The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Dating Advice From . . . Engineers by Steph Auteri Q. For optimal functionality, what should go into a first-date emergency kit? A. Fine wine, road flares, a snake-bite kit and Ghirardelli chocolates.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Consider this a bitchy intervention from the stars, Cancer: have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? More importantly, have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately when you had clothes on? Blaming your lack of style on Queer Eye's cancellation was kind of witty last November, but now it just comes off as lazy. Forcing yourself to uptick your wardrobe may be painful at first, but you'll make it through. If you find yourself drifting into temptation, just think of what the Fab Five would say if they saw you reaching for those thrift shop jorts with the cheese-colored stain.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Much like Frankie, Mars and Saturn say relax! Slip away from the nonprofit for a while, don't wig out if that unfinished screenplay remains unfinished for a while — and definitely stick with sex positions that you don't have to read a Wikipedia subdirectory to pull off. As Frankie knew so well, you'll still be able to live those dreams, scheme those schemes and do some hitting with some laser beams.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Oy gevalt! When Venus is in Cancer, it can be quite a yenta, and it's wondering if you're seeing anybody. After all Venus has done for you, the least you could do is make it happy once in a while: besides, playing Portnoy in adolescence isn't as fun as it might sound. So go out, meet people, schmooze, have fun, live a little. If it happens, it happens, but just remember to practice safe shtupping.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
We hope you've been working on that portfolio, because you're about to become the next Jaslene, the next Christian Siriano, the next New York. The new moon is shining in your tenth house of honors and fame, and you've got a chance to jump-start your career like never before. You'll be at the right place at the right time, and you're going to hit the jackpot. Not just a contract with Elite Model Management, a cover and six-page spread in Seventeen magazine, and a US $100,000 contract with CoverGirl cosmetics. Not just a fashion spread in Elle magazine, a 2008 Saturn Astra, $100,000 US to start your own label and a cameo on Ugly Betty. No sir, we're talking fame and fortune at a New-York-Goes-to-Hollywood level. You've just got to be your crazy bitch self and the cards will fall into place all on their own.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Pack your bags, Scorpio, because you're going to orgasm-land! Or perhaps Cancun. Or maybe on road trip across the states ala old Britney in Crossroads. The stars are unclear on the destination, but one thing's for sure: the new moon is about to conjoin with Venus, and when it does, you are guaranteed a happy, luxurious travel experience. The Sun is in your ninth house of foreign travel, so even a spur of the moment trip abroad can't go wrong. No matter where you end up, you'll be treated better than Flavor Flav in the Flavor of Love mansion-although you won't have sex with nearly as many crazy skanks who are willing to take a crap on your floor.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Feeling a little "frustrated" this week? Poor Sagittarius. Mars and Saturn are orbiting towards a conjunction, and both planets are pushing you in opposite directions. Mars is saying you should go all the way, and Saturn is telling you to keep your pants on at all costs. Listen to Saturn this time, kid. That pretty young thing you've got your eye on? Bad news. We're talking syphilis, a secret Cher shrine and generally bad manners to boot. It's gonna be best to relieve that tension all on your lonesome for now. In the meantime, throw yourself into work as a distraction. High-energy Mars is cruising through your tenth house of fame, honors and professional status, meaning the work you do now could easily score you a promotion. And hey, who doesn't want to screw the boss?
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
We were reading an article the other day about the possibility of a black hole being created on earth in a few months, Capricorn, and we think that's a perfect way to picture yourself this week. We know that sounds bad, but hear us out — once Venus enters Leo, people will struggle to keep their hands, eyes and other body parts off of you. Your personal gravity won't destroy the earth, but it should certainly take out the competition. So stick to places with big crowds and enjoy it while you can — that way, even if we run into some trouble down the line, you can say you really lived it up beforehand.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Pay close attention this week, Aquarius, because the new moon indicates that you'll be finding (if we may quote Aladdin) a diamond in the rough. Yes, maybe that guy's beard is kind of weird and patchy. Or maybe that girl does insist on wearing Crocs whenever she leaves the house (shudder). No matter what this nagging flaw is, though, it will be worth it to do a little bit of digging before you cast this person away — we've all had our bad moments and come out the other side, after all. You won't have to go as far as pulling a move from She's All That, but if you stick around you will definitely see some things you would never imagine hiding behind those awful shoes.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Bad news, Pisces — it looks like this week won't be so easy for you. Saturn and Mars are pulling you in two different directions, and thanks to all that tension you may take out your aggression on someone close to you. We wish we could say it'll be just a little spat, but, like Amy Winehouse elbowing that guy in the face at her recent concert, it's going to be ugly and quite possibly caught on film. If you want it all to be over, you're going to have to compromise — you move an inch his way, he moves an inch yours, and soon you'll be finished with the argument. Maybe once you move a few inches more, you can start the makeup sex.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
There's no doubt you've been having way too much fun in the last couple of weeks. With your fiery libido at its peak, you've fulfilled several of your wildest fantasies (orgies on a yacht, screwing your boss, S/M with a David Beckham look-alike, etc.) Now that you've proved Arieses are the wildest ride on the planet, you feel ready to focus more on your career than the insatiable throbbing down under. You are now in a highly productive mode, so use that energy towards completing that "To Do" list you put off while you were busy role-playing with your neighbor last week.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Brace yourself, ye fellow Taurus, but there is no time for acting loyal and sensitive this week. It's time to let down your angelic tendencies and let your rebellious instincts take over. You can release all that nervous tension you've been feeling lately by letting yourself act out of character. If you're in a relationship, cheat. If you're single, confront an old ex and confess why you really broke up. (His penis made you gag.) It's okay to be an asshole once and a while, and with Mars taking over your sign this week you have nothing to lose but your dignity.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Times have been tough for you lately. It's been an especially dry week, and you feel like a virgin again but no one wants to pop your cherry. But this week's planetary change guarantees positive surprises in the romantic and financial spheres in your life. Who knows — that bartender you've been jacking off to might confess that she's been fantasizing about groping you in the stock room from the moment you ordered that first Screwdriver. Venus entering Leo on July 7th is an especially powerful sign that your bank account will triple. But don't just sit back — buy a lottery ticket or ask for a raise if you're employed. Chances are you'll get lucky.
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
