Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Look, we know you'd love to stay home this Tuesday, drink cheap booze and watch crappy television, but wouldn't you rather get laid? Mercury and Uranus are aligned to give you an amazing night, and Mercury is also telling you to travel with a goal. Basically, Tuesday night could offer the ultimate booty call. All you've got to do is man up and put yourself out there. So forget watching Jo and Slade: Date My Ex. Blow off Randy Jackson Presents America's Best Dance Crew. Put down that Popov, get rid of that PBR, and pick up your cell — it's time to send the most important text of your life.
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
Guess what? You can pay your rent this month! When Mars contacts Jupiter on your behalf later this week, high-paying job offers may very well come your way. Should you snatch up the opportunity, you'll be getting paid enough to pay your bills and build that sex dungeon you've been dreaming of — bondage chair, deluxe puppy cage and all. And if you miss your chance at the sweet gig, the Sun moving into Leo right now also points to surprising money gains. You know how at the end of Office Space, Milton gets a buttload of cash and goes to Mexico? Yeah, that's not gonna happen, but you might be surprised with enough cash to take your date somewhere other than Subway to split a five-dollar foot-long.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Ooh baby, is it hot in here, or did you just take off your shirt? If you're feeling sexier than usual, it's not an illusion. Mars in Virgo means you're even more physically attractive than normal right now, making you go from Justin in *NSync to Justin singing "SexyBack." Now's the time to audition for the next Real World and/or approach that long-time crush and say "Hey, what's up?" If they say no now, they were never going to say yes. And if they say yes, remember that even if you get the lobster, you don't owe him anything. Well, maybe a blowjob. . .
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
Venus is moving into Leo on Friday. It's going to be Friday on Friday. What does that mean? That's right: it's the perfect time for you to host a decadent party! The stars advise you to pursue clarity in your communication this week, so you might want to go for a specific theme: saying it's 'decadence-themed' is a nice start, although it sounds liable to get messy. Broaden your horizons: "Fast Times in Dubai"? "Fellini-esque bacchanal"? Truly, the world is your oyster.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Like roving, unscrupulous talent agents, Mercury and Venus are coming together to give you a shot at the big leagues in your creative field of choice, so now's not the time for an ill-advised cover of "Turn the Beat Around." Put your talents on display, flaunt what you've got, be outgoing and even a little bit aggressive, and the prize will be yours. That last bit of advice was about how to go about picking up a new sex partner on Friday night, but it could also apply to the creativity thing, we guess.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Like Rodney Dangerfield, you get no respect from the opposite sex. However theoretically great you are in bed, however creepily detailed is your knowledge of the erogenous anatomy, it just seems like you never get a chance to step to the plate. Well, the full moon's come and gone, and your luck's about to change in a big way. Just remember not to get stuck in your head too much — nothing is a bigger turnoff. Now go and treat some Vater-Pacini corpuscles right, pardner.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Feeling a little cocky lately? Your confidence is bulging like Beyonce's badonkadonk with Mercury, Saturn and Uranus orbiting your sign — lucky you! Since you're feeling so damn good, put that fat-ass ego to use by taking some chances. Now is a good time to enter the Nude-a-Poppin Pageant you've always wanted to join, or buy a couple tickets towards the Fuck Raffle Contest. With so much planetary energy crossing your path only success and sweaty, dirty sex is in store for you this month.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
With Mars and Saturn dominating your chart, you've been feeling particularly sexually frustrated this week and less free loving and passionate than usual. You are coming way too quickly, or not at all, and nothing seems to satisfy you. Fortunately, you can bring back your boner with some genital rejuvenation. Ditch those yoga classes and concentrate on Kegelcisers, or practice some ball-thrusting instead of barbell sets. By giving your naughty bits some TLC this week, your libido will be fit for multiple-orgasm marathons in no time.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Have you been desperate to spark the flame in a romance that should not be? Let's hope your romance involves whips and chains, because like Madonna bringing back the cone bra to nab a certain pinstriped pariah, you'll need to use seduction as a weapon when the shit hits the fan. Mercury and Uranus's clash bodes bad tidings. Beware.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
As our crazy aunt warns us every time we see her, Aries, there are thieves everywhere, waiting to take your most precious possessions the moment you turn your back. In your case, though, it won't be your jewelry they're after — because of Neptune's interaction with Mars, watch out for someone else swooping in and snatching that cute guy you've been flirting with at your local bar the past couple of weeks. We know that you've been taking it slow, establishing a strong connection, making sure he's not a psychopath, but now is no longer the time for patience. Now is the time for action — grab him by the collar, lean in close, and ask if he wants to get out of there. (And maybe watch your wallet as you leave.)
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
This is going to be a great week for communication, Taurus. Because Mars has moved away from Saturn, you'll be speaking your mind as easily as you did that time you finished a whole bottle of wine by yourself. This is good timing (and here comes the bad news), because it seems like you may be looking at the start of a long-distance relationship, so you'll be getting to know the phone more intimately than any significant other in the next few weeks. Yeah, the separation may be a drag, but think of all the fun new role-play scenarios you could try! Brad at home while Angelina's on location, or the well-known public figure and the mistress he can't be seen with — the possibilities are endless.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
As our dear friend Amil once said in a duet with Jay-Z, "You ain't gotta be rich but fuck that/ How we gonna get around on your bus pass?" Sadly, Gemini, sometimes, in order to get what we want, we have to drop some cash — and for you, that time is now. This week, looking your best will come in handy. We know those ripped jeans are comfortable, but you're going to have to upgrade to something a bit nicer. Even if it will cost you, we firmly believe that everyone should have at least one fancy outfit hiding in their closet. And remember, whether it's a new fling or a new employer, someone will be watching your ass in those pants.
