Mo Money, Less Scanner.
4/20/2007 6:44:25 PM
Hey y'all. I'm that half of Scanner known as Erin Bradley. This is just a little note to let you know that today marks the last of my regular postings. What? Didn't you just start, like, a month ago? Yes. But around that time I also started a full time gig in advertising. I thought I'd be able to keep up with the juggling but I've found myself dropping fire batons and machetes. People around me are getting singed, mutilated, and annoyed. OK, maybe mutilated is an exaggeration, but you and Sarah deserve the very best in blogging and maybe that's not me. So goodbye for now, and please be so kind as to continue reading Miss Information and my personal blog, Third Armpit. While you're at it, why not MySpace me? Thank you for reading. I leave you now in the capable care of Sarah, your original and one-and-only real mommy.
Lots of xxxx's and oooo's
—Erin Bradley
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This is Pretty Much Everything We Ever Wrote Grades 9 through 11
4/20/2007 4:43:00 PM
You're teaching creative writing to high-schoolers. Scary. You're teaching creative writing to high-schoolers who are handing in dark compositions that resemble Faces of Death movies. Double mega ultra scary (with Retsyn!). Do you rat on them to the principal? Encourage these budding Aleister Crowleys? Take away their Hot Topic Frequent Buyers Card until they can start being more uplifting? Sarah Elizabeth Richards takes on the issue in an essay called Deadly Prose on Salon.com. Read it, dark lords and lordesses. —EB
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Erik Estrada Adds Star to Collection of Hollywood Squares
4/20/2007 3:53:26 PM
We have feelings for Erik Estrada, aka Francis "Ponch" Poncherello. These feelings are not shallow. They are not retro kitsch. They are why we abandoned our CHiPS Word Search and showed up at his Hollywood Walk of Fame star ceremony with two dozen peach roses and a gift-wrapped can of Dinty Moore. Mr. Estrada gently but firmly declined our dinner invitation. —EB
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Price is Right Marriage Propsoal
4/20/2007 3:04:25 PM
We must be on day Crazy of our womanly cycle because this Price is Right marriage proposal video almost made us tear up. Our ideal marriage proposal would involve us drawing a huge diamond ring out of Bob Barker's felt bag during the 3 Strikes game but still. MOVING. Watch it and see if you don't feel the same yourself. —EB
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Today in Hooksexup: Tub Talk With Sara B.
4/20/2007 2:30:00 PM
Anyone can do an interview. But can anyone do an interview in the bathtub? Today on “Tub Talk With Sara B.,” humorist Andy Borowitz cracks open the bubble bath and replaces his rubber ducky with writer Sara Benincasa to talk about the sexuality of Jo on Facts of Life, meeting Quincy Jones, and how Mariah Carey is just a quick elevator ride away. —SH
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Celebrity Sex Fantasies Just As Lame As Celebrities Themselves
4/20/2007 2:00:00 PM
Eva Longoria wants to be tied up. Liz Hurley wants to turn into a man and bang Posh Spice. The Sun (surely the most trusted source for psychoanalysis save for Manhattan’s Upper East Side) analyzes celebrity sex fantasies and tells us what’s really going inside the minds of these dirty birdies. What does Scanner think is going on? Really boring sex fantasies. —SH
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Video of the Day: Love Connection's Best Named Guest
4/20/2007 1:00:00 PM
We have a last name that’s difficult to pronounce. As a child, this was a source of great shame, and in the evenings, as we sat in our pink-and-black bedroom writing the great American novelization (seated next to our Stephen King bobble-head doll), we tried to come up with pen names for the day when we would one day achieve great fame. And by that, we mean writing a sex and culture blog for hooksexup.com. Eventually, we learned to embrace our last name (it's Finnish, by the way). But we're not sure if we could swing such empowerment were we to have the last name of this unfortunate Love Connection guest. Insult to injury? He’s appearing on Love Connection. —SH
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World's First-Ever Glow Bra. Pacifiers and Ecstasy Not Included.
4/20/2007 12:00:00 PM
Don’t you hate it when it’s all dark in your bedroom, and you’re so wasted on Patron you can’t unhook your bra and your boyfriend is accidentally stabbing himself in the eye with your underwire? That nightmare is over, ladies. Introducing the first-ever glow-in-the-dark bra from Playtex. We have a feeling this might cause problems at a dark restaurant, though it will make you the hit of any rave. We should mention that this handy party trick is also for a good cause. —SH
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Marry, Fuck, or Kill: The TIMBs
4/20/2007 11:00:00 AM
Put on Side 2 of Moody Blues Days of Future Passed and pour some Diet Coke Plus into a cognac glass. You guys are really going to have to get creative for this one. An artist/producer, an artist/producer/actor, and the first family of Highlights magazine.
