The Hottest Woman in the World... Revealed.
4/25/2008 1:13:35 PM
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FHM magazine today released its list of the hottest female-type humans in the world. At number one: Megan Fox, star of "Transformers," which was... not a good movie. Please do not rent it.
Although I give bonus points to girls who have automatically sexy last names: I would have also accepted "Megan Foxy," Megan Foxxxy," "Megan Hot," "Megan Hottt," etc... I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with FHM's choice here. But watch this dumb-as-nails video of her first:
It's interesting because Hooksexup also gives me the freedom to wear whatever I want while I'm working. For example, right now, I'm wearing a pink terry-cloth robe. Just thought that you would like to know that.
But no, the sexiest woman in the world is not Megan Fox. The sexiest woman in the world always has been, and always will be... Hope Sandoval from "Mazzy Star." I STILL LUV U 4EVER HOPE!
...When I lived in Prague with my best friend Tiffany, I once got in a huge screaming fight with her about whether I would actually still have a crush on Hope Sandoval if I met her in real life. THE FIGHT LASTED FOR THREE DAYS. ...It may have been spurred on by the fact that we were both broke, freezing cold, and stranded in rainy Europe. Anyway, it was, and always will be, the dumbest fight that I ever got into. For the record, we also got in huge screaming fights about pizza toppings and which one of us was walking too fast. Also for the record, the answers to these fights were:
1) Yes.
2) Sausage.
3) You are!
So there you go. Here's a bonus video of Hope. ...BEST SONG EVER!
Thanks to Scanner for pointing out the FHM thing, since I'm too lazy to find stuff on the internet on my own. And I'm not actually wearing a robe while writing this. I'm wearing boxers and a button-down shirt, which is equally gross/lazy/bloggy.
--Oliver
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As always, we must warn you that humanity is fucked.
4/25/2008 12:31:31 PM
The New York Times reports today that for the first time in recorded history, a robot will be conducting a symphony orchestra. That'd be the robot -- "Asimo" -- pictured above. ...And so, as always, and once again, it falls to the Hooksexup Video Blog to point out that according to all known science fiction movies, ROBOTS WILL INEVITABLY FREAK OUT AND KILL A BUNCH OF STUFF. Why? Because they hate our humanity.
...Just you wait and see. First robots will start by taking over our orchestras. Then, our operas and ballets. Then, our poetry-readings. Soon, they'll control all known forms of stuffy entertainment!
Slightly luckily for us, the robot "Asimo," created by the evil Honda corporation, does have one small weakness. And that weakness is... stairs.
Anyway, you guys can sit around on your complacent asses if you want to. Me, I'm going to be stockpiling guns and stairs for the revolution.
____
And of course, the knowledge that robotic overlords will soon be our masters requires a re-viewing of the Flight of the Conchords song, "The Humans are Dead." Remember, in the future, there will be only one dance. And that dance will be: the robot.
--Oliver
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Top 5 Sex Scenes That Could Incite a Revolution
4/25/2008 12:10:44 PM
“Hey, Shakespeare –- can you shut up and fuck me for half a minute? Let lips do what hands do, buddy.” But seriously, like all good revolutionaries, Shakespeare never loses sight of the cause, even when he's doing the nasty. Props to him. Yea, verily.
Can you imagine the bragging rights that Mary Magdalene had after that? “Jesus? ...Yeah, I hit that. Yeah, he was pretty good. He was nervous at first, but then he had a nice resurrection.” Martin Scorcese gets revolution points for putting Jesus Sex in his film, and Jesus gets revolution points for being a big, old hippie and starting a big, old religion. ...Where did things go wrong?
The best kind of sex is sex that subverts the totalitarian patriarchy. “Do me like my life depends on me being fertilized, so that the Commander who owns me doesn’t excommunicate me… yes! Yes! Oh, Yes!”
