Saturday Night Live’s Coin Slot Cream
3/26/2008 3:56:28 PM
Lindsay Lohan gets a bad rap, but here she is finally trying to help the world. One coin slot at a time…
— Nicole Ankowski
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Fetch Machine!
3/26/2008 1:32:41 PM
Two blogs in a row involving balls? I know! ...While I'm not totally sure that I get the point of the previous video, I'm also not sure if I get the point of the above video, either. So the people in the video created an automatic ball-throwing machine, since they didn't feel like playing endless games of "fetch" with their dog. But who's the stupid party here? The dog, for playing "fetch" with an uncaring, soulless robot? Or the people, for having a dog that they're too busy to bother playing with? Why not just get one of those annoying Double AA battery-powered "robot dogs" from Radio Shack, and just cut out the middleman? ...I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.
--Oliver
(Thanks to Slate.com for the video.)
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Awareness Test
3/26/2008 1:21:29 PM
...The above video provides proof that you can think that you get something right, while still getting it wrong. Or, that you can think that you are incredibly smart, while still actually being fairly stupid. Take me, for example. The "test" in the above video is to figure out how many times the "White Team" passes the ball. I thought that I got it right, including figuring out the little "trick" in the video. ...And I was very proud of myself, for about 1.5 seconds. But then it turns out that in a higher sense, I missed the entire point, and got the whole thing wrong. Go check it out for yourself...
--Oliver Miller
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The Best (Only?) Flea Market Commercial Ever
3/26/2008 12:47:47 PM
In case you missed his message…this place is like a mini-mall, y’all. Which is never something I’ve ever considered to be a favorable comparison. But then, I don’t sell dinette sets, so don’t trust my opinion.
— Caitlin M.
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One Guy Goes Too Far…
3/26/2008 12:45:43 PM
The politics of the Universal Wank Motion, explained.
— Caitlin M.
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The Video Blog turns seven in dog years.
3/26/2008 11:40:37 AM
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Howdy. The Hooksexup Video Blog is officially one year old today. Whoot!
I am nothing if not overly nostalgic, so just celebrating this anniversary makes me all misty-eyed for March, 2007. Ahh, March, 2007. ...Good times. Back then, a little thing called "Windows Vista" was sweeping the nation, Barack Obama was just a wee tadpole, Hillary Clinton was only hypothetically annoying, "Transformers: The Movie" had not come out and sucked yet, and I was trapped in a horrible tiny apartment in the French Quarter with a pothead roommate who couldn't manage to put his take-out food boxes inside our single trashcan, instead of next to the single trash can. ...Good times. And that's about all that I remember about March, 2007, to be honest.
...I remember how I kinda sorta lied to get this job by telling my boss that I was "verrrry interested in web videos," when in fact, I had only watched one web video up to that point, and that was the "Lazy Sunday" video.
Flash-forward one year, and I am now interested in web videos, both because I've watched 20,000 of them now, and because web videos have already stunningly improved within the last year, preparing us for that not-so-imaginary future where everything is downloadable in 0.01 seconds and we can watch movies and porn and things inside our brains, like in "Johnny Mnemonic."
____
A word about the production of this blog.
The blog is a mirror to life. Every day, I wake up, think to myself, "Ugggh, I haven't written anything funny yet," then get pissed off, because I live in the Central Time Zone, and so it's already one hour later in New York, and so I'm already one hour behind the eight-ball. Then, I scan the internet very quickly for videos, which I should have done the night before, if I was at all organized, panic, write something very quickly, decide that it sucks, publish it anyway, and then, twenty minutes later, decide that it doesn't really suck so bad after all.
Similarly, in my regular life, every day, I wake up, wonder if I'll ever be done with law school, then remember that I don't actually want to be done with law school, because then I'll have to be lawyer, panic about working on my memoir, wonder if the girl that I'm dating is "cool" enough for me, stare into the bathroom mirror, wish that I was twenty percent better-looking, drink three cups of coffee, panic, and do whatever it is that I have to do that day, which generally involves writing some video blogs... to bring us back to base.
The moral?
Every day in our lives is the same, every day is different, and we cannot -- nay, will not escape ourselves. And we'd better not, because only inside ourselves is there any chance of redemption.
Or, as my good pal James Joyce once wrote:
...If Socrates leave his house today he will find the sage seated on his doorstep. If Judas go forth tonight it is to Judas his steps will tend. Every life is many days, day after day. We walk through ourselves, meeting robbers, ghosts, giants, old men, young men, wives, widows, brothers-in-love. But always meeting ourselves.
...Or is this all too profound? Yes. Probably, yes. Hey, anniverseries do that to me. I said that I was too nostalgic. ...So maybe just learn to deal with it.