The prefix is the same, but we know your feelings are WILDLY DIFFERENT. Now is the time you get to tell us which of these individuals you'd marry, which one you'd fuck, and which one you want dead by sundown. —EB
Marry, Fuck, or Kill?
- a. Timbaland
- b. Timberlake
- c. The Timbertoes
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Corey Feldman, Corey Haim Return to Spotlight. Cory Hart Feels Weirdly Left Out.
4/20/2007 10:50:48 AM
The two Coreys are back! (They never left our hearts.) The dashing duo will be guest columnists for MSN, answering readers’ letters as part of a bid to promote (what else?) their upcoming reality series on A&E. We’ll have you know that we’ve already sent a question to the two Coreys. Here it is.
“Dear Two Coreys,
Which one of you bastards gave me herpes?
Dream a little dream (but next time bring a condom), Scanner”
—SH
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Matthew McConaughey's Open-Shirted Debut Shows Hints of Future Bare-Chestedness
4/20/2007 10:00:00 AM
Not sure how you’re feeling about Matthew McConaughey these days. We’re feeling pretty bored, with a side of gross-out. Somebody needs to put down the margarita glass and take a shower, amigo. But we came across Mateo’s Very First Credited Role as a doomed teenager in Unsolved Mysteries today, and thought we’d share. Is it us, or can you see the first seeds of his eventual performance in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? —SH
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New Bjork Album Cover: Pagan Feminism Never Looked So Wacky
4/20/2007 9:30:00 AM
If you thought wearing that swan dress was ballsy, how about an M&M costume designed by Sid & Marty Krofft? (Lisa Rinna, insert quarters in your metal slot and get ready for your first Fashion Police victim!) In a Pitchfork interview, Bjork reveals this cover of her new album, Volta, and talks about how it evokes pagan feminism. —SH
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In the News: Daddy Dearest, Weird Science
4/20/2007 8:55:32 AM
Alec Baldwin calls his daughter a “thoughtless little pig” in a creepy voicemail leaked to the press. Alec Baldwin, our crush on you is officially over.
Doctors in New York have successfully removed a woman’s gallbladder …by passing it through her vagina.
Following the Supreme Court’s decision on abortion, both sides of the debate expect a push for more restrictions.
A pill that eliminates periods gets a controversial reception.
How colleges might help a student who is ready to explode.
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Cute & Cuddly Urban Blight
4/19/2007 5:34:12 PM
Detroit radio station FM 98 WJLB is on the hunt for Detroit's Cutest Baby. We can joke about it because we used to live there (St. Clair Shores REPRESENT!) but none of you other guys. That baby won't hesitate to steal your wallet and throw you under the People Mover. That's just the kind of baby he is. —EB
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Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Judy Blume
4/19/2007 4:42:32 PM
Growing up with Judy Blume makes you do some pretty weird things. Laurie and I got the idea to stuff our bras from Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret. We called them "arbs" out in public and were certain no one could decipher our clever secret code. I guess we're not the only weirdos, because there's a book on it and WE MUST! WE MUST! read it. P.S. Presently, our busts do not need any increasing. —EB
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More Vagina Power. More, More, More.
4/19/2007 3:52:29 PM
Yesterday, we introduced you to Alexyss Tyler, singular host of Atlanta public access show, Vagina Power. She hosts this show with her mama, who seems as uncomfortable with this whole concept as we are. Today, Alexyss is piloting the pussy. No, we're not paraphrasing. (Thanks to nycbridger.) —SH
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Next Order of Business: A Bra Hook on the Flatiron Building
4/19/2007 3:19:59 PM
Flys are so fly in New York City. They're in our major papers and now they're on our buildings. Tenants are pissed but the super is even more irate. He keeps getting calls from people who go, "XYZ, PDQ!" and "BARN DOOR'S OPEN!" and then hang up, laughing. —EB
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Are You Aware of the Penile Codes in This State?
4/19/2007 2:49:45 PM
Is there any better source of hilarity than the local news? When you turn that bright spotlight on America, you never know who’s going to wander into the frame. But in this footage of a Minnesota drug bust, it isn’t a drunk frat boy stealing focus. It isn't a person at all. Though you might call that sucker your Uncle Bob. WATCH—SH
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Point/Counterpoint: Lip Gloss
4/19/2007 12:50:29 PM
This is the part of the day when Erin and Sarah turn into bitchy Cosmo columnists who eat salads for lunch and fight about lip gloss. Think it can’t happen? Honey, please.