Oh, Helena Bonham Carter! Why did you waste so much time doing “period-piece” films? Who among us could have sex with her character in this film and not be inspired to blow up corporate skyscrapers? The only thing better than sex with Helena Bonham Carter would be listening to your alter ego have sex with her and being jealous… but then later on realizing that it was you the whole time! This would be like the sexual equivalent of finding a crumpled-up twenty dollar bill in your fresh-from-the-dryer-blue-jeans... sort of.
After watching Christian Slater as the socially awkward “Happy Harry Hard-On”, holed up in his basement for the whole movie pretending to masturbate by slapping his neck, there is something so deeply satisfying about watching Samantha Mathis track him down and seduce him. Doesn’t it just make you want to start a revolution? Perhaps in the form of a pirate internet radio station with a massive listenership where you can air your complaints about the world to a nation of disgruntled teenagers? We need a "Pump the Up Volume" for the 2000’s! Who’s with me?
— Jeremy L.
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Clips from "W: The Motion Picture"
4/25/2008 10:48:12 AM
In case you haven't been paying attention, the film "W," directed by Oliver Stone, will be coming out next year. "W" will be an honest-to-god biopic about George W. Bush, and no, I'm not kidding. You wish that I was kidding.
...Anyway, New York Magazine, bless their hearts, has obtained an honest-to-god shooting script for the film. Here, with a little help from the UCB Theatre, they act out some scenes from the script... plus a few extra bonus scenes at the end. Yay!
...And in case you're interested, here's a scene from my upcoming film "H: The Hillary Story." Please to enjoy:
INTERIOR - THE WHITE HOUSE - DECEMBER, 2009
3am. The President of the United States, HILLARY CLINTON, lies in bed -- facing upright, with her eyes wide open -- in the presidential bedchambers. Next to her, BILL CLINTON also lies, asleep...
The phone rings.
HILLARY (instantly springing upright in bed):
I've got it! I'm awake!
She picks up.
VOICE ON THE PHONE:
...Hello? Yes. This is Iran.
HILLARY (still a little dazed, but taking notes on a small notepad kept next to the bed):
...Iran... right... got it.
VOICE:
We will be beginning the bombing of your country... immediately.
HILLARY (putting her hand over the receiver, whispering to herself):
I knew it!
VOICE:
Also... we will be swooping in, and eating all of your cattle.
HILLARY:
Who did you say this was again?
VOICE:
Iran. (beat) Also... we will also be -- shut up, you guys -- we will also be swooping in and eating your... cattle.
HILLARY:
You said that already.
VOICE:
Also... (muffled laughter) ...we will also be eating all of your... cattle.
HILLARY:
Obama? Is that you?
VOICE:
(muffled laughter; sound of phone being slammed down.)
Sighing, HILLARY puts the phone back in its cradle.
BILL CLINTON (sleepy; off-camera):
Who was that, hon?
HILLARY:
Something about Iran.
Phone rings.
HILLARY (instantly picking up):
Yes! I'm here!
VOICE:
Hello... this is... North Korea. (muffled noise) ...Hey, keep off the other line, guys...
HILLARY (slamming down the phone):
Dammit!
BILL (off-camera):
You've simply got to stop falling for that one, hon...
But HILLARY merely shakes her head sadly, to herself. Still sitting bolt-upright in bed, in the darkness, she resumes her lonely vigil...
...And so it goes...
--Oliver
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"Deal or No Deal" gets a surprise guest.
4/24/2008 12:35:15 PM
I'm starting to feel like my point of view on American culture is similar to that of a Eastern European immigrant... circa 1985. Not only do I only get one and a half television stations, but I've been trapped inside my apartment for two months with a broken leg. The other day, I went to the supermarket with my friend. It was my first time inside a supermarket in a couple months, and I had sort of forgotten what one was like. I kept saying things like, "My god, look at all the different brands of paper towels! And the different types... of yogurt!" until my friend walked away from me in disgust...
