Dating Confessions by You "I'm wearing sexy underwear while talking to you online so that I feel confident enough to tell you that I'm into you."
Scanner by Emily Farris Today on Hooksexup's culture blog: We bring you more Dita Von Teese from the German Playboy.
Screengrab by Various Today in Hooksexup's film blog: Holiday special - 35 people, places and movies we're thankful for.
The Remote Island by Bryan Christian Michael Phelps indulges Anderson Cooper in some watersports and Dexter makes a 'bitch move.' Plus: the secret of Tina Fey's scar, revealed!
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 21)
Your creativity should skyrocket this week, as both Jupiter and Pluto have stopped being little bitches and are no longer in retrograde. This also means you'll see instant progress in your love life, and with that combo, you and your special someone (or you and that guy you just met at the bar) will easily twist into a scary pretzel of a sex position that hits every g-spot, p-spot and t-spot there is. So lube up, do a few stretches, and maybe invest in a sex swing. Be careful around Friday, though, as Uranus is set to be in exact opposition to the Sun. Be sure to get out of the sex swing by then; you don't want to make a naked 911 call and have the paramedics and/or fire department find you tangled up in leather and ball gags. Trust us, we've been there, and it's not fun. Plus, firefighters are hot and you don't want them to think you're slutty.
Libra (Sept. 22-Oct. 22)
We know summer left faster than you would like it to — and that along with the heat and the beaches it also took morning beers and afternoon joints — but seriously, life's changing for the better. Jupiter is now primed to help you focus your energies and get back to work this week. So roll up your sleeves, put on your spectacles and grab a pencil (or um, whatever your tool of choice is). You're about to do amazing things. Have you been working on a short film with your college buddies? WHAM, it's winning at the local film contest. Interested in modeling? BAM, you're on Top Model. Always wanted to be able to whistle? DAMN, you just whistled all of Beethoven's Fifth. It's gonna take some work on your part, but if even Britney can pull it together, you have no excuses. Go at it, Libra, and prosper.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
Look, we know last week was rough, but chin up, son: This week is gonna freakin' rock. Your ruling "planet" Pluto is the guy in charge of finances, and he's helping you out this week. He knows you've really, really wanted to go on some fabulous trip, and he's going to help you out. Maybe you'll win the lottery and go to Florence, maybe you'll get a raise and take a trip across the country for funsies, or maybe you'll find twenty bucks on the ground and go in on some 'shrooms. Whatever happens, enjoy. And when you come back (or down) just make sure you've got your wits about you. A major event will require your attention on Friday. We're guessing it's the new Coen brothers' movie, but hey, it could also be The Women.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You've been slacking in your online networking, haven't you? Look, you're due for some big news, so this is not the week to take a hiatus from Facebook. And it's probably best to stay on AIM and gmail chat at all times. Do you have a Blackberry or iPhone? Get both, just in case one doesn't get service. Twitter, MySpace, hell, even Friendster could be your friend this week. (Does Friendster still exist? If not, maybe you should rebuild it and make a profile.) The stars are freaking out about you staying in touch with the world. We bet there's good news coming...