Point: I have the best lip gloss in the world. It tastes like peppermint. It has a slight red tint that makes everyone’s mouth look like the goddamn poster for Lolita. I bought it because my friend was always wearing it, and I kept having this strange urge to make out with her. Anyway, lipstick makes my lips chap and peel like a crack whore, and I'm sorry, but lip balm just ain't enough. Hey, I know lip gloss can suck. It can be like wearing flypaper on your face. I didn’t wear it for years, because every time I showed up anywhere I had some crazy-ass fuzz on my lip. But lip gloss is glamour. And sweetie, sometimes glamour burns. —SH
Counterpoint: Hi Sarah. What? No, I didn’t just come from a rib-eating competition. That’s just this lip gloss I’m wearing. Two looks I wanna convey: oily and greasy. Why would I want to wear lipstick? Lipstick has a purpose. It makes my pale Irish skin look less undead and (according to science folks) triggers ancient primal lust in the opposite sex by making my mouth resemble the ass of a female monkey who wants to take it in the A. Marilyn Monroe wore lipstick. Dolly Parton. Robert Smith. Why be like them when I can be like Paris Hilton? Hilary Duff? Britney! My mouth smells and tastes like rancid Barbie doll hair. Won’t somebody KISS ME! —EB
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Video of the Day: This Country Singer Supports Her Troops
4/19/2007 12:30:00 PM
Wondering what to do for our troops? Somebody's got an answer. Sample lyric: “I’m sending this letter out to my soliders overseas / Y’all come back real soon, pull my panties to my knees.” We were enjoying the ironic silliness of this video up until the end, and then we were all: Wait a minute—is it too soon for an Abu Ghraib joke? (Thanks to Nancy.) —SH
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Everyone Enjoys the Rides at the Sex Theme Park
4/19/2007 11:36:06 AM
How do you feel about theme parks? This half of Scanner is very pro. We will sit our asses in a lazy river for days and ride the shit out of some tilt-a-whirls. And don’t even get us started on the sublime joys of the Lemon Chill. Well, whatever you think of theme parks, American-style, we’re pretty sure we found a theme park in London that everyone can enjoy.
Behold the Amora Sex Academy, a new £7m sex theme park. As the tour site explains:
“There are many on hands [SIC] exhibits that will helps you practise your flirting skills, your kissing and even your foreplay technique. With interactive male and female acrylic models that have built in digital sensors, you will be able to tell pretty quickly if you’re hot or not!”
Also, there are spanking classes. WOW. Kind of blows the Hall of Presidents out of the water, doesn't it? (Thanks to Helena.) —SH
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Horses at Rolling Stones Concert To Be Just As High As Performers
4/19/2007 11:12:32 AM
It seems that horses are just as disturbed by Keith Richards as we are. And this, despite being the subject of one of the band’s most famous songs. According to this report: “Preparations to sedate as many as 300 horses stabled at Belgrade's racecourse to keep them calm during a Rolling Stones concert have enraged Serb animal lovers who are lobbying to have the gig moved to another venue.” Hey, if you think that sound bad, you should have heard the Stones’ original plan, which was to have Keith Richards snort them all. —SH
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Thursday Morning Slow? Meet Sachiko Hanai.
4/19/2007 10:00:00 AM
Spring is a notoriously slow time for movies. Oscar rush is over, summer movie season hasn’t started yet. Don’t know about you, but we’re just not really feeling Disturbia, even if it is the number one movie in America. Fret not:
The Glamorous Life of Sachiko Hanai is here to wipe away your April showers. How can we possibly summarize this Japanese film? It would be like trying to pin a (really smutty) moonbeam in your hand. Well, there’s this call girl, and she gets hit by a stray bullet, and then imbued with a secret power that allows her to solve mathematic riddles. And there’s something about the apocalypse and the Bush administration. Look, don’t listen to us: WATCH THE TRAILER. It’s a 2003 film, but New York audiences can catch this one at
Cinema Village this weekend. Thanks to Cara for the link. —SH
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In the News: Underwear That's Fun to Wear
4/19/2007 9:11:40 AM
The booming business of men’s novelty underwear.
Understanding the Supreme Court’s ruling to ban partial birth abortions.
It's the end of the road for Sanjaya. Who will be the American Idol go-to joke now?
Principal enters no-contest plea after kissing feet of male students.