____
ANY-way, I thank you for reading this far without any videos or anything to break the thing up, and I apologize -- as always -- for writing this whole thing very quickly, without having any idea of what I was going to say until I said it.
For someone, like me, who's probably spent at least three hours a day writing stuff, for oh, let's say, the past fifteen years, that's the best thing about this video blog. It forces me to write stuff, quick, without a chance to think it over, or to practice being "cool." And who's to say that that is not the best way to write? It is, at least, probably the most truthful.
____
And now, let's end this anniversary blog. It's been good times. And I'll be back with another anniversary blog in exactly a year, to pontificate on the meaning of it all, once again. In the meantime, here's one of my favorite singers, also pontificating on the meaning of it all. And might I add that, like her, I've seen it all. I've seen videos of kittens and of Mentos and Coke; I've seen Paris and Lindsay and Oba-ma Gi-rrrl; I've seen Star Wars and Star Trek and some other stuff too-oo; I've seen blah blah blah blah blah and blah blah blah bloooo...
best,
Oliver Miller
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Barack Paper Scissors
3/25/2008 3:30:38 PM
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...So hey! Do you ever feel like your attempts at participation in the Democratic process are being subverted by random outside forces that are entirely beyond your control?
(Random cries of: "No! Of course not! Ridiculous! Hey, what are superdelegetes, anyway?")
...Well, if for some reason you did feel like that, might I recommend that you play the game of "Barack Paper Scissors". It's like Democracy, but with more randomness, less paperwork, and minus all that troublesome "thought"; although personally, I consider "Rock Paper Scissors" to be a game of very deep thought. ...In fact, for the first and only time, I'm going to share my winning "Rock Paper Scissors," strategy with you: always pick 'Paper.' ...See, people think that paper is weak... because it's thin and papery, but in fact, paper is very very strong. It's the only thing that can beat that fucker rock! And so please remember: always pick Paper. It's important.
Anyway, go play the game now. Yes you can!
...And here, to fulfill the "video" quotient of this particular video blog, is a fresh video of Obama Girl, who I remain suprisingly un-into. I guess I should be excited about her, because she has... tits, and things. And yet I remain unmoved. Proof that all men are not moronic Neanderthals, or proof that "Obama Girl" just isn't very funny? You can take your pick, really.
--Oliver Miller
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Ashley Alexandra Dupre Gone Wild.
3/25/2008 2:50:10 PM
Oh man, it's either write this blog or study for law school finals or work on my memoir. I know what my choice is. Yeah, I'm writing a memoir. It's about how I was a homeless bisexual crack waif raised by gang members in East L.A. while I was in rehab for alcoholism... sort of. I expect to get sued by Oprah and everyone. It's going to be awesome!*
ANY-way, so after he, ummm, got released from jail, "Girls Gone Wild" founder Joe Francis offered Ashley Alexandra Dupre -- otherwise known as "Le skank de la affaire de la Spitzer" -- one million dollars to appear in a "Girls Gone Wild" video. Whoops! Unnecessary! She already has. One of his employees found archival footage of seven videos that she appeared in -- when she was eighteen years old. Mr. Francis then retracted his million dollar offer and compared the entire experience to, quote, "finding a winning lottery ticket under the cushions of your couch." Indeed. Watch and enjoy. (Warning: contains creepy Larry Flint footage at the end.)
...So one thing I learned from this video that I didn't otherwise realize was that you could spend an entire WEEK on the "Girls Gone Wild" party bus. Wow. ...That's a long time. "Hey, baby doll? Your vagina seems awfully stretchy lately and what's with all of these scabies and stuff?" "...Oh baby, that's just, you know, it's a party bus thing. Whooot!!!" Yay!
--Oliver Miller
(*n.b.: Yes, I am actually writing a memoir. Yes, it's probably really bad. No, I'm not going to inflict it on you guys.)
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But does it have to be a convertible?
3/25/2008 2:35:51 PM
The world's first underwater car! The future is now! So long as you define "the future" as "an imaginary time resembling James Bond movies that were released in 1976." That's pretty much how I define the future, at least.
--Oliver
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Liger!
3/25/2008 12:47:28 PM
Ugh. Some days you get the video blog, and some days, the video blog gets you, if you get my meaning. You wouldn't believe the amount of crap that I've watched today, trying to find something funny to write about -- Pam Anderson, talking eagles, John McCain, the Queen of England -- I don't even want to talk about it. Unfortunately, my "crap" standards are very high. Anyway, here's video of a Liger, which I didn't know actually existed. And having never seen "Napoleon Dynamite," I can't even make a joke here. Yes, it's a day of failure for me here at the Hooksexup Video Blog. But me, I'm just counting down the seconds until Dr. Bagaman Antill gets eaten/mauled by his own enormous creation. Let's all watch and wait, shall we? Who's a good boy?!
--Oliver
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