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Okay, so a full moon is just around the corner and that means your life is going to be a bitch in a hand basket — but that's next week. This week is this week, so we suggest you concentrate on living in the now. Go clubbing all night! Drink milk from the carton! Spend a day not wearing pants! Whatever floats your boat, dude, we're not here to judge. Just don't get knocked up or kill anyone important, and you'll be able to sail through next week knowing you did what you could to make your life awesome. 'Cause, yeah, next week's waters are looking stormy. But live in the now! Go max out your credit cards and spray some aerosol at the ozone.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
This month's full moon isn't until the fifteenth, but you'll be feeling its effects early. So this week, should you notice a tightening in your loins, a curling back of your lips, some extra hair along the tops of your hands, and the extreme desire to lope naked through your neighborhood 'round midnight…go for it. The secret to surviving a transformative full moon is to go with the flow and bend with the wind. And if you feel the need, throw back your head and howl at the (almost) full moon. If you make it through next week, the stars say you'll be doing a lot more howling, of the late-night, bedroom variety.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
Next Monday's full moon could cause a rift in a close partnership or friendship — but you'll be feeling its early effects this week. So watch your mouth and guard that tongue. (Better yet, go get it pierced — that'll take your mind off talking for a day or two, no?) You don't want to be hasty in your judgments, or snap at a friend who's pissing you off. If you're not careful, you may end up in Lauren and Heidi's situation. And that just opens the door to a Spencer in your life, as well as "impromptu" photo sessions while some blond chick holds watermelons over her own surgically enhanced melons. And that does no good for anyone. So, mind your p's and q's, and don't believe a word Spencer says.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
We wish we could tell you this is the perfect week to double down, buy a lotto ticket, or finally invest in that high-interest online savings account. Alas, the stars have other plans for you. Instead of getting a monetary boost in the butt this week, those feisty planets want you to get your ass down to the gym. And then do a lot of... boosting. Lifting. Squats. Commit to ten whole minutes on the treadmill. The point? Now is the perfect time to finally start training for that marathon, or at least eat some veggies. Treat your body with some tough love, and don't be afraid to sweat. With any luck, you'll find a partner to do the same.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Summer may be coming to an end, but you're feeling hotter than ever. Hot for lots of sex, that is, and as hard as you try you just aren't getting any. This is an unfortunate phenomenon that happens every twenty-three decades when Mars and the planet Cumnomore cross paths and invade your House of Lust and Luck. Sit tight this month and hold onto your blue balls, because you're not going to be getting any action (unless you're desperate and succumb to prostitution). If you really want to satiate your lustful urges, you're going to have to go the extra mile this month to get that action you're seeking. Don't be ashamed to attend a Nerds Swinger Night. Sometimes we have to stoop a little lower to get some below-belt action. No one said getting laid was easy. . . unless you're Penelope Cruz.
Gemini (May 21-Jun. 21)
Stop playing games. We said stop! If you've been fantasizing about licking mounds of whipped cream from your boss's nipples, don't closet those feelings anymore. Show up at the office with a can (or two) of Whip-It and give those executive tits some sloppy TLC! This is the 21st century. Sex is just sex, and monogamy is practically nonexistent. So don't worry about lies, cheating, or that whole feeling "vulnerable" drama. You won't lose anything by acting on your sexual urges and primitive instincts. You'll find you'll be so much more satisfied in your romantic and (currently) sexually deprived life when you stop beating around the bush and reading between the lines. We can't promise your life will be rejection-free. You may be blackmailed or bitch-slapped for being too confrontational or blunt. But who cares? We will always think you're crazy-sexy-cool.
Cancer (June 21-July 21)
Got the post-bikini season blues? Having season-change denial? We so feel you. Once the leaves start turning crap-brown and piss-yellow, we feel like jumping in a bubble bath with our hairdryer on. But don't do that, please. Instead, try a more constructive approach to spice things up. Throw a "back-to-school/back-to-work/summer-is-over-and-fall-sucks" party to put yourself and your friends into better spirits. Dump piles of sand all over your living room, turn up some tropical tunes and serve buckets of guava-based jungle juice. This will guarantee to get your mind off the long road to depression once the thermo drops below sixty. Make your party extra-memorable by spiking everyone's drink with roofies, lock the doors and get your orgy on (don't tell anyone about your hidden cameras). What better way to welcome in the new season?
Leo (July 22-Aug. 22)
When was the last time you actually felt productive and worthy as a human being? Um... don't even bother coming up with an excuse, we know you feel as good as a crack addict waking up in a gutter filled with rat piss. This summer you've mastered the craft of procrastination and could probably write an award-winning book on how to waste time without becoming homeless. We suggest you stop looking up naked photos of Angelina and Paris on CelebrityVagTV.com and do something with your life. We're getting some pretty strong vibes from Uranus, ruler of your House of Success, urging you to pursue your endeavors. We hate using clichés, but now's the time to strike while the iron's hot, hot, hot!
, featuring curious yet marvelous infusions of cucumber and rose petal.