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Fido Upgrades & Gets His Freak On with Hotdoll
4/18/2007 5:41:05 PM
Max is no longer seeing your slipper. Barkley has kicked your cowboy boot to the curb. Your leg? Your long, lovely, blue-jean clad leg? Doesn't do it for him anymore. He's got himself a Hotdoll, the world's only sex toy for dogs and he's really liking this new balance of power. Expect to see him in a velvet smoking jacket by the kibble bowl. —EB
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Bert Christensen's Internet Curiousity Shoppe
4/18/2007 4:43:01 PM
Bert Christensen and his web site remind us of that cool old guy sitting behind the counter at a junk shop that's been in business since May 5th of Forever.
Us: Hey Uncle Bert, do you have a recipe for slug fritters?
Bert: Why, yes. I have one right here. Want an extra?
Us: Hey Uncle Bert, do you know where we could find a picture of a woman with a dog with one of her boobies hanging out?
Bert: Hmmm, lemme see here. Yes. Here we are. That one's got an autograph of Louie Armstrong on the back, so be careful.
Us: Uncle Bert...
Bert: You kids get outta here and leave me alone! Take some gum drops. Be good.
You go, Bert. Thanks to Heart on a Stick for the link. —EB
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Wednesday Video Bonus Time. Wheeeeeeeeee!
4/18/2007 3:46:53 PM
We'll stop showing you Operation Kitten Calendar just as soon as Operation Kitten Calendar stops being funny. We imagine it'll be right around the time Donald Trump stops taking himself so seriously. You've got a lifetime of fluffy tails ahead of you folks. Unless, of course, they cancel the series. —EB
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News You Can Use: Supreme Court Upholds Ban on Partial Birth Abortions
4/18/2007 3:43:43 PM
Big news in reproductive rights today. Or should we say big defeat? In a 5-4 ruling (summarized here), Supreme Court judges upheld a federal ban on partial birth abortion which makes no exceptions for the health of the mother. It’s a major victory for anti-abortion forces. For reactions from both sides of the debate, you can read this article.—SH
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Naughty Sheilas Make for Happy Aussie Men
4/18/2007 3:04:03 PM
photo courtesy Spanking Blog
A little bit of the ol' spankeroo may be what makes some Australian dudes more cheerful than others. Researchers surveyed 20,000 Australians on their sexual practices, which must have been a real joy since all the travel guides we read say y'all aren't that into personal questions. Even though a big majority of people said they weren't into BDSM, surveyors believe there's a decent percentage who are into the kinky stuff, they just don't want to call it that. Dr. Juliet Richters:
"They might not like sex magazines but they just happen to like being tied up and spanked as part of foreplay."
SEX MAGAZINES?? What's up, Dr. Racy! The survey goes on to say that men who are into the whips and chains scored "significantly better" on tests of psychological well-being (aka, waiting for the cable guy to come, do-it-yourself checkout lanes, and anything related to bridal showers). Thanks to Jess for the link. —EB
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Video of the Day: Unicorn Planet!
4/18/2007 2:00:00 PM
How did we live these three decades without knowing the soft, swirly joys of the Unicorn Planet? Life seems like nothing but a cold and shivering abyss of pain without the rainbows, the cunning, and the fabulous hairstyles of the unicorn posse. But the truth is, we always had Unicorn Planet inside us all along. (Big ups to Kate at the Gay Place blog for this link.) —SH
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Neil Gaiman Short Story, "How To Talk to Girls at Parties"
4/18/2007 12:42:15 PM
The first time we ever made out with a guy, it felt like he had five hands, two heads, and at least a dozen tongues. Who doesn’t think the opposite sex is from another planet? Hey, some crafty guru should write a book about that. Boys Are From Uranus, perhaps? Or, Bloggers Are From the Land of Cheap-Ass Jokes?
Anyway, we recently came across this Hugo-nominated short story by sci-fi great Neil Gaiman, called “How to Talk to Girls at Parties.” It’s about a teen boy’s first encounter with girls and their strangeness. It’s like a John Hughes movie crossed with a Philip K. Dick novel. Also available in audio files. —SH
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It's Getting Hot in Herrrre, So Take Off All Your Clothes
4/18/2007 11:30:15 AM
A philosophical question: If the universe is infinite, then how many fucking websites are out there? Such are the things that spring to our minds upon discovering Celebrity Sweating, a website devoted entirely to, well, take a random guess. Spoiler alert: It has nothing to do Iraq.