All of which is a just a long way of saying that my pop-culture knowledge is not at its highest level right now, and so, I've never seen the TV gameshow "Deal or No Deal," which apparently involves suitcases, and pointing. But they had a surprise guest on the show last night...
Good to see that Howie Mandel is still getting some work, but, JESUS! PLEASE DON'T SNEAK UP ON US LIKE THAT, MR. PRESIDENT. ...Magic doors! Boing! Hey, it's the enemy of all mankind!
Maybe I'm naive, but I'm almost willing to believe that other random evil people live behind those "Deal or No Deal" doors. Like Frankenstein. Or Pol Pot. Or Cheney. Or Count Chocola.
Anyway, shine on, Mr. President! "I'm just happy to be on something with high ratings." "Maybe you can win three trillion dollars [in order to pay off the burgeoning national debt that I've created]." Ah ha ha. Ah ho ho. It is... to laugh.
Maybe this writing-about-popular-culture-for-a-year job is getting to me or something, but here's my thesis that I've come up with, after a year. Are you ready for it? We are a dumb, dumb people. And we have a dumb president. And we're all going to hell.
It took me a while to come up with that theory, but I'm pretty proud of it.
By the way, how much did the Iraq war vet win on the show? $78,000. If he truly honors the President's request, and donates it to pay off the national debt, that'll leave us with $2,999,999,922,000.00 to go.
It is... to laugh. Ah, my funnybone...
--Oliver Miller
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Wednesday's Almost Over
4/23/2008 4:12:47 PM
And this baby qualifies as the World's Cutest Kitten (tm).
Totally safe for work. Totally cute.
--JGH
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Tila Tequila's Ho Classes Up the Joint
4/23/2008 3:37:37 PM
So last night on A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, Tila's remaining boyz did an undoubtedly elegant "fashion show" The classiest of the bunch showed off his "dick in a box", and Tila had the gall to act grossed out.
Whatever! We know you were into it, Tila. Don't front! I won't lie, I'd be all over that. Anyone who can make a relevant Andy Samberg reference is OK in my book.
--JGH
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Hell frozen over: Julia Allison gets own reality TV show
4/23/2008 3:28:05 PM
Cue the fourth horseman: Gawker celebutante Julia Allison just got her own reality show, IT Girls, green-lit by Bravo. Guess they need a new guilty pleasure now that Project Runway is moving to Lifetime!
If you have no clue who the F JA is, this video pretty much sums it up. Girlfriend loves to "lip dub" like R. Kelly loves 14 year olds.
Ski Dub: 4 Non Blonde's "What's Going On!?" from Julia Allison on Vimeo.
Watch out, Spencer Pratt. Move over, Heidi Montag. I've got a new guilty pleasure now!
--JGH
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IT'S WAR!
4/23/2008 3:11:24 PM
That's it! I've had enough. I've been getting in arguments with Hillary supporters all day. ...And so: IT'S WAR!
(...But, um, please do ignore the creepy fascistic overtones of the above video.)
That's it, though. Enough politeness! Please allow me to break it down --
So: the ONLY way that Senator Hillary Clinton can win the election now -- mathematically and strategically speaking -- is if she can convince 120 superdelegates to choose her over Obama. So continued support of Hillary = "Hey, I think it's better if 120 un-elected superdelegates decide the candidate, over and above the popular vote and pledged delegates." Democratic-ish!
It's war. I've had enough. Let's beat her down like Rocky beat Ivan Drago. Like Luke beat down the Emperor...
Over to you, Jessica, for a possible rebuttal... The gauntlet has been thrown down!
--Oliver
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Incredibly Annoying Unicorns Spawn Sequel
4/23/2008 2:56:40 PM
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, except to stay YouTube relevant, but the increds annoying Charlie the Unicorn series just debuted its sequel today. There's a Banana King, a magical amulet, and lots of weird telenovela shiz going on.
Don't blame me if you die of a seizure! I'm just the messenger.
--JGH
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