounds totally rational. I kid you not. And the best line? "Some call it THE Cheeto; some call it -- J. Cheeto." Enjoy.
--Oliver Miller
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Man vs. Bear: The Hot Dog Eating Contest of Doom.
3/24/2008 10:02:31 AM
...And here's yet another headline where you might kind of hope that I'm kidding, but actually, I'm not. If you needed further proof that our society has reached the height of human decadence and has now gone fully batshit insane -- sorta like the Roman Empire at its peak -- well, here you are. It's a man vs. bear hot dog eating contest. Will our species emerge victorious?
I admit it, I haven't watched this one all the way to the end yet, but what I'm hoping that happens is this: the bear escapes, kills a bunch of people, but then finds love in the big city. ...But then, by the end, the bear learns the important but valuable lesson that while human beings belong in the city, bears truly belong back in the woods. And then the bear returns home. Cue sad music. ...Anyway, in my imagination, this is what happens. And I think that I've gone insane from waching too many internet videos. Cue sad music.
Enjoy...
--Oliver Miller
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Happy Early Easter!
3/22/2008 2:18:55 PM
Tommorrow is Easter. I'm Jewish, but I do happen to like that guy Jesus, oddly enough.
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Below is my favorite part of the New Testament. ...And by the way, my favorite part (and the most frightening part) of Ancient Greek class was translating the Bible. ...What if you got something wrong? Would God strike you down?
Actual: Kai erchomai eis Bethsaida kai phero autos tuphlos kai parakaleo autos hina autos hapto kai epilambanomai ho cheir ho tuphlos ekphero autos exo ho kome kai ptuo eis ho omna autos epitithemi ho cheir autos eperotao autos tis blepo kai anablepo lego blepo ho anthropos hoti hos dendron horao peripateo.
Literal: And they-are-coming into Bethsaida and they-are-carrying to-Him blind and they-are-beside-calling Him that of-him He should-be-touching and on-getting of-the hand of-the blind He-out-carries him out of-the village and spitting into the eyes of-him on-placing the hands to-him He-inquired-of him if anything you-are-looking and up-looking he-said I-am-looking the humans that as trees I-am-seeing about-treading.
English:
And they came to the place Bethsaida, and they brought a blind man to him, and begged him to teach him. And he took the blind man's hand and brought him outside the village and spat in his eyes, and laid his hands on him, and asked him: Do you see anything?
And the man looked again and said: I see men like trees, walking around.
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...And here's a Björk song, for no major reason, except that I kind of think that it goes with the passage above.
Happy early Easter, goyim...
--Oliver Miller
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