Celebrity Sweating is the kind of site we can get behind, however, for a few reasons: 1) Truth in naming. 2) The strength of the niche. 3) We sweat like a Kennedy uncle on a Fourth of July bender. Seriously. We sweat so badly it makes people worry about us. They’re not worried we’re uncomfortable; they’re worried we’re dying. So another question: If the universe is infinite, then how long will it take us to sweat our way through it? Answer: Three bikram yoga classes, and a ride on the subway in August. (Thanks to Vinh for the link!) —SH
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Tee-Hee. Seaman and Cumming.
4/18/2007 11:01:36 AM
We grew up on Lovers Lane. This caused many titters, especially among five-year-olds with learning disabilities. But we can't imagine the kind of guffaws that would have resulted if we grew up on the corner of Seaman and Cumming. Bonus? It's down the street from Fort Cockhill Park. —SH
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Who Got the Deal?: Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal
4/18/2007 10:00:35 AM
Since it took a while for news of Prince William’s split to hit critical mass, the tabloids have been having fun with the news that Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are a couple. Aww, they’re total class favorites—LOL, LYLAS, BFF, BYOB, ASCAP. That means it’s time for Scanner to put the screws to the Hollywood darlings, asking all the tough questions. Mainly: Who got the deal?
Scanner readers will recall this is the game in which we decide which member of the couple got the bigger score. Now, a few things to consider. One of these people is an Oscar winner with the world’s most determined chin. One of these people is friends with Matthew McConaughey. Is that a plus? A minus? You tell us, readers. Who got the deal? —SH
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Please Watch This Now. Please Learn About Vagina Power.
4/18/2007 9:33:58 AM
Alexyss Tylor and her mother host an Atlanta public access TV show called "Vagina Power." What can we tell you? This is top-grade stuff. A sidenote: Many people don't know this, but "Vagina Power" was the original name of Tolstoy's War & Peace. —SH
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In the News: Second Life to Live
4/18/2007 9:12:47 AM
The ethics of extramarital sex and emotional affairs in Second Life.
How students tracked the Virginia Tech tragedy online. Meanwhile, campus threats forced lockdowns in at least 10 states yesterday.
Give your liver the break it deserves. Take a liver holiday.
And thou shalt also read erotica! Song of Solomon, the sexiest book in the Bible.
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BigHappyFunHouse Doesn't Try to Impress You. It Just Does.
4/17/2007 7:00:29 PM
The news is pretty heavy right about now. If you need a break or want to get away from all the garbage the news stations are pushing, head over to BigHappyFunHouse.com. It's a found photo blog that's beautiful and funny and gorgeously minimalist. The photos are presented as they are, no huge ad blocks, snarky captions, PhotoShop trickery, or frills and furbelows. Lovely. —EB
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Jane Magazine Goes Jug Happy
4/17/2007 6:14:50 PM
Something's up with the tech department at Jane Magazine. When we tried to access the Jane Guide to Breast Health, a slideshow featuring an abundance of knockers, we kept getting this message that said:
Stack overflow!
Ha! Stacked. Racks. Stacked racks. You nerds are funny. We should hang out more often. The slideshow/nudieshow features headless shots of women's breasts, along with their personal quotations. We like Skim, who is 28 and calls her boobs (NSFW) multi-purpose. This is like a grown-up version of what's going on over at gURL.com. They have a feature called "The Boob Files" where teenage chicks sound off about body image as it relates to their racks. The illustrations are SFW and they're totally adorable. Don't sit there and be a boob, check it out. —EB
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WWYR?, British Edition: And the Winner Is...
4/17/2007 5:34:41 PM
Ouch! Daniel Craig, we hope you didn’t bruise that handsome mug on the way down. Mister Bond may be more ripped than the ocean at high tide, but he has been trounced by the competition. So what is it about Clive Owen? Maybe it’s the smoldering eyes. Maybe it’s the way he always looks like someone pissed in his Cheerios. Maybe it’s that scowl so permanent it could have been carved into his forehead. Regardless, he is the runaway winner of today’s contest. And now, Clive Owen would like to flash his victory smile:
—SH
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Reminder: Vote for Hooksexup in the Webbys!
4/17/2007 4:50:21 PM
Hooksexup is nominated for a Webby Award for Best Online Magazine, and we need your help! Instructions: 1. Go to the Webby Awards site. 2. Register to vote in the “People’s Voice” awards (then click “Website” and scroll down to "Media" - we're in the "Magazine" category). 3. Tell your mother, your brother, your sister, and your friends. Act now, voting ends soon!
People, we are currently in second place, but together, we can make a difference! —SH
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Score 1 for Ladies in Battle of the Sexes: More Women Than Men Online
4/17/2007 4:12:45 PM
A recent survey finds more women are online than men. And gentlemen, you better get used to it, because the number of women online is climbing like the third-world birth rate! Well, it’s climbing, anyway. So what accounts for this disparity? Any theories? We have a few, and careful Scanner readers will remember we have a degree in English and Liberal Arts, so this shit is serious:
Theory #1: Internet too hard for men. Hurts brain.
Theory #2: All those free tampon giveaways and uterus chat rooms.
Theory #3: Photos of hot, naked women trumped by sweet new Wii.
Theory #4: Let’s face it, Slate is wrong. Women are just more efficient than men. —SH
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Top 10 Sexiest Luxury Cars You Will Probably Never Own
4/17/2007 2:15:00 PM
One half of Scanner loves stories about pretty shiny cars. She can't help it, she comes from Detroit. She fully backs public transportation but that didn't stop her from seeing The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift on opening weekend. ALONE.
Anyway, we're thinking about this because Forbes just released their annual list of the Top 10 Sexiest Luxury Cars. They tricked it out a little this year, adding titles and categories, like so:
Sexiest Car for Mobsters: Cadillac Escalade & EXT
Sexiest Car for Newly Divorced Moms: Mercedes-Benz SL65 AMG
Sexiest Car for Lobbyists: Cadillac CTS
Our sexiest car? It's a tie between "no car at all" and the "car that you're not always trying to borrow." But pull up in a 1973 Dodge Dart *Swinger* and you may convince us to skip the bus. Just this once. —EB
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"Combover: the Movie" Can't Hide from Cable
4/17/2007 1:15:00 PM
We caught the premiere of Combover: the Movie on the Sundance Channel last night.
Then we referred to the laptop we always have operating simultaneously cause we're nerd like that and checked out the film's press release:
”‘Combover: the Movie’ chronicles Marino’s humorous cross-country search for the ultimate combover. Along the journey he interviews various experts including physicians, hair practitioners, and even someone who obtained a U.S. patent for the combover.”
One of the guys profiled is Dr. Jason Blanko, a 20-something hipster who isn’t losing his hair but shaves a bald spot into his scalp and uses all sorts of styling goo to create the very charming facsimile you see here:
Yes, that's for real. It's not the head of some 80 year old bricklayer.It's really that ugly and it's entirely intentional. Ladies, better stock up on support hose and get ready to draw on crow's feet with eye pencil. —EB
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Video of the Day: The Zimmers, "My Generation"
4/17/2007 12:00:00 PM
We love old people. Seriously. (How much? Tell you what. If you are an old person, call us! We'll hang! We'll drink some rusty nails and do the foxtrot or something.) And so we were especially charmed with this senior-age rock band performing "My Generation" from a BBC documentary airing in May. A description of the film: "Documentary-maker Tim Samuels has been all over Britain recruiting isolated and lonely old people—those who can't leave their flats or who are stuck in rubbish care homes.
The finale of the show is this group of lonely old people coming together to stick it back to the society that's cast them aside—by forming a rock troupe and trying to storm into the pop charts." Happy will be the day when old people trounce Fergie. And we're not necessarily talking about "on the charts." (Thanks to Monique for sending us this link!) —SH
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Docs to Women: Don't Fear the Squirter!
4/17/2007 11:29:42 AM
Here at Scanner, we try to be sensitive to everyone’s sexual phobias. Some of you are afraid of sex toys in the bedroom. Some of you are afraid of Sanjaya in the bedroom. Look, we all have our hangups. Fortunately, doctors are working ‘round the clock to cure these ills. For instance, a Melbourne psychologist has found a way to cure women of their fear of sperm. The secret? Hypnosis! Followed by a steady diet of pickles and Hellman's mayonnaise. —SH
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Top Ironic Hip-Hop Covers, Continued: His Anaconda Don't Want Some Unless You Got Buns, Hon
4/17/2007 11:17:48 AM
Maybe you already know about Jonathan Coulton’s cover of “Baby Got Back.” Maybe you are just cooler than us. Maybe you can beat us up. Maybe you’d like to finish doing these tax forms we have lying around. (No takers? Damn.) We are new converts to the Jonathan Coulton song however, having learned about it recently from a Scanner reader a few weeks ago. The great thing about the Coulton song is how it allows you to really savor the lyrics of the Sir Mixalot classic. Are we just lost in tax hell? Because somehow, this is strangely moving. WATCH. (Thanks to Scanner tipster Jeff for the link!) —SH
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Who Would You Rather?: Owen v. Craig
4/17/2007 10:08:52 AM
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Americans have long been suckers for the English accent. It is as potent and failsafe a weapon of seduction as alcohol and rufies. Sometimes, our love of the English accent proves foolish. (Example: Mr. Bean.) And then sometimes, it seems right on the money. Two of our favorite actors these days are Brits, both craggy-faced blonds with interesting resumes. Since the 1990s, Clive Owen has been quietly holding down leads in compelling films like Croupier, but it wasn’t until his 2004 role in Closer that he broke into the bigs. Since then, the chap has done well for himself: Sin City, Inside Man, Children of Men. There is one conspicuous role missing, of course: James Bond. Though Owen was rumored to take the role, it went to Daniel Craig. And lest you think Craig is nothing but a slab of chiseled manmeat emerging from the ocean, we direct you to Infamous, that OTHER Truman Capote film, in which he played a doomed homosexual killer. So we’ve laid our cards on the table. Now you know what to do.
Clive Owen and Daniel Craig: Who would you rather?
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In the News: Dark Days as Book About Future Dark Days Wins Pulitzer
4/17/2007 8:58:17 AM
2007 Pulitzer Prizes announced. Cormac McCarthy, you are going to Disneyworld!
Indian protesters burning Richard Gere in effigy after he kissed a Bollywood starlet at an HIV/AIDS awareness event.
Virginia Tech shooter was a male student living in one of the dorms.
The amount of child pornography on the web has increased fourfold in the past three years.
A new study claims men do just as much work as women. But do they do that work in stilettos?
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Hardcore Journalism and Khaki-Pantsed Privates
4/16/2007 4:34:37 PM
Fox News only has a few types of funny, and "funny sad" and "funny ironic" tend to dominate. Rarer than a bald eagle cavorting with Jimmy Hoffa in a nestful of Hope Diamonds in the Lost City of Atlantis is "funny funny." But that's what we've got. It starts as a boring story on vasectomies and then all the carefully upbeat and presentable news anchors turn into a group of fourth-graders. WATCH.
Continuing on the snip tip, Indiana University of Pennyslvania college student Cole Hood just gave a lecture talking up the joys of his recent vasectomy. Said vasectomy was performed without general anesthesia because Hood doesn't have insurance. All he got was a valium. The boy may be shooting blanks, but don't think he's not tough. We don't have penises but still that's ouch. —EB
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Masculine Monday: Joe Pepitone & Foxylady Magazine
4/16/2007 4:24:41 PM
Really getting into Seventies porn lately and our latest eBay impulse buy is a January 1975 copy of Foxylady magazine.
The big deal pictorial is this guy Joe Pepitone. We thought he might be related to Joe Piscopo but Wikipedia says he used to play for the Yankees. In 1985 Joe was pulled over by the police with "nine ounces of cocaine, 344 quaaludes, a free-basing kit, a pistol and about $6,300 in cash" riding shotgun.
In his photos, Pepitone nude is hairy, mustachey, and lying on light purple silk tie-dyed sheets wearing nothing but a gold medallion. Photo set-up two has Joey straddling a red wicker chair backwards and throwing his hands up girlishly in a "Ride 'em, Cowboy!" pose. Pep's swinging a fairly decent bat and he's got a cute butt. But the hair. The hair just ruins it. It's Larry on Three's Company plus cheap Elvis wig plus that really bad toupee on your substitute teacher. Sports fan trivia sites say he's the first major athelete to bring a blow dryer into the locker room. How 'bout that? Huh.
We were inspired to check out this lovely publication when we saw it in another blog (but darn if we can't remember which one - if you're that blog, let us know). Anyway, wanted to spread the word and tell you to keep an eye out while you're trolling online auctions and browsing vintage bookstores. —EB
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Mama Lou: Professional Strong Woman
4/16/2007 2:03:10 PM
Mama Lou is hot in her leopard print bikini and when she rips phone books in half she's even hotter. She calls herself "North America's Only Professional Strong Woman" and, according to her MySpace dealy has a degree in Religious Studies. Here's a video of Mama Lou highlights set to the tune of "Gonna Fly Now," aka the Rocky theme song. TIDBIT TIME! Did you know that the original Rocky theme was a song by Frank Stallone called "He Had a Sunday Punch That Will Put Him Into Monday"? It was replaced with "Gonna Fly Now" after a critic at the initial screening said, "You will not only have a wonderful film, you will have an Academy Award film if you just get rid of the song." All you ever wanted to know about the holy music of montages is here in this article on SuperSeventies.com. —EB
photo credit ChrisB in SEA on Flickr
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Your Profile Smells Like Strawberry Incense & Ferret Sweat
4/16/2007 1:57:22 PM
Zaadz is a site that wants to bring a little bit o' social activism to your social networking profile. Sad fact is, links to funny YouTube videos and pictures of your friends getting 'faced last weekend aren’t going to create a new world order. We're looking at the homepage and there are group discussions on human cloning and 'Faces of the Feminine & Masculine.' The Social Networking blog asks: "Everyone has something they have a passion for in life. If your passion can help change the world for the better then you might want to create a community here. What is your passion for?" Is it mean if we say, "Not having another another social networking profile?" It will be cool to see how pervs try to work this though. Will they do the usual, “Hey. U look nice. Can I see some pics?” or will they say something like, “U R so sexy. I am also freegan. Letz chat!” —EB
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And Now, Feist in a Blue-Sequined Jumpsuit
4/16/2007 1:02:17 PM
Did you catch that giant NYT Arts & Leisure story about Feist yesterday? You’ll be forgiven for not knowing who she is. But if Jon Pareles is right (and we’ll stake that chance at about 30%), then we’ll all be chanting her name come early May. That wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Hooksexup is very pro-Feist. If you’re still undecided, check out the new video for her song “1 2 3 4.” Blue-sequined jumpsuit, sprawling dance number, one continuous shot. If you are a child of the 80s, who enjoyed jumpsuits and jazz hands, this video might look familiar. It's like Xanadu, minus the trapeze artists and mimes. Swoon. —SH
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The Principal Is Their Pal. Oh Yes, He Is.
4/16/2007 12:42:40 PM
As long as there have been high schools, there have been rumblings about principal-teacher sex. But back in our day, we didn’t have sex tapes to prove the gossip. If you wanted evidence, you had to send in the nutter in the AV department with a hand-crank camera and a flashlight. It was intrepid stuff, kind of like searching for Bigfoot.
Not so these days. In a Chicago area school, a sex tape that featured the principal having sex with two female employees was actually mailed to parents. That’s sure more exciting than the flyer for the spaghetti dinner. —SH
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Separated at Birth: Todd Oldham, Ellen Degeneres
4/16/2007 11:30:00 AM
It was a rainy, blustery Sunday in New York. And in our brain. And so we spent the morning crashed on the couch watching a marathon of Top Design. Have you seen that show? It’s like the pages of Ready Made magazine come to life. Having actually renovated a home, or tried to and failed, watching rooms transformed in three days with a $75,000 budget is a kind of cruelty. Ugh, what a dumb show. We are so addicted.
Anyway, as we watched, we were preoccupied by one minor detail. Host Todd Oldham reminds us so much of Ellen Degeneres. They dress alike, they act alike, sometimes they even talk alike. Look at their haircuts. They both have this specified chunk in front. They could be brothers. (Or sisters?) Jonathan Adler, on the other hand. He reminds us of Pee-Wee. —SH
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Photo of the Day: The Importance of Getting Head
4/16/2007 10:45:56 AM
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Bathhouses for (Straight) Dummies
4/16/2007 10:44:10 AM
So you’re a straight man, but you’re curious about men’s bathhouses. Hmm, are you sure you’re a straight man? Kidding, of course you are. We agree that men’s bathhouses are fascinating, in the way that all things we can’t experience are fascinating, especially ones involving anonymous sex in steam rooms. Fortunately, someone has published a straight man’s guide to bathhouses. —SH
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Crush of the Week: Rutgers Women's Basketball Team
4/16/2007 9:46:15 AM
We assume you have strong opinions about the Don Imus brouhaha. Maybe you think he should have been fired. Maybe you think he’s been unfairly scapegoated. Maybe you’re just confused as to why some slurs are funny while others end careers. But regardless what you think of the I-man, it would be hard to disagree about this: The Rutgers women’s basketball team has handled themselves with grace and dignity. They didn’t ask for the white hot glare of the media spotlight, didn’t want it, and yet, they’re shouldering through it like real pros. Not to mention, they’re kick-ass athletes.
And for that, they are our Crush of the Week. —SH
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In the News: True Love Doesn't Always Wait
4/16/2007 9:00:00 AM
Findings indicate the $1 billion “Don’t Have Sex” campaign has no influence on teens. How about a “Don’t Spend $1 Billion on Bad Ideas” campaign?
As the rumor mill churns: UK magazine reports that Prince William called off his engagement to Kate Middleton
First baby from frozen sperm and egg is born.
The fashion designer who craved attention but got a different kind than he expected, charged with 32 counts of rape, sexual battery, and other crimes all against models.
If you live on the East Coast, we hope you brought your umbrella to work.